wanting to settledown

[henpecker]

I have name changed here as I am a regular but I don't usually write a post myself. I like to give advice and feel i am good at objectively viewing a situation and can give constructive advice.
I'm finding though that i can't give myself advice on what to do here so hoping someone can give me help in how to sort this issue. I'd love to hear from people who have been in the situation or have advised others and what the outcome was. I know all situations are different and a post can be biased so i'll be as open as i can. The bottom line is I want to settle down with my partner and start the next stage in our relationship.

I will admit that i have had trust issues in the past that have been warranted and this makes me question things at times. That isn't a bad thing because i think in life you have to be a little wary. nothing is concrete.
At the beginning of this relationship my dp was of the same mind. over time we grew close and have helped and supported each other in the 5 years. We don't live together as I have my own home and for the last 2 years we have been long distance. we see each other at weekends. This has frustrated me but i also don't want to be rash ever again in my life and ensure i make the correct step. my life and my childs depends on me and my decision making.
A year ago i discussed with dp about our future. he has agreed that he wants to be with me and my dc but has no time limit per say on when the next step should happen. Logistics and practicality of home/work etc i have thought through and could be done. That isn't the issue.
Now, I am ready to start planning, but I get the impression from him he's still not at that place. I am 42 and really at this point know that no more children are on the cards. I'm fine with that. But I would like a family unit and want it with him. I want to support him/love him and be there where we wake up in the morning and all the other things that go with being a formal couple. I believe that with marriage it makes you decide upon a relationship and you feel that life is better with that person in it. It gives the other person the comfort and confidence and commitment. All relationships move towards a goal of somesort if they don't you end it and move on and find what you're looking for.

I feel with him his reasons to continue like we are :
1.admitting he's is dependent on someone /someone dependent on him

1. financially we will be connected (he's worked hard for his own money)
2. past relationships where he felt confident they would work and didn't
3. the idea of the actual 'wedding' makes him uncomfortable regarding money spent and unwanted attention to himself. (not a showman)
4. He likes to feel in control.

All of the above is naturally something people consider, I have but I love him and trust that our relationship is good enough and we could have a great future. But i want to move to the next stage.

I feel now I'm henpecking him in comments here and there. sarcastically but with a grain of truth. I'm beginning to question the relationship and ask myself maybe it's just me he doesn't want to marry. ie he's making excuses. It's on my mind constantly and wish i could relax but the other side of me says I can't waste more years with someone if they just aren't sure what they want. In his personal life it takes him alot of time to make a decision. I help and eventually he'll make a decision but with this one it's awkward. I can't keep asking has he made up his mind as it ruins the here and now. I am meeting him tonite, I feel this is all boiling up to this point as I just can't keep thinking this way. I know Ill probably run the risk of ending this relationship which is not what i want but i have to make a decision in my own life too. I won't give him an ultimatum as that won't work, but i just don't know what to say in a way that might make him jolt up that life is ticking by and we should either making plans for a future or find other partners who might want same.
I know in my heart he'll say he isn't ready and I'll end up being the nasty one because i have pushed it but i just can't keep waiting. It's depressing me and I am questioning our relationship.which i hate.

That all sounds very similar to my relationship

I have also tried explaining both directly and subtly that I'd like our relationship to move on a bit, but whilst he also agrees he'd like to do that 'one day', I have eventually conceded that it's probably unlikely.
We are both heading for our 50s in a few more years and I like the idea of bringing us all together as a family unit under the same roof, but I just don't see that same sort of excitement and adventure in his eyes that I experienced with previous boyfriends who wanted to live with me

It's understandable as he's only recently done all this before and his life has been blindsided by other events recently too, but I do worry that our relationship will peter out before it's time, as I am uncomfortable having a long term relationship at my age that is just based on sleeping over one night a week and the occassional date out without the kids - no closeness seems to develop because if this. I still don't feel as if I know him very well nearly 3 years later.

So, like you, what to do? Accept the bare truth I suppose. You can't force someone into this sort of thing, and he very clearly has shown me it isn't something he'd like to do now, or in 6 months, or in the next year, and probably not the year after. And by then we'd have been a couple for 5 years and I'd be in my 50s.

I'm sad about it as I never envisaged myself living alone even though I have done for the past 11 years, I think I just really miss sharing a home with someone, sharing a life.

I hope it works out for you, OP.

I think, given that you are an older couple with your own assets and no intention to have children together, you can afford to adopt a different model than younger first-time-arounders with nothing. Marriage is not necessarily beneficial for people in your situation. Why would you link finances exactly? Why would either of you be dependent on the other? Perhaps you could think about a way to achieve co-habitation that doesn't compromise your independence? A voluntary agreement rather than a binding contract.

skellington, i sympathise! v hard one to call.

cogito, i was hoping you would answer and give your two pence worth. As I so often find myself nodding in agreement with you. I'm nodding now. On paper it sounds like the clear obvious solution. why fix it if it aint broken.
because i want a more solid and meaningful relationship. while it is fantastic in every sense now as a relationship, it has all the jigsaw pieces. I want to make the jigsaw and see it complete. does that make sense?
doesn't every relationship have a decision making aspect to it. you hit milestones and make decisions. as skellington said it's hard to get that complete closeness when you're not committed to being a couple that live under same roof. That's just how I am built. A relationship works towards being together permanently or not.

Does it have to be marriage immediately though? You can all live under the same roof and be completely close without necessarily being married.