Is this ok? Pretty upset and confused *possible trigger?*

[Citymouse]

I'm struggling a bit at the moment and would appreciate an outside perspective and/or bit of advice. Sorry if it's a bit long - wanted to give the full story.

Background-Was in an EA relationship, which I thankfully got out of. In a new, great relationship now but finding the trust thing a bit VERY hard, i.e. just think he would rather be with someone else/will leave me 'cause there are better people out there. New guy is amazing, has been told everything (aside from below) about past and does nothing to suggest any of these things will happen. I'm trying to just work through the issues and give it time.

However I suddenly remembered something that has left me feeling really upset and dunno what to do. When we (me and EA ex) first got together I was applying for a really big job, I got an interview which in itself was amazing but then didn't get the job - the day I found out I was really upset. Horrible ex bf was working away and said I should come and stay in the hotel with him for the night. I went, even though I didn't feel like it cause wanted some comfort. Anyway, I was feeling pretty down and we just had a drink and went to bed. The next morning I was still half asleep and the next thing I know he is behind me having sex with me. At the time I remember clearly thinking 'What is happening? I'm not involved in this'. I've never had that before. It was very much him having sex with me-not a mutual thing, no kissing no nothing, prior to it I was asleep with my back to him. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. But I didn't stop him at any point or even say anything - I was just so surprised. Is this normal/ok behaviour? I don't really want to ask anyone as it just feels so awful to talk about and don't know if he even did anything wrong, seems like such a grey area. Don't know if I'm making a fuss about nothing.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The fact that YOU are upset by it and it has, and is, causing you stress and unhappiness and anxiety makes this very real. It is absolutely OK to feel this way and I think you could do with some counselling to talk through it and come to terms with it.

Of course it's not OK behaviour for someone to initiate sex without your knowledge or consent. It's sexual assault.

No, it is absolutely not normal or ok. A person doesn't get to use your body when they feel like it just because you happen to be next to them.

OP it's not a grey area. What he did was sexual abuse. It was non-consensual (how could you consent when you were asleep?!) So whether or not you want to call it rape, it was wrong and he was wrong to do it. You're not making a fuss about nothing and it wasn't your fault either.
It might help to talk to someone - I think Rape Crisis or Women's Aid would probably be good. They have helplines and might be able to offer counselling.
Did you ever have counselling after ending your emotionally abusive relationship? It must have taken a lot of strength to end it and you're amazing for moving on. But I imagine it must have done some serious damage to your self esteem. You deserve some support to build it up again.

I agree with PP that it's not a grey area and you are NOT making a fuss about nothing, don't let anyone tell you that. That was sexual assault. I am very, very sorry that happened to you and I hope you get the support you need. Can you talk about it with someone you trust? Second AnotherEmmas suggestion to contant Women's Aid and ask for professional counselling.

Thank you for your replies. Cue more crying but also massive relief that I'm not just being oversensitive or making too much out of it.

I didn't have any counselling, just talked it through with friends etc. To be honest think I just buried it as at the time had other more pressing things to deal with from the break up, finding somewhere to live, getting a job etc. And now I'm happy and settled it's all coming up :(

Definitely not a grey area, definitely sexual assault. So sorry to hear this happened to you. Talking to Rape Crisis or Women's Aid might well help you, if you feel up to it.

You hadn't agreed to it. You were not consulted. You were asleep, therefore he could not get your consent.. I'm so sorry, do try and get some help if you need to talk it through with somebody.

I personally believe these things come up when we're in a good place to deal with them.

(Or can't keep them tucked away any longer).

I agree with Vivacia - these things pop up when your mind feels ready to tackle them. It may be a tough process but I think you're probably in the right place to deal with this and release its hold over you.

How are you doing?

My gf calls this the "are you sitting comfortably" phenomenon, i.e. you've sorted yourself out, have made massive headway in improving your life and self esteem, you think you've come out of it and then - bam - this sort of thing rears its ugly head. I think it's basically a good thing that you're remembering this and getting upset about it (I'm sorry, I know it doesn't feel good in the least); it means you've reached a place where you are beginning to trust your own judgement again and realise that you deserve to be treated with decency and respect. You are recovering your dignity and resetting your boundaries. That is a massive achievement so please be kind and patient with yourself!

I personally believe these things come up when we're in a good place to deal with them

Lightbulb moment again, thank you Vivacia

Thank you everyone. Feeling a bit shell shocked tbh. Seems more real when other people are saying it's bad. I do have a friend I can talk to about it.. If I can manage to not wuss out-not an easy thing to just bring up. Would like to go to counselling in person but not sure I can afford to.

Vivacia and Swan that's such a good way of looking at it. It definitely seems to have popped out of the blue and think that's a really helpful perspective i.e. this is only surfacing now 'cause I'm safe and happy. Also might be reassuring to explain to my current bf in this way.