Any hope?

[WeevilKnievel]

Hi,
Do you think there's any chance you can fall back in love with someone when you really don't like them anymore?

Dh and I have been together 18 yrs, very rocky, ( no affairs that I know of) but there's always been some issue to tackle, we're very good at talking about stuff, how helpful that's been I'm not sure.
We've got a few big issues that come up a lot, and I don't know if they'll ever get better tbh.

Just to give you an example, he can't tolerate me getting stressed or annoyed, or rather my voice sounding stressed or annoyed and he'll respond with a patronising "Calm down!" Complete with hand gestures that Michael Winner would be proud of.
We've talked about this numerous times and he admits it makes him angry but says it's because I'm always annoyed/stressed. We've both got tempers and I get upset easily.
We spend a lot of time not talking. Don't share a bedroom ( initially due to snoring)

In the last few years I've got increasingly intolerant of him. And now everything he does irritates me, we spend a lot of time together, I'm a sahm and he works from home, not all the time but a lot recently. I struggle with him around the house, just petty things I guess, like leaving stuff above the dishwasher not in it, or not putting dirty laundry in the basket, but enough to make me feel a bit disrespected. I also like my own space.

We've also had a hard time financially in the last few years and DH thinks when that's resolved the stresses will be lifted.

I should say that I don't think I'm easy to live with, im an introvert, possibly slightly autistic, like my routines and things being a certain way and he's the opposite, an extrovert musician, we couldn't be more different.

We do have some good times, he's a good Dad and he'd be heartbroken to live away from his kids.

I don't really want to split up, if I could wave a magic wand I'd be back in love with him again, but does that ever happen?

Love is a verb. As primary school kids might call it 'a doing word'. Sometimes, when your relationship has got bogged down in bad habits, you have to consciously do love. By which I mean you have to agree to speak kindly to each other, not sulk, not lose your temper over trivial stuff, not spend every night in different rooms etc.

If you want to stay together and you need help bridging the gap you might benefit from relationship counselling. Or it will confirm that there's nothing left to save and you can maybe end the limbo.

I've looked into it a few times but it's so expensive £45-£50 a session round here, that it's put me off ( simply because we just can't afford it)
But I do think it might help us keep focused on the bigger picture.
Thankyou

You don't necessarily need outside intervention provided you're both equally committed to interacting with other in a loving way. I'm sure there are exercises you can scare up online.

One powerful technique is to use nostalgia. You think about how you got together in the first place - before all the cap and bad habits kicked in - and you try to recreate the same conditions. Reminisce about good times.

I wonder if the fact that you are literally living in each others pockets and spending 24/7 together isn't creating some of the friction. Is SAHM really working for your relationship or do you need more stimulation? Could you get outside help with the financial problems? Nothing puts a damper on love like scraping for the next penny.

Hopefully the financial problems will be eased soon, as he's due some money. I have thought about getting a weekend job as they're the worst times for us.
Last Sunday we had two arguments which has led to us still not talking now.
Though that's my doing, I can't bare to go back to normal, it's always the same pattern, fall out, don't talk for the rest of the day then I generally approach him to sort it out which we invariably fail to but we half make up because it's hard work not talking to each other.
This time though i just feel that I can't keep going through it, I feel emotionally battered and need some equilibrium.

I'm finding it so hard to keep upbeat with the kids when things are like this, I feel like there's a dark cloud hanging over me when he's in the house and feel so much lighter and happier when he's not here.
I should add that I don't think that's his fault it's just indicative of our relationship.

I could have written loads of your post - I too am difficult to live with, keen on routines & my way of doing things, definitely an introvert & starting to wonder whether I like my (extrovert) DH anymore...

My DH gets cross if I get stressed / emotional but will not talk through issues, blanks me or just agrees but does nothing more .

We have two small boys & I want things to work for them but I just don't know whether I feel I can carry on working at our marriage while I feel he makes no effort to change.

Does your OH want to make things better?

Hi Hazbaz,
Sorry to hear that you're going through similar.
My DH does want things to be better, but at the expense of my feelings iyswim. He doesn't think I have much to complain about and says I should paint a smile on or ' just be nice'. I'm never justified in complaining about anything.
It's almost like he wants to do what he wants, when he wants without me complaining that he's late/untidy/eaten all the treats!etc
I often feel that I'm his mother and he's a rebellious teenager.
Hard work isn't it?

Yes yes to the I have nothing to complain about - or I'm looking for arguments....

Yes it is hard work, and like you I'm under no illusions that I'm a saint or even easy to live with. He is from a very different culture & I think I was blasé about how much language & lack of a common heritage / reference points would tell with children. Not sure how many arguments are caused by a chip on my shoulder about it!

Money issues always amplify stress & I'm a SAHM too but trying to get back to work after years out of my career, does nothing for my self esteem. Are you considering going back to work? Would that help given more physical distance between you therefore fewer opportunities for you to wind each other up or just put a different strain on the marriage?

And also the same re feeling like his mother, running around after him, nagging re doing things, tidying up after himself. It's hard to know how it would change when I finally get back to work & he will start to pull his weight more or I will carry on essentially as before with work on top & ever more resentful

Yes will probably go back to work when DS 3 goes to school, in a school hours capacity, but maybe enough to get that distance. - if we can make it that far!
I agree about the different backgrounds thing. DH is from a very middle class family, and even told me once that he's had to lower his social class to be with me! Cheers for that! I can't say that's not one of my resentments towards him. I know he looks down on my family and it's very hurtful.

How long until you could go back to work hazbaz?

Well DS2 is in final year of pre-school so in theory now as I too want to work school hours or at least on p/t. Trying to find something on those terms where we are that would take me on after 5+ years not working seems to be a very big ask funnily enough. It was never meant to be this long but I wouldn't have missed out on them being little.

That must have been a humdinger of an argument for him to say such a crass / rude / stupid thing!

It's hard afterwards not to keep replaying the arguments / perceived hurts & keeping a mental tally which hardly helps - I really think resentment is a good word to describe our marriage.

It does make you wonder if it's worth it. I think I'd cope well and be quite happy on my own but I know the kids would miss him terribly. Especially seeing as he's at home so much.
I guess it's weighing up how much our relationship is damaging them? Although we don't have screaming matches, there is often tension and bad feeling. I'm not naive enough to think that won't affect them.
Work wise I'll be looking at working in childcare ( that's what my background is in) but it's notoriously badly paid and won't be much more than minimum wage.

So did you fall back in love enough @WeevilKnievel to make it ok for him to be driving his child around at 120mph and think it's fine?

I was unhappily married for 17 years. I used to fight the knowledge 'I do not love you anymore' really hard, because once it was in the world I would have to leave. But it would not go away. One day when I was away from home with work it came over me really forcefully. That whatever the rights and wrongs, I could not go on. I rang him up, asked if he was sitting down and I had to tell him something. I said, 'I don't want to be married anymore'. There were several days before I went home. Everything was different when I did. Just saying the words out loud changed everything. Obviously the next year while it was sorted was hellish, but I never doubted the truth of that moment. It was a relief. As we went on I realised he had never really loved me enough. We are good co-parents now, touch wood. And our relationship is so much better. He HAS to do his share, because he is on his own with our DC some of the time.

Re. your own situation, I don't mean to sound mercenary, but I wouldn't do anything drastic until he has received his money. You will be entitled to half of that. Maybe that is the spur for you to separate.