Hi all. I am a 28 year old man. I have recently split up with somebody and I am struggling to come to terms with it.
I have known this girl for the past 15 years. We were always close but we were in very different places with uni etc. growing up. We have always loved each other and looked out for one another, but a year or so ago we fell in love with each other.
It was the most beautiful and natural thing that I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. Everything was so easy. I said to her, how I found it strange, I wasn't out looking to fall in love, but sometimes the things that you may believe are far and wide sit right under your nose.
No more. A couple of weeks we split up. And by we split up, I mean she has ended our relationship.
A couple of weeks ago she was texting me and I made a snappy comment back to her, just before valentines day. I then proceeded to not speak to her until the Sunday after Valentine's day.
I know. I'm an idiot. She rang me up on Sunday to tell me that she could not do it anymore. I tried to accept it. Obviously it wasn't quite as simple as that. I couldn't let it go. I refused to believe that a few days of non-communication could end something so special.
So I had to tell her why it had happened.
She is incredibly talented and her profession demands that she essentially play a waiting game until she gets an opportunity. They are few and far between and when it came along she had to grab it. And she did. And she is brilliant at what she does.
In the lead up to her getting the job she was quite down. She gets very stressed and then gets very ill so I try and take the brunt of things for her when I can.
She considered jacking her passion in and taking a 'normal' job. I stood by her and helped her as any lover would. I would do little things like cook for her or when I could she was stressing out about something I would try and get her to talk to me. Whatever it was. Stroke her hair, cuddle her, whatever she needed.
It seems the job took control very quickly. It became all engrossing and I soon became the last thing on her list. I didn't mind because I knew she had made so many sacrifices to get there, and I knew that in time it would pass.
But it still made me feel like . She would wake up shaking through stress, and I would hold her to make her right.
Quite quickly the only time we got to spend together was when I would go to see her in the evening at her house, which was fine but it was always sat with her mum watching soaps, very rarely just the two of us. My house was being done up and so the only rooms available were my bedroom and the kitchen.
Sex is also very important to me. It always has been. Not in a jack-the-lad kind of way, but in a sense of physical release and the emotional attachment to a lover. Unfortunately, she is quite petite, and I am quite large, and it just caused her pain too often. This didn't help our situation.
So Xmas came and she had family coming from far away. I knew we wouldn't be able to spend much time because she very rarely got to see them, and she was very close to them still despite this.
There was really a finite window during the holiday period to which I would get to see her, but it passed. I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to fell guilty or anything - she was very ill over Xmas.
My season stated up again after Xmas and her work continued. Due to my commitments at a sports club I have many evenings where I am busy.
My job day to day isn't always stressful, but there are times when it is very, very stressful. I am pushed to my limits and it can be hard to cope. But I always get on with it and get the job done.
Then a couple of weeks ago (near valentines) she started sending me pictures of her as a baby. I wasn't in the mood to have to constantly reply to her about baby pictures. Yes they were cute, but to be honest to me at that moment it could have been any baby. I made the point that I didn't really care for her pics, quite flippantly, and she said fine talk to me when you have stopped being an arse.
Fair enough. What she didn't realise was that I was round consoling my mother, and we were both grieving as it was the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I really miss him.
In the grand scheme of what was going on in my life (I was being attacked in the local papers for what was happening at my club, work was stressful, I had a girlfriend for whom I'd been a rock for for the past 4 months and not once complained about anything, and I was sat in my mum's house with her crying trying to make her feel better).
I was so angry with her. She was annoyed with me for being flippant with her about her some photos and I had been breaking myself to keep her right for the past few months. This was going to be the first night in so long where I had some quality time with her. I was going to see her, just the two of us, and then I was going to try and tell her about everything that had been going on. I was happy to just leave it be and wait for her to call me.
I couldn't talk to her that angry so I was trying to let it pass before I spoke to her.
She dropped me. So I told her all of these things. I told her how strong I had been for her, how I'd been through all of this, how I kept going despite it all, because I knew it would come good, how I was too scared to tell her because I was trying to protect her. She had enough shit going on in her life, she didn't need me to dump mine on her too. to which she has now taken an even worse turn.
She said she did not realise that she had been doing this. She acknowledged pretty much everything I said as true and said she now needs time to find out what's going on. She didn't realise what she had become, how she had become quite selfish and how she had pushed me to the back of the queue.
The worst part of all of this, is that now, when I need her more than ever, she has walked away because she has to get herself straight. I know she cares for me, I know she loves me. But she says she can't be with me because I am too good at lying. I hid all of this from her for so long and she now feels terrible.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say or do but for some reason I came here and wrote this out. It might be gibberish to you but wen I need her most she is not willing to help us both out, she thinks we need to find out ourselves and if it is fate then we will be together. Just writing this out feels better somehow, although it doesnlt make perfect sene.
But I just can't let go. I'm heartbroken. I need her now, in my time of need like I was there for her. I can honestly say that I have never been as happy in my entire life as I have been with her .I was passionate about you from the start. I haven’t always been correct, but having the emotional intelligence of an amoeba, I have tried to just do one thing and that is love her as passionately as I could. I may not have been able to show her all the time but I will look back on this time and know that I lived it and loved it with passion.
I will never stop loving her. I told her mum when I went to see her a few months ago, I have always loved her, but now I am in love with her. I can’t see that changing anytime soon.
I can also say this is now the worst I have ever felt. And what really pisses me off is that I know I should just pull myself together and get on with it. It makes me so angry to think that I am being this pathetic. 100 years ago I would probably be in the south of France in the trenches with my brothers. I would be letting them down and I would be letting myself down. In a weird way, I sort of envy them. It was live day to day moment to moment and don't let the complications of life get in the way of the fact that you wont have one unless you man up and pull yourself together.
I need to move on. But I can't. Everything I do, everywhere I go, I see something which reminds me of the fact that I am not good enough for her.
So my questions is, how do I get on with my life?