Problems with mum

[Winniethewylde]

So I wrote a tread on here a while back about contemplating separation from my husband. My parents know the way I am feeling and up until today have been very supportive, told me there's always a bed for me and the children with them and that they will be there for me whatever I choose to do. I was bowled over by their support really at what is a very difficult time for me.

Well, today she has just blown me away. Told me she can't believe I'm not trying to sort things out properly with DH, said I'm selfish for even contemplating separation because of the effect on the children, told me I'm burdening them with my problems and that they have enough on their plate, that I should just ride it out because of the children and that she'd be ashamed if people started gossiping about me.

I feel utterly broken now, I feel like the one place I had support has been taken from me and I'm so upset. I'm usually so close to them but don't know what to say now.

Sadly a lot of people whose parents say 'they will be there for you always' actually don't come through when it's put to the test. It happens a lot :(

It's a really bad double whammy when you have to separate and your parents suddenly prove to be broken reeds.

You will get through.

Is there possibly anywhere else you can go? They've made their position clear and it would be better to go anywhere but there. If you do have to go there, it could only be for a very short time.

I would also turn to friends instead of to your parents for moral and maybe practical support now. They probably love you and are very sad that your relationship isn't working but they've handled this very badly. It isn't fair or right or helpful to come out with this now.

Wow,that's odd. Did she give any hint as to why she has changed her mind? Could one of them be ill, for example? If you could discuss and just ask for emotional rather than practical support would that help you?

Is leaving without their practical support not an option? Sorry,too many questions.

What a peculiar change in attitude and how selfish and disloyal. Ashamed of gossip? Hope you told her that you'd be ashamed if anyone knew that your own parents had let you down like that. Sorry that one escape route has been closed down and I hope you find an alternative soon.

I haven't actually left DH, they just know all the problems we've been having and I told them it was something to be considered. I'm also having counselling to try to sort my head out too. I actually wouldn't want to go there now after what she's just said, we would feel like a burden and I'd hate to be that to anyone. Although if it came down to it we actually would have no where else to go

We are close but she does tend to take things out on me when something is bothering her so yes Matilda I suspect there is something else going on but she said some really hurtful things to me when I thought I had her full support no matter what the outcome.

I guess maybe I need to stop sharing my feelings with them as it appears to be fuelling them ready to turn on me.

I did say that I wasn't ashamed of feeling the way I was feeling but she kept saying about all the ill effects of a 'broken home' and now I just feel terrible for even considering it.

She's basically hit you with every anti-divorce, anti-lone parent prejudice going. What she said before about supporting you whatever you decide, clearly was missing the caveat... 'provided you decide to stick it out'.

I feel sorry for people like her, to be honest. It's so often their own bitterness, fears, ignorance and frustration coming out. They stuck it out being miserable for the sake of the kids so why should anyone else be happy? They've read about 'broken homes' in the newspapers. My own DM occasionally goes off on some Daily Mail rant about 'single mothers' conveniently forgetting I am one....

It's going to be difficult not to take this personally and yes, it was probably a mistake to take her into your confidence. Which is a terrible shame but not a lot you can do about it. Don't let it put you off your objective. If you want better in life, sometimes you have to cause offence.

Oh Cogito you've just made me cry I actually think you have hit the nail on the head. She herself comes from a very dysfunctional family with parents who never spoke to each other, never gave out any love or affection to each other and favoured one child massively over all the others. I guess she doesn't want me to end up like that but also sees the huge sacrifices her own mother made for the children and I suppose thinks thats what mothers do.

I just feel lonely now though.

I hate rants about single mothers. What the women who stand on their own and stick by their childrens side often doing the work of 2 parents singlehandedly? Why are men who leave never blamed? How come men walk away from their children and avoid blame/scorn?

A relationship breaks down and its because the woman hasnt tried hard enough? And this is coming from other women? Fuck that shit.

I agree with you there, I got told I obviously married him for a reason, had 2 children by him and I clearly wasn't trying hard enough. I feel really angry now.

I didn't want to make you cry, sorry Yes, if she 'stayed together for the kids' or thinks that mothers should sacrifice everything for the family, then she was just stringing you a line before and not taking you seriously.

It's OK to feel lonely. Striking out for independence is a pretty ballsy thing to do and it's natural to have a few wobbles. If your own mother has pulled up the drawbridge as well, it's going to hurt. I don't know who else you have on your side? Have you confided in a friend?

Courage!

Oh and do I realise how awful it would be being on my own with 2 children?

Thanks cogito I have told a friend but now I'm doubting that as my mother thinks people can't be trusted and will be gossiping about me.

With no disrespect intended to your mother, she's trying to frighten you. Not everyone can be trusted, of course, but if you trust your friend, then trust your judgement. Gossip is an occupational hazard of doing anything interesting or controversial. It is not the end of the world if others mention you in conversation!

Thank you, I do trust my friend it's just she's making me doubt everything and cloud my judgement on things. I really feel like she has turned on me and I don't know why.

She's turned on you because, by making a stand for something better than a bad marriage, you are perceived to be challenging her values and her decisions. You're not, of course, but some people regard anything that doesn't 100% agree with their own view as a personal attack. It is their problem, not yours.

She appeared to be supporting you originally because she didn't think you were serious about ending the marriage. I expect she thought that if she let you talk it out, you would change your mind.

This is when you need people who are very biased towards what you want to do. Not ambivalent and certainly not anti. You can't look for support from your DH & your DM is out of the running. Surround yourself with 'yes' people as best you can

We are close but she does tend to take things out on me when something is bothering her

is this a long standing pattern? If so, then ... well she hasn't really turned on you out of the blue. I think this is something that the signs have been there before, only it was hard to entertain the thought she'd let you down so very badly at such an important point.

Her actions have permanently influenced your relationship, I think. The words can't be unsaid. You know your mother can't be relied on to be genuinely helpful.

But not everyone is like that, winnie. I think that if you consider your friends carefully there may be one or two who you really can trust. Consider their past behaviour. Do they gossip? then you know they can't be trusted. If they are the sort of people who secrets are safe with, then you're ok.

About where to go. If your parents were deceased, you would have to find alternatives. It's worth putting the time aside to see how you would manage this and planning it out; finances, work, where you would sleep.