Did he lead me on? Embarrassed at work!!

[JulieRuin]

Exactly what the title says really. New guy at work. We dont work closely together but our departments have regular dealings with each other. Took a while to get to know him but at a work night out we just clicked. Had a great time together. Lots in common. In the weeks following he texted/emailed me constantly, last thing at night, first thing in morning etc. Flirty but in a cheeky/fun way rather than sleazy way. Also we opened up to each other a lot. Mostly instigated by him. Now all of a sudden nothing. He barely replies to my messages and if he does they are brief and vague.

I'm left wondering what I've done wrong! The worst thing is having told him my inner-most feelings and now I have to see him at work most days knowing I have probably "over shared". I feel hurt and embarrassed. What happened??

He's married and his missus found out.

Agree with noble.

What stupid advice. Geez someone reaches out and thats all you can say.

If he is single it might be to he that the thrill of the chase is over, he can have you when he wants.

He was attracted to you when you were busy just living your life, and now you're going out of your way for him by sending him emails and he's not even replying, it could be a turn off - because you made yourself so available to him.

My advice would be do you want to pursue it or in the grand scheme of things could you really not care less.

I wouldn't recommend the first because if a guy really likes you then he will make the effort.

But regardless if you do like him then do not contact him again and if he sends you an email then definitely don't reply straight away. Go back to how you were before all the flirting started. If you see him around work just act totally cool and smile and say hi and then leave it at that.

Both options seem likely. Saying that he may be married is not stupid in any way. At least no more stupid than saying it's the thrill of the chase for him.

I think you need to make sure it's not the married option, if you haven't already, but in any case do distance yourself. From what you said you did nothing wrong, but who knows what's in his head?
Why not ask him directly what has happened?

For whatever reason, he's lost interest.

Keep your pride intact and move on.

Other woman or lost interest...

Either way he has shown what a coward he is, rather than talk to you he has gone for the old "ignore and she'll get the message" meanwhile you have no closure so are over analysing "what did I do wrong"

Walk away from whatever the relationship/friendship was, don't constant him again. Suck it up and move on

He is very immature whatever the reason (which you may never know)

Relationships at work are high risk as you have discovered. Opening up to someone makes you vulnerable and that's not a good situation in a workplace environment. I wouldn't have anything further to do with someone who texts you late at night early in the morning then nothing. It makes them unreliable and best avoided.

I agree with bberry don't give it anymore headspace or get involved in finding out what happened he's just not worth it

I agree with others that he's lost interest. It's an awful feeling so but I really wouldn't pursue it. If for some reason he's just had a momentary attack of idiocy then he will realise and make that clear to you. But, I'm sorry to say, far more likely is that he's moved on - met someone else maybe or a million other reasons. And you chasing after him will not do anything except add to your embarrassment. Try to go back to friendly but professional/distant, hard as that is. Stop emailing him etc. Good luck...

I also think it seems as though he's lost interest and decided you aren't right for him or whatever. Sometimes it does just happen overnight; you wake up and feel differently about someone. Probably best to stop contact with him.

You need to look at what happened right before contact stopped. If it was you offloading your innermost thoughts then I would blame that.

My advice in the future is not to do this as it makes you highly vulnerable.

Keep things under wraps until you know someone really well.

Is be put off too tbh.

Good luck and chalk this one up to experience.

Quite - I don't think she needs to blame herself. If it was the right guy. a little offloading wouldn't 'to matter.

He has lost interest for whatever reason. You weren't meant to be.

He's definitely not married.

Thinking about it I thnk it may have been the thrill of the chase. I also suspect he's met someone else as he seems to constantly be texting at work every time I've seen him lately, and it's not me he's messaging now!

I know I'll get over it, and I hadn't slept with him or anything. It's just the sharing of intimate thoughts (not sexual), I thought we were developing something special. As daisy says, it's left me feeling vulnerable.

I will distance myself, remain polite and professional and not contact him again outside work.

I doubt it's anything you did. It sounds like he's met someone else.

Whatever happened, I hope he has the decency to keep any 'innermost feelings' you told him strictly confidential. If you feel vulnerable, I suggest you have a conversation with him to that end. If he uses any information he's gathered from you in order to start gossip or undermine you in any way then make it an HR matter.

I don't think he's really the gossiping type. And he doesn't know anything that could cause me any harm work-wise. Just personal stuff that would cause maybe a bit of embarrassment but no terrible secrets or anything! TBH I know more about him that could cause problems for him at work, bit of a fondness for skiving, not that I'd repeat anything. But still!

It's definitely a lesson learned. Though I keep hoping he'll get things back on track with me. Wish I could switch that stupid annoying part of my brain/heart off. I do know I cannot and will not be emailing/texting him (work aside) anymore though. He's just not that into me!

Yeah just shrug shoulders and act the same way towards him as he is being to you. Act colder as if nothing was happening between you anyway.

It sounds like he's met someone, all friendships can drift when someone is in a new relationship as they are thinking of only one person.

He was hoping for a quick and easy conquest, but you were sensibly playing it slow. .... he's now found someone who he thinks will take less effort to get into bed.

Men like this are shitty aren't they?

I've had 2 'encounters' since my marriage split 6 months ago. Both significantly younger but &.. interesting! One was physically very attractive, said all the right things, messages etc then blanked me all of a sudden. the other was lovely, said can we put the night down to NYE drunkeness but be friends etc & was very sound about it. A much more decent and normal way of nipping things in the bud.

Hardly thought about the Nye thing but the other one keeps entering my head cos, like you OP, nothing has been closed. I was only after his body too