dh not speaking to children

[Infestedwithcats]

My husband does not speak to my eldest son, 21, or my daughter, 17. He does talk to other son , 19. Am I failing them by 'allowing' this to continue, it's been going on for years. I admit I feel weak and scared of him.

Do they all live with you?

How has it come about?

How many years - did something trigger this?

Yes, they are all at home x

That is abusive. What a dickhead making them feel so unheard. Making them feel they have dome somthing so so terrible he cant even speak to them....
I hope they wnt rust to talk to him whenn he graciously deigns to talk to them again

Also, playing favourites. One golden child escapes the shunning, for now.
He sounds a real fuckwit your h.

Sorry op.

Ive had that treatment for steppng out of line.

You can't change his behaviour, but you could make it clear to him that it won't be tolerated any longer. If you're afraid of him then perhaps you could phone Women's Aid and speak to them? They are very familiar with these sorts of situations and will be able to advise you.

I don't know what your dc I'd to 'deserve' the abusive treatment but NOTHING could make this ok in my mind. If anybody, let alone my husband, treated my dc like shit on his shoe, he would no longer be welcome in my life.

*did

For years? There's a man with some serious issues

and there is a woman who puts up with crap

Is he their father?

OP - Please don't drip feed.

Initially this sounds wrong on every level but give us context as to why/when/how it happened.

How do the DC feel about this?
How does DH feel about this?

What's life at home like. Do you sit/eat together in evenings, is there an atmosphere or has it become the norm??

Please give details before proper advice can be offered.

You poor woman and your poor children.

Please answer all the questions raised so far.

And why are you scared of him?

So you all live in the same house, but he doesn't speak to two if the children? That is so shocking and very abusive, for the young adults involved and for you having to witness it.
You need to get away from this situation. It's not healthy or reasonable.

This is awful. The 'golden child' will also suffer in ways you haven't thought of. Tell your husband that this ends now and he makes a sincere apology - or he gets the hell out. How long has this been going on for and do you just sit there in complicit silence?

My dad did this with me. Not for years but when I 'incurred his displeasure' he would ignore me. I was a child, can remember this from age 6 onwards.

Please don't put your children through this, you are supposed to protect them and you're not doing that. Make amends now and bring this to an end. You can then start trying to repair the damage that you've done to your children.

What an awful situation for them and indeed for you. This will have been very damaging for them and needs to be sorted out.

Well he's a monumental cunt!

I couldn't be with someone like this.

Also I suspect you've posted because you know its not right but you need validation of this as no doubt your H is telling you it is fine. Or the fault of the children. Or your fault. Anything but his fault. And it isn't fine, it really isn't.

I'm sorry that you are living in fear. I think, if you want to have any kind of relationship with your DCs in years to come, you are going to have to overcome your fear and do something about your DH. If confronting him would put you at risk, reject him instead.

It's a form of abuse, imo. To refuse to speak to your young children - how old were they when this started? If it's been going on for years as you say, they were children when their father decided to start to ignore them.

It is not your fault, it is his fault but yes, they need you to stand up for them and say this this is not acceptable and to put them first.

What he is doing is so cruel and so damaging to them.

yes contact women's aid for help getting him out. Your relationship with your three children and their relationships with each other (and he's also damaging those) are much more precious to you than your relationship with him. Don't sacrifice precious relationships for fear of the unknown or fear of uncertainty (financially). Sorry if I was harsh last night on my phone. It's a really shitty situation for you and I'm sure it came gradually. It's so passive aggressive as well, not speaking, that the extent of the "water torture" only dawns on you gradually, and then you feel you've lived with it for a while already and you seem to be 'ok' (just) so you feel it would be an unnecessarily dramatic move to do something as drastic as put your foot down and say no more.

I would say the damage is so extreme now, it wouldn't be enough for you to just say "start speaking to the children now or you have to leave" because that's sending a message to them that they're back in favour now. And you had to 'negotiate' that on their behalf.

I think if I were in the shoes that your children are in, I'd want my mother to pick me, pick us.

If you value your relationship with your children, speak out now. You have to (literally) choose them. I wouldn't waste time asking him to apologise to them. I would get him out of your home, YOUR HOME ffs, the children have had a parent in their 'home' who doesn't speak to them for years and I would say to them 'he's gone now and I'm so, so sorry that I wasn't strong enough to take this stand earlier'.

Your children need to know that you SEE that his behaviour is wrong and they also need to see that you're prepared to make a stand.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but sometimes lookinng back on things that hurt you can judge the people who stood by and didn't nail their colours to the post. more harshly, because it hurts more.