Looking for advice on how to deal with my in laws

[Namaah123]

I generally get on with my in laws but they have very different idea's of what is acceptable which ends up causing alot of friction between me and my husband. Thankfully the live a long way away so we dont see them often but i hate that i dread them visiting or us visiting them and i want things to improve. The problem however is my husband does not want to say anything to his inlaws about our feelings and bounderies. He also doesn't want me to say anything to them either, so far i have mostly managed to hold back but now i am really stuggling.

The latest issue is the amount of presents my kids get (from almost everyone in both my family and his). I have 4 young children (1yo, 2yo, 2yo, 3yo) and this christmas (not including gifts from "santa") they got 389 toy presents between them all, they also recieved over 200 other presents like stickers and sweets and clothes. I cannot cope with the constant flow of stuff into my house. I donate bags of stuff almost weekly and it is still building up.

I typed up a very polite email saying that although i was very grateful for having so many caring family members we are all stuggling to find space and time to enjoy anything in our house. I asked if everyone who gives present to my child could limit it to 1 physical present and if they wish to give more then they can put money in the childs trust funds or buy memberships to places for them or if they had any other suggestions i would probably be fine with it. I sent this as a group email to 19 people (mostly my family) and the response was great from my side of the family, they just hadn't stopped to think about how much stuff we already have and they came up with some great alternative gifts but from my husbands side of the family they have taken a huge offense to it.

My sister in Law immediatly phoned my husband screaming down the phone about how i was singleing her out and telling her that her presents weren't good enough and she wont have me picking out her presents for her. I never mentioned anything about specific people or specific gifts or even dictated what they buy. The closest i came to it was i said if anyone if struggling for an idea then they are welcome to message me and i will let them know what the kids are into. Anyways my sister in laws gifts while too many are normally pretty good for the kids compared to alot of the other crap they get. My husband would not let me speak to her to explain what i ment and told me he would appologise to her for me....i dont even know why i am supposed to be appologising

My Mother in law emailed back offended by the full thing and saying, again , that i was singleing her out. And that she will buy the kids whatever she wants because it shows them that she cares about them and kids love getting presents. And again he wouldn't let me message her back with the message i already typed and offered to let him read and edit before i sent saying that i wasn't trying to offend her and i sent it to 13 of my own family members aswell and that we dont physically have stuff to put everything in our house and that although the kids like getting presents they are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of them and i end up feeling like i am forcing my protesting children to sit down and open their next batch of presents every birthday and christmas because there is too many. My husband instead phoned her and told her I didn't mean to send it to her and that she can buy extra presents to make up for the less they are getting.

My husband completely agrees with me about the too much stuff situation and wishes everyone would stop buying so much stuff but he doesn't want to risk upsetting his family.

It might not sound like a huge issue but it is only 1 of many other issues that he will gloss over

e.g.
everytime they visit they will not spend time with the kids, they expect the kids to do what they want to do. Instead of my idea of telling them we will go to their thing on tuesday and then take the kids to xyz on wednesday he thinks we should just go along with it as they dont see us everyday

my father in law thinks that his wife and kids and me and my kids should sit quietly at a restraunt table for 3 hours before dinner so that him and my husband can drink and talk. This was one thing i did put my foot down at after the first few times of trying to amuse hungry and bored babies in a busy restraunt for hours. but my husband told them it was because we cant get the kids to behave in a restraunt that we dont eat out with them anymore which annoyed me and they behave just fine when we go out. every time they come up his father gets the huff because we wont go out for a meal with them which turns into an arguement between me and my husband as he thinks i should just go and put up with it as that is the way his father is.

and too many more issue to bore you all with

As i said i have got to the point where i dread seeing them and the kids are miserable most of the time because they are bored/cold/tired/hungry because they will not make allowences for what the kids need. Me and my husband are arguing more and more over his parents and it is putting a huge strain on our relationship. I dont expect them to change every single thing or to change over night but if we just keep on keeping quiet and smooting things over then it will never get any better

OP, I honestly think your DP needs to fess up to the fact that he has issues as a result of this - and to deal with them, which probably means seeing his GP and possibly a therapist too.

It is NOT normal for a grown man to need to ring his mum multiple times to ask which car to buy! if he invites the in laws into your lives like that, it's no wonder you have no space to do your own thing. He needs to accept nothing less than an adult role in relationship to them.

It is difficult facing up to deep issues with bullying in the past, but it can be done.

You definitely need a frank sit down with your dh. With regard to the presents, you have been clear. If they continue to send huge piles of tat, start sending it back to them until they get the message. If they kick up a fuss, suggest that they keep the presents at their house for when you visit.

With regard to taking the kids out for long meals when they visit. You just need to be clear with your inlaws and dh that it is not practical to expect young children to sit for hours. If your husband doesn't back you up oj this, then I would let them all go out with the kids for a meal without you. i imagine it will only take one time of your dh trying to entertain his parents and 4 small children for the message to become clear and not come up again.

Your husband is not being straight with you , his parents , or himself. He apparently agrees with you about the amount of presents but then apologizes to his family on your behalf when you raised it.

There is also the issue of him being negative about the children's misbehaviour and claiming you don't go out. Your husband is telling lies and being manipulative and I wouldn't tolerate it. He comes across as a bit of a victim with his approval seeking 're hovering and acting guilty , but on the other hand he's not beyond arguing with you about his parents and insisting you don't contact mil and sil .

Normally I'd say his parents, his problem, let him deal with them. It's clear from your last few posts though that his relationship with them is so wrong on so many levels that he can't. Parts of your posts actually made me cringe, how he acts around them and how he seeks your approval.

Hopefully with professional help your dh will find a way to develop an adult relationship with his parents. Until then you are the only responsible adult in all this. You can't really make it any worse for him with his family. He won't see it that way of course. He's far more scared about upsetting them than he is about upsetting you.

You can't be his therapist, and you can't change his relationship with his parents. You can however stand up for yourself and your family unit. He may need your approval and that of his parents, you don't. You are allowed to tell them what you want/need. You are entitled to say this is how we do things as a family, join in or don't.

They've clearly made a monumental up when it comes to parenting their son. Why on earth would anything they say about how you parent have any credibility ?

Be honest with your dh about how you intend moving forward with this. He'll be terrified of anything he thinks will challenge his parents, and resistant to any change towards them. You say it's already affecting your marriage though, so doing nothing and letting him appease them will not help.

You sound strong enough to stand up to them. Unfortunately your dh isn't so you're in for a bumpy ride.

Sorry, that should have read "monumental f**k up" - I'll just swear properly next time !