EA (ex)H using DS1 trauma to make contact

[yougotafriend]

I left my emotionally abusive H in November, to start with he was texting me all the time and I was replying in as bland a way as possible. The texts got less and less and I started ignoring the ones that did come. He sent long letter in January & I text (after very good advice on here) that I wasn't going to respond as we're seperated. Since then we've been NC and all is good.

Last night DS1 (18) was in my house and clearly upset about something he couldn't quite articulate but all to do with college/future prospects etc, but he had a good cry and we talked a lot and he seemed better for it.

I felt I had to tell his Dad because (1) he lives with him and I don't want him to go from mine and sinklow again and (2) he could actually be of some practical help as he works in the construction trade and has contacts re appreticeships etc (I work in admin so no help at all).

So after my initial call last night today I've had 2 texts & 2 calls all on the pretext of an update about DS1......aarrrggghhhh!!!!!

How do I say "I don't want to talk to you about it" without sounding like an uncaring mother??

It's only day 1 - maybe he'll back off, I just have an underlying feeling the floodgates have been opened & I'm the one who bloody opened them....so annoyed with myself!

Forgive yourself, and close the floodgates again.

Your son is 18 years old and can ask his father for help with contacts in the trade himself.

You know NC is the only way to go; it worked for you before, and you can just reinstate it. Just don't reply to the latest texts.

I would probably text or call your son to see how he's doing today, and ignore the ex's texts.

that way if your X says to your son "Huh. Guess your mother isn't too bothered about you, she's ignored my texts about you", your son will know that you have contacted him (son) directly and not feel insecure.

That's the way I would go, but you know your DS and your X best.

I agree with pocketsaviour

or, send text saying "For the record, My contact yesterday was entirely with regards to DSs state of angst, & I thought as his father you could be of some asisstance to him." Other than for DS I require no other contact"

Agree with pocketsaviour, also I'd send a text along the lines of:

'Now you're in the picture, I think it would be better to communicate directly with DS1 on how he's doing.'

Thanks for your replies. Tbh they don't have a great relationship, struggle to communicate over anything either of them feel strongly about without it descending into an argument.... I guess I can see now that I've always been the peacekeeper.

But you're right he's 18 and needs to talk to his dad properly. We've been texting all day and he's he's admitted since I left he doesn't feel "looked after" anymore.... (Ahh bless, we could all do with a bit of that....) so he'll spend more time with me which suits me fine.

I think a dad wallowing in self pity and 2 teenage DS living together means they just all get on doing their own thing.