Dh is completely delusional about our relationship and how it was and telling everyone this 'break' has come out of the blue

[Saturn123]

Dh and I split up in December 2012. He lives in the same town as me but in a rented apartment. I have been trying to get divorced from him for 2 years but have yet to manage to agree anything because he is being so difficult. It has cost me over £15k in legal fees and I have had to pay some of his otherwise he has refused to see lawyers.

It is an absolute disaster and the stress is killing me. I have a full time, high powered job in the city, I have 2 teenagers I am desperately trying to parent through this and an ex husband who won't co-operate.

I saw one of our old joint friends last week who said to me that dh is telling everyone that this split came out of the blue. For years, and I mean years, I had been telling him how unhappy I was. I had sat at the dinner table in floods of tears trying to get through to him. By the time we split up, I wasn't even sleeping in the same bed. Even to my face, and the lawyers and anyone who will listen, dh is telling them that there was no sign our relationship was unhappy and he is completely faultless and I am obviously deranged.

What is really hurting me is that in my past, i suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a relative. Eventually, in my 30s, I went to the police and they dealt with the matter. It didn't go to trial but the person responsible lost their job (which was with children). He has since died. I had to go to counselling afterwards which I found hugely beneficial. All of this coincided with our relationship breaking down but WAS NOT the reason for it. Dh has decided in his head that I am 'damaged' goods and this is why we are not still together.

I am finding everything so hard. I am tired. Work is so busy, I just had a week off but I'm only 2 days back in and I have so much to do. The kids aren't easy at the ages they are and I love them dearly and they are being fantastic at home but it's tough doing everything by yourself. My lawyer is great, he sees what dh is like and says he is the most frustrating ex-dh he has ever dealt with but none of this is solving anything any quicker.

It is likely, as I have stayed in the house and have a good job, that I will have to raise an additional mortgage to buy dh out of the house. I begged him to settle this quickly as I am in my 40s and don't want a mortgage when I am ancient but he won't do it. I will have to forgo my share in his pension (I don't have one as I was going to share his as it was so much better than mine) so I will have to start again to save for my retirement with a huge mortgage. He still won't budge.

I am seeing him tonight but am already dreading it. We are meeting to discuss the settlement but I have not much hope of reaching an agreement. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get through his thick skull once and for all?

You need to stop paying his legal fees for a start. He is not your responsibility. You can take him to court even if he has no legal representation- that's his choice. Keep moving forward with your head high but leave him to sort his own side of things. Chances are he'll move pretty quickly if there's danger of him being held in contempt ofcourt...

I would offer him the 300k then as soon as everything is signed and sealed get onto the CSA who can chase him up.

If he declines this the judge will see that: he took a lower paid job willingly, refused to pay maintenance, refused a reasonable settlement from you. All while taking into account you aren't asking for his pension.

You need to treat this like a business transaction and nothing more.

When you see him tonight you need to play it carefully. If he senses your happy he will want to ruin that. Don't plead with him, he will enjoy the squirming.

I don't believe assets you acquire after separation are his to share. Not do I believe you are responsible for his debts apart from the mortgage if in joint names.

I'm about to embark on the separation and divorce journey, and have a query about pensions someone might be able to answer. OP, you said you're having to buy your exh out of the house AND give up any claim on his pension even though you don't have an equivalent pension pot. I'm in the same boat. I'm hoping to buy my H out of the house, using his pension as a bit of leverage. I don't have a good pension at all, having been self employed and taking time off when the dcs were small. I wondered if anyone else had experience of similar situations they can share. Am I likely to be able to do this?

Do his lawyers know that you are paying them?

I am not sure, but it sounds like it could come under conflict of interest. At the very least, the cost of any of his legals fees should come out of any settlement he gets.

Dont pay any more of his bills and if he doesnt want to see a solicitor then thats his tough tits. Serve him, go to mediation and court if needs be. Once he realises that burying his head inthe sand isnt working , he may well change his tune.

Of course he may not, but at least you will get rid of the dickhead.

Oh and surely him taking a lower paid job after you seperated should have no ramifications on the settlement as when you split up it was on the understanding that you were both earning roughly the same.

I would look into what your solicitor is telling you, I am not sure that they are serving you very well.

our finances are separate - in fact, they always were. I have never had a joint account with him.

His debt counts towards the totting up of assets and liabilities for the clean break calculation - because some of it (credit card debt) was started when we were together and he has just carried on with it and his lawyers are using it to argue that he can't afford to live on his current salary to the standard of living that he was accustomed to (which is bollocks as he is now in a house twice the size with a garden. We don't even have one).

I know someone said I have to think i am lucky to have what I have - I do of course but I live in an absolutely tiny house that just happens to have gone up enormously in value. To put it in perspective, it is a 2.5 bed terraced house with a 15 foot long concrete yard in the back. The house itself is only around 11 foot wide! It is not some massive house, it's just stupid London prices making it so valuable.

Dh is now in a 4 bed maisonette which on its own is about twice the size of our house with a 50 foot garden.

The spousal maintenance, if he went for it, he could get it. I would never offer it. The facts of the matter are that he is on a lower salary than me and that's all that really counts. My lawyers say he should not win because he is still on a very good salary, his lawyers say they would go all out to get it. Independently, I have had advice that said it could go either way but we me looking after the kids full time, it's unlikely to though Dh could go for joint custody (he hasn't though, also my children would never go for it, they want to live with me and are old enough that their choice would be taken into account). It is a possibility so I can't ignore it. This is why I am going for the clean break to have it sorted out once and for all.

I have thought about just offering the £300k - it would be extremely hard for me financially. Extremely hard. That extra £50k pushes me into a place where I would struggle enormously. I also don't think this is about the money. This is about him being an arse and making my life difficult as I was the one who kicked him out. He has said that several times - why should he suffer financially because I kicked him out.

To be honest, where I need to learn a lesson is to not treat my next partner (if I ever go near a man again!) so nicely. I should have made him pay his way. He should have paid half the bills when we were together. I was a mug. I subsidised his living when I shouldn't have done and he has carried on living that way without my subsidy and now can't cope and this is my fault (apparently) as I kicked him out and he doesn't see why he should have to suffer because of it.

I also need that clean break because he will carry on racking up debts and if he still owns half the house, at some point, he may need to sell it and I don't want him having the ability to do that. I'd like some security for me and the dcs.

his lawyers know I paid the last bill and yes it will come off the settlement. Without him having lawyers, this will take 100x longer believe me and probably end up costing me more as it will end up in court!

there's no reason why you can't Alabarama

just beware that pensions take on a different valuation in divorce, lower than the valuation you get on a statement. You have to get them valued for a divorce by an actuary and in my experience, the value they come up with is around 70% of the value you think they are worth.

I am giving up a claim on his pension to be able to buy him out of the house. If I kept a claim on his pension, I'd have to pay him more than I can afford and i want a clean break divorce for all the reasons I've stated below.

It's very hard Saturn and I should have settled a year before the court case - the court case went against me because he paid a huge amount of lawyers and (similar again) became 'self-employed' just after we separated so could say he was only on the minimum wage! Despite me giving up work for ten years to look after DC and him always earning 5x my salary

He got the marital home which - as soon as the divorce was finalised - he sold to move into a bigger house with his new girlfriend...

ooooh it's hard not to be bitter... but I should have given up in the beginning and settled. I was left unable to buy a house (bank wouldn't give me a mortgage on my own).

I don't think a court will go for spousal maintenance. Most favour a clean break. You have the children and all the costs involved there. He is on a good salary. It's ridiculous that you should have to pay him a monthly allowance on top of that.

Btw I still think you're mad not going for child support. You do know that your salary isn't taken into account, don't you? Document his reaction to that, too, as that could be useful later.

I just don't see why your solicitors aren't wiping the floor with him. He's in a bigger house, pays nothing towards the children and wants you to supplement his income?

Personally i would lay down your whole case in front of a new divorce lawyer and see what they say. I cant believe he could possibly be entitled to spousal maintenance, for instance, it doesnt make sense in these circumstances.

You have to weigh up if it's best to settle even if you have to compromise more than you want or let a court decide and pay the legal fees.

I don't see why your legal fees would be £150k. Who told you that? Even if you paid his fees (but why would you?)

And a pp told you post-separation finances are not counted. OH YES THEY ARE. All your earnings from now until you settle go into the pot. I wish Id known that when I divorced.

And someone else suggested hide your savings. Do not do this either!!! Everything has to come out in the financial settlement. You have to be 100% above board or you will be rumbled.

If he is as unreasonable as you say (as my ex was) you might have to go to court just for a resolution.

I've had 2 top lawyers give me their opinion on the case and both said the same.

The issue is that when he took the rental property out he was being unreasonable. If you look at the situation now, there are almost no 3 bed properties on the market for rental in our area (and it would need to be 3 bed as the children are different sex so no assumption to share). Almost everything that could move against me has done so.

The fact that he took a job at lower pay he explains away as they were making people redundant at his work place. They were but he wasn't one of them and if he was he could have stayed and got a pay out. He didn't, he resigned but he has played that card that he had to go and take his lower paid job when it came up or he may not have got another. All his 'stories' have some essence of being believable.

My solicitors are being quite aggressive, I shudder at some of the letters they write but his solicitors and dh sit there and shrug their shoulders. They know I earn more and could be saving therefore the asset pot gets bigger and he runs up more debt thus depleting the pot.

The only incentive for him to settle now is that he is going to run out of money. His bank statements still come through the door and he's at the top of his overdraft and his credit card is maxed out. He doesn't have a penny to his name and now he would have to get an official loan and I'm not sure he'd get one so that is my card. Settle now, sort out your money woes and let's move on and let me and the children get on with our lives! ARGH!

Also can you give the saving money to your parents, or someone you trust to look after. (For childcare!). Or put in bank account for kids.

Perhaps you could get your solicitors to write with the offer stating that as you have no savings and the house and his pension are your only assets, this will not change significantly on going to court.

That might put a rocket up him when he realises that you are not sitting on a pot of money.

All done and agreed

Wow well done you - what a relief! Here's to better times. Much love x

I won't believe it till it's signed but it's a big step in the right direction