Feeling a bit down about the situation with my mum...

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I posted on here a while back about whether I should cut my mum out of my life. It was a huge thing to be thinking of because we had always (or so it seemed) been close. I received some excellent advice and support on here and have been getting on great without her, and the siblings who stood by her. I am just feeling a bit wobbly today.

Basically my mum told me some time ago that my SIL found it hard to be around my son who has SN and when I eventually told my SIL what my mum had said (admittedly via my brother in the context of a row - not the best way for it to come out - but I still believe it needed to come out and be aired and dealt with) and instead of dealing with the issue as a family to my complete astonishment my SIL and mum closed ranks, denied having said anything of the sort and called me a vicious liar who had made the whole conversation up (quite why I would have done that I don't know). They now seem to have got everyone except my older brother on side. He has stood by me and thinks SIL and my mum have behaved dreadfully.

I found it hard that I was the one who had been hurt by the comments my SIL and mum had made and when I tried to discuss it I somehow ended up getting the blame but the hurt is an old hurt really because my mum has done this sort of thing all my life, whenever there has been an issue between me and her, she rarely says anything direct but complains about me to the others and I have just overlooked it in the past.

This time it really opened up a can of worms in that I realised being loved by my mum was contingent on me being compliant, agreeing with her about everything, and never challenging her about anything, including the abuse I received from my stepdad as a child, my mums coldness at the time, etc. She has never fully acknowledged it, and always denies my account of anything and tells everyone "what really happened" and they believe her, and she always seems to use me or my older brother as a scapegoat for the bad feelings in the family. She has always talked about us behind our backs.

To cut a long story short it seems that it is in fact my family who have cut me out. This time, with the support of my older brother I stood up for myself, refused to be labelled a liar and blamed for something they had said about my son and ended up telling the whole family either to treat me with more respect or leave me alone. They have not contacted me since.

I am finding that there are huge benefits in being able to be myself without having the shadow of blame, backstabbing and general nastiness that has gone on with these people in my life and of course I have my own lovely husband and babies and lots of lovely friends. But it is hard knowing that they would rather be without me than try and put things right. Can anyone who has been through this tell me it has got better for them? (I know that this is the case, I just need a bit of reminding right now!)

Hiya Pages - I was wondering how things were going. I am sorry to hear that your mum didn't see the light and that it has continued to cause problems with the rest of your family. But, I must admit that when I have periods of not talking to my mother, there is a lot of relief as well as sadness. Losing contact with anyone is like being bereaved, but, although I don't have experience of this beyond what has happened between my mum and brother, I am sure it will get better and other people will gradually fill the void...

Hello Pages Sounds like you've asked and answered your own question "does it get better?" - your life must be SO much less complicated now that you don't have to deal with all the politics that goes with partaking of family life. It already is better in that way and like Mumpbump says other people will fill the void that your Mum etc. have left in your life.

As far as those nagging feelings of guilt, loss, almost bereavement are concerned - yes I think those feelings will lessen with time. They certainly have for me. There are certain times of the year when it all comes to the surface and I keep asking myself "Why did it all come to this?" "Don't those b*t*ds miss me even a little bit?" (!). Those times come when I'm alone, usually late at night and often after an occasion where I have good memories of spending time with them (last week was Diwali - a particularly hard time for me).

I can't tell you how to deal with those moments because I haven't really found a permanent way of coping with them yet even after all this time

Having said that, I have found that they happen less and less nowadays and for shorter periods of time. The pain of losing them doesn't dominate my life. In a way, I'm glad I feel pain because otherwise I would have become as cold-hearted as they appear to be.

Maybe we should give ourselves time limits for the grief (five to ten minutes for a bit of wallowing in self-pity, for me anyway!) and then shake it off, look at our babies and remember that they're our future and our past is behind us.

Sorry I can't be more constructive - I hope you get through your difficult times - remember Mumsnet is here to hold your hand when you need it xx

I can somewhat relate.From a big family, there is always some politics going on..so many power struggles..family sometimes cannot accept that we all grow up and change..we expect to be treated with some kind of respect..for who we are..when growing up my family were my rock, I really looked up to all of them and always thought they wnated the best for me...unfortunately as I've got older..I realise..some of them feel they sltill want to control who you are, what you believe...etc. Very hard for people to accept change! as far as i am concerened..i still have relationhips with my family but it isn't how it was when we were growing up.My friends are the people who I really enjoy being with.
I think sometimes when people react in an immature way it says more about their insecurities than you.One of the best pieces of advice I got was never to take things personally. Sometimes people and families can be quite undermined and resentful when they see people other family memebers happy and gettting on with life with their own goals.
My advice is ..life is too short...get on with your own goals...and pursue you own happiness..
You cannot change people after a certain age...they will come around if and when they come to their senses.

sorry about all the spelling mistalkes...multi tasking here!

oh sweetheart, it is so very very hard

yes, it does get better but then something like Xmas will come along and bring it all back because despite your family being totally shit to you, as a child, you will still probably retain some good memories of the whole experience. It is only now (as you have said) where you are looking back with hindsight that everything is becoming clearer.

What you musn't do is see this as your fault - you are no less a worthy person because they choose not to see you. In fact, it makes them much less worthy because they refuse to sort it out.

Have you thought about some counselling? I usually diss that sort of stuff but I wonder whether you need some help to unjumble some of the feelings you are having. It is terrible and truly awful to feel abandoned by your own mother, no matter what age you are.

I don;t have this problem with my mum but to a lesser degree with my Dad and it hurts like hell that he seems to prefer to be without me in his life for no apparent reason.

I think you always feel bad about it but it does become a much less important part of your life and in that way becomes less hurtful. I really only get upset about my dickhead of a Dad about twice a year and at the moment as he will soon have a grandchild that he will not get to know. I feel sad for my child and yet I think it's better for my child to grow up with people who love and care for them and treat them well. Than to go through the confusion that my neices and nephews did or having a grandad who walked away and never looked back.

Rambling a bit there... but yes it gets better by being put into some kind of proportion to the rest of your life which grows as your contact with your mother diminishes. It will always hurt you but you should be helped by the knowledge that your mother is wierd not you - as evidenced by the fact that you seem to have ended up with the nice people that you respect taking your "side".

I wish you much luck.

Hi Pages

I can't speak form personal experience, but my very close friend decided to cut her mother out of her life last year. Some of the things my friends mum said to her at the height of the problems were vile. She got other members of the familiy involved too. It was very complicated but after a long time of her Mum causing great stress and anguish, after trying lots of different tacts to improve things which never worked, ,my friend cut her out.

She hasn't looked back and is much, much happier for it. She knows she has done the right thing for her and her DH and DS's. She cut allot of stress out of her life when she cut her mother out and it has improved her relationship with her father, who had been forced to the sidlelines by her mother with lots of lies etc. She has really got to know her father now and is generally very happy as a result of her decision.

My point is that there are others out there who have done what you have, which from all accounts was a sensible thing to do given your post. A bit of rowing and stress comes with the territory with families, unfortunatily, but if that side of things goes to far why would you want to subject yourself of your close ones to such stress and upset. I know this may sound a bit cheesey and naive, but families should support each other, that's their duty and what's the point of their presence in your life if they cause nothing but hurt and dredge up unpleasent & unresolved feelings.

There sound like there needs to be a change & your mum has to be the one to make changes. The ball is in her court, but for the mean time I personally think you have done the right thing.

x x x

Thanks so much, you have all really helped. It is exactly that feeling of abandonment that I feel, but I guess I have lived in fear of them abandoning me all my life so now it has actually happened (and it isn't that bad, really, now it has - it's just the odd moments like you say) there is nothing left to fear! The freedom that comes with that is also enourmous so I guess it is just the two sides of one coin. And yes, it is good to have a heart.

Also, I think one of the reasons that I was upset is that my mum has been texting my older brother who has just gone back to Oz and I was worried that she is trying to get him back into the family so that I am left out in the cold. I spoke to older brother in Oz this morning and told him my fears and he said no way will that happen, we are in this together and he couldn't have stood up to her without me. He hasn't responded to her yet but when he does he will repeat what I have said already.

I actually think I am going to enjoy Christmas for the first time this year because it has alwasy been stressful with them, the politics, etc before. Now I don't have to worry about pleasing them... and my family memories of these occasions really aren't that good.

I am having counselling btw, and it is really helping but also dragging up a lot of painful memories hence the needing of reassurance.

Thanks again!

PS It's not cheesy and naive to expect families to support each other. What are families for if not that?

well done Pages and how lovely that your brother is standing by you

hope you do get to enjoy the whole Xmas season

re the good memories thing - what I meant was that some of the good memories I have I now realise could hardly be seen as 'good' at all in a proper family environment, it's just that when you're under horrible stress and hating what's happening to you, you cling on to small things that you think are actually 'good'. It's only when you revisit these as an adult that you realise they were all totally shite!!

Pages - I was going to post on your old thread and ask how you were. Sorry you are still hurting. I have come to realise that we can't change anyone but ourselves. If your mother is going to change, it needs to be instigated and wnted by her. At the moment, she seems to prefer being the 'saintly' one in the eyes of all but your brother and you. It is very sad that others have not seen through the situation either. I can imagine how awful this must be for you and am so glad that my mother accepted her blame when confronted.

On the other hand, we have been speaking and she had, until yesterday, been making a huge effort to be different. Yesterday she practically ignored me when I dropped ds off with her and Dad. This was when my counsellor pointed out that change for her will be a long process and might have a few set backs along the way.

Anyway, enough of my drivel about me! I am so sorry that your mother cannot accept her part in this situation. I am also sorry that you are still hurting. This process is a kind of grief and you have to go through lots of stages before you come out of it; anger, loss, forgiveness. I have been through them all this summer and am still going through it. You will too, but you will come out of it the other side.

Of course a family is meant to be there for us through thick and thin, but I have come to realise that my chosen family (i.e. dh/ds) are the ones who really matter.

Keep posting x

I know what you mean about the memories Fox. I always thought they were mostly good until this happened - I just buried the nasty stuff which has now risen to the surface. And thanks Dior. It would be a bit odd to wake up a month after it happened suddenly not caring wouldn't it!! My mum like yours has a lot of facing up to herself to do (if she ever does) before she can face up to me. And if she doesn't I can't change her...

It's good that you are having counselling though I'm sure it is difficult, it will help in the long run.

Many people (myself included) sometimes feel stupid for agonising over these people who cause us such grief when they don't seem to agonise over us. But I always remind myslef that it is perfectly normal to feel sad and upset that I have a pillock for a father and to wish he were different and was the father I want rather than the one I've got (IYSWIM).

Most of the time I can think "his loss" but just occasionally I feel that it is my loss too. Perhaps I find it more difficult because I was always close to my father and it was a real shock when he left and even more of a shock when he didn't want anything much to do with me after 30 odd years of a normal relationship.

But as I said before it does gain a certain perspective and life has moved on and is normal and happy. Some people (like you) have to deal with shitty families all their lives, at least my dad has only been a donk for the last 10 years!

ScarySue - doesn't sound like it's about you but about him? Why did he suddenly leave? And was there a big showdown or was it more that he just hasn't bothered with you? It must be really hurtful after having been close.

It does get better, Pages. Honestly. You are bound to feel hurt. I think that by telling them what you did, part of you hoped they would say that they were sorry and try to make amends, but it didn't happen, and that is devestating.

Did I say (in the other threads) that I saw my mum the week we left the UK? We were both in a post office and she blanked me...she knew I was leavng the UK. So now any chance of her trying to put right what happened is non exsistent.

But in a way, that gave me closure. Yes, it was horrible, yes it made me hurt (even after 13yrs of not talking) but it made me realise what kind of person she was to let her yungest chld leave the country without even trying!

I guess what I am trying to get at is that it does get better, but in my case I have learnt to live with the hurt, it hasn't gone. I guess it's like a death in some ways. You never get over it, you just learn to live with it!

ALL of me wanted them to say they were sorry (or at least that they didn't think I was a liar who made up nasty stories about members of my family) and try and put things right, no two ways about it... and until this happened, had another member of my family been so upset and felt so badly treated that they were prepared to walk away from everyone who carried on thinking that about them, I know that I would have been prepared to stand up and be counted, to jump in to comfort them and reassure them, rather than lose my sister.

I am completely astounded that they think so little of me that they are prepared to let me go rather than say "Look, I don't understand what has happened but you are my sister/daughter and I don't think you are a liar". I guess me giving them an ultimatum like that would have forced them to actively stop being completely on my mum and SIL's side and I can hear my mum now telling them "Don't let her tell you what to do, let her go if that's what she wants, she needs us, she'll come crawling back"

Well, guess what? I won't! Had a really good session with my counsellor yesterday and came out feeling like I had my power back again. And whatsmore - I just don't miss them and all the crap that goes with being part of the so called family...

I decided I am not even going to send Xmas cards to them this year, simply because I don't feel like it. I initially started hearing their voices in my head, gossipping about me, badmouthing me for not even sending a card to brother and SIL's children (the SIL who said she never wanted to see me again anyway!), etc etc and I realised that I don't care what they think or say about me anymore. That feels so hugely liberating I can't tell you!!!!!

PS You did say about your mum, Haunted. And I think she sounds nuts if you want my honest opinion. Even if I saw my mum now by accident (which is unlikely), I am almost certain she wouldn't blank me. Not quite sure what she would do...

Hi
Have been hovering on this thread a while..
My husbans parents are, it seems, in the process of discommunicating us for such a trivial mistake.. any advise on turning things arround?
They dont particularly like me, (am not that bothered) but it is breaking husbands heart and almost breaking us appart too.

sorry to hikack thread!

Don't worry about hijacking... can you tell us any more?