Previously Violent F, DM thinks i am overreacting, am I?

[charliebandana]

My father was intermittently violent when I was a child. He would typically be in a bad mood for a few hours-days looking for things to annoy him, then snap when I did something a bit naughty/ annoying and chase me and hit me with his fists in an out of control way until DM pulled him off. It was general pummeling rather than hurting me anywhere in particular. I was always really terrified. My DM would intervene and pull him off, he allowed her to pull him away, although he is stronger than her, and to my knowledge he did not hurt her. He never stopped on his own accord. He would rarely be regretful afterwards (I remember one apology when I was older). He would be in a bad mood afterwards, sometimes for several days, and my DM would be trying to cheer him up and pander to him. I don't know how old I was when it started, but I think it stopped when I was at secondary school. I don't think I ever had any bruises or injuries from this, so I don't know whether he was trying to scare me rather than hurt me, or whether it was just that my DM pulled him off before he had much of a chance. However I do remember my DM saying on several occasions that she would not leave me in the house alone with him in case he lost control, and hearing this scared me as a child. I was also worried when friends came over that he might snap in front of them, he did get angry and shout in a scary uncontrolled way a few times, and after my DM dragged him away when he was shouting at a friend and I when we were about 9 she wasn't allowed to come to my house again.

When he was in a good mood he wasn't violent and was actually cheerful and jokey, so I don't think wider family knew about the violence. There was other non violent stuff that was damaging too, but I just wanted to get an opinion about this.

Do you think this was bad?
I keep wondering why I never got bruised or injured, and hearing a little voice in my head saying that maybe it wasn't actually that bad because I wasn't bruised, maybe I have exaggerated things in my memory, although I think that voice is wrong. This just doesn't really fit in with my understanding of how DV typically happens- I don't understand why he always let my DM pull him off even though he could have overcome her- he seemed out of control but he obviously stopped himself from hurting her (to my knowledge).

The reason I am thinking about this is that I am distancing myself from him now and my DM is minimising his behaviour and suggesting that I am making a fuss about stuff that happened so long ago.

I have started to feel an anger rising that I was subjected to this in childhood, and that I am expected to let it all go to avoid rocking their bloody boat. But I still feel a hesitation that perhaps I am over reacting.

You are right about him controlling her, different, he disliked her going out without him.
When I was a baby he would call her back as he didn't know how to look after me.
When I was a toddler he wouldn't stop me getting into danger and she would come home to me playing with dangerous items.
Then as a child he was violent so she wouldn't go out without me. When we went out together he was seemingly incapable of looking after himself and would make her feel guilty for going out eg 'I haven't done anything today because you weren't here, and all these jobs are urgent' so it seemed like her fault.

I have similar thoughts to your dh, back to work.

You are not overreacting.

Your father physically attacked you regularly as a child and your mother didn't protect you.

She is not blameless in allowing this to go on for so long.

Do not underestimate emotional abuse and abuse through children.

Women in abusive situations stay for many reasons, from lack of financial independence to protecting their children. It is possible she saw it as protecting you from him. Many abusive men do threaten the children, including of taking them away.
I'm not surprised that she minimises it. Hitting children was seen as legitimate not that long ago (and still is by many). She may not have known much better.

When talking neutrally, it would be without blaming her. Maybe look at resources to deal with women victims of domestic abuse.
As far as I can tell you were as much a victim as she was. Only she will know if she would have been really able to leave or not.

whether your mum was abused by your dad or not, she failed utterly to protect you from him and you are perfectly entitled to feel angry about that, and if it helps you, to express that to your mum.

However at this late stage in her life, she is highly unlikely to change her viewpoints now and admit that she failed you. So you have to decide if her constant minimization and belittling of your trauma, her disregard for your safety, are doing you sufficient mental harm for you to stop discussing it with her and perhaps withdraw emotionally from her.

Yes she may very well have ben controlled and abused emotionally by him. However she was an adult and had the resources to leave; you were a child and did not.

I empathise completely with your situation as it was a very similar dynamic for me growing up. Apparently "I couldn't leave you alone with your father as I was afraid he would seriously hurt you if I wasn't there" was a totally normal situation

a smack on the bottom or similar may have been seen as legitimate but the op is talking about being chased down and repeatedly beaten, my dh knew that wasn't commonplace even as a small child and the op's dm knew too, she was scared for her daughter's safety from this man.

Thanks for all the replies, and for sharing your personal stories.

As a child she told me she stayed for financial reasons. Also I think she looked down on people requiring benefits, she judged a friend's mum who had divorced (piecing things together now I suspect her dad had been abusive).

I do think she is a victim, in fact up until recently I probably viewed her as more of a victim than me!, because she is still there.

But her minimising everything, and still being with him, is frustrating. Actually for a long time I minimised it all myself. I dont know whether she can change her way of thinking now. Also if I won't play happy families anymore band she continues to minimise, what happens then?

The friends dad was abusive, not my mothers dad.

Wow, your mother really sounds like a peach.

She was part of your abuse - the performed pulling him off you was part of the abuse.

She wasn't protecting you, she was protecting her own ability to pretend that she was on your side.

She wasn't afraid of him, or she wouldn't have physically restrained him.

She knew she was safe and that you were the one in the firing line.

And she stayed because of her own standard of living and snobbery.

She is not the victim here.

I think it's really up to you and how you feel about it.

Can your mother bring anything positive in your life? Or is she another cause for anger apart from this issue?

I don't think it's just as black and white as other pps, but your anger at her part in it is also understandable.
If I was talking to her when you were little about it all, she would be told in no uncertain terms that she was being complicit in the abuse.
But when you are in the middle of it, it's much harder.

As a child she told me she stayed for financial reasons. Also I think she looked down on people requiring benefits, she judged a friend's mum who had divorced (piecing things together now I suspect her dad had been abusive).

Very similar to my mum. I have recently gone no-contact with her as I am so angry with her over not protecting me and furthermore for endangering my sister as well (there was also sexual abuse in my case) while making out she was the main victim. She was certainly the victim of EA but he never hit her like he did with us and she had plenty of family that we could have gone and stayed with. But that would have been embarrassing, apparently.

I went along with this viewpoint - that she was the victim - for years and it held back my healing SO MUCH.

I think you need to give some thought to what is best for your own mental health. It might be taking a break from contact will give you some space to do that.

Yy to the mother being part of the abuse, however that can come about for a few reasons, fear, manipulation etc.

Your dad is a creepy abusive shit. no amount of jokey times can make up for that crap.

A counsellor once told me,they abused you because they wanted to,they made a decision to do it. It's a choice, everytime.