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Original poster

Inlaws not speaking to us

13 replies

bellarosa · 24/10/2006 21:33

My husbands parents are not speaking to us and will have no contact with us & their 2 grandchildren. this has been going on since march 2005. It is all due to my FIL being unable to swallow his pride over my husband calling him a coward. They will not respond to phone calls, letters of appology, etc. We made a big effort to go and see them to try to make amends last wkend and they wouldnt let us in!
It all seems so totally rediculious to me, I come from a very open family who get it all out when something is bothering us, i dont understand this mentality. They wont even tell us what is wrong.
I am from oxford and hubby's family from yorkshire... there has always been a bit of a chip on the shoulder going on with FIL regarding what he thinks of as my 'posh' background. I am not sure if their not speaking to us is connected with me being of (as they see it) another class.
Has anyone else has difficulties with the North South Divide?!?!
Help! DH is getting very depressed about situation.

OP posts:

skippydog · 24/10/2006 21:38

I am Sottish - ex is English,his mother did not speak to me for 2 years cause she was told my roast potatoes were better than hers .Put me on a mission to improve my yorkie puds

indignatio · 24/10/2006 21:42

OK why did your dh call your FIL a coward ?

cat64 · 24/10/2006 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

bellarosa · 24/10/2006 22:00

well...
Dh called Fil a coward because he was forbidding dh's mother and brother from having any contact with us.
The reason for the 'forbidding': A few years ago we were having a bed made by by dad. Whilst at FIL's house we discussed theoretical bedmaking (fil has made one previously) . He then took it apon himself to design our bed (without asking us) and then produced the designs at a family meal with my father present, as stated that my father would be making the bed to his(fil's) designs! We were all very surprised as we had at no time asked him to design us the bed. I handled the situation badly, saying 'we never asked you' at which point he said we had and that we were lying.
The point is that i would never have asked FIL, as it was something my dad had prommised to make for me for yrs.
FIL has'nt had a very close relationship to my Dh for many yrs and I think he was trying to bond with him in some akward way by taking it apon himself to design our bed for us.
It all got very akward, and basically ever since then he hasnt spoken to us.

Very sorry for the rediculious rambled explanation!

OP posts:

cat64 · 24/10/2006 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumandlovingit · 29/10/2006 08:20

how are things going?

my dp is from yorkshire, so's his dad and his mum is originally from scotland.

his family bicker constantly, argue over stupid things,deliberatly get things for the kids that i dont want them having & see me as a snob as i wont have my house looking like a shithole 24/7 and pets eating from plates, litter tray infront of the cooker,pet hair over the wiping up etc!

normal things that most people hate to be honest but to them i know they think im a bit of a snob.

we've argued with them so many times and they've been nasty and pathetic to us so many times.we actually stopped having anything to do with them a couple of years ago as they wouldnt come over to our house to visit their grandkids i their car.they wanted me to walk them 3 miles and take them to theirs when they've got pets and the kids are allergic to them.

i know where you're coming from.after all this time i honestly wouldn't bother with them.they'll realise in time that its their loss.if the children asked about their grandparents before, i just told them that they were being silly (the grandparents) and when they weren't silly anymore they could come round.

they're seeing them at the moment but i'm not getting dp to talk to them yet again about bickering when they're here and actually paying the kids some atention instead of just turning our telly on and watching tv while the kids play.

personally i think they're being a bit childish.i wouldnt bother trying to contact them again.

Original poster

bellarosa · 08/11/2006 22:43

There's still no word from them, doesnt look like they really care about keeping the family together. Ah well, in a way i think we are probably better off with out people of such mentality in our lives... sad.. for dh, and the kids i suppose, though i dont think their general mental state/ way of dealing with emotions and conflicts is a very good example of human interaction, which i wouldnt want the children to whitness.
Gawd almighty!

OP posts:

Pennies · 08/11/2006 23:07

Lordy -seems that a lot is going to be lost over a miscommunicartion here. Surely this needs to be sorted rather than allow this stalemate to continue.

And IMHO it's not a totally irresolvable issue is it? It's only a BED?

bellarosa · 10/11/2006 19:02

This reply has been deleted

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octobermum · 10/11/2006 20:02

Bellarosa,

Unfortunley i don't think that there is anything you can do, you have tried every way of contacting them and they don't want to know.

I think you need to leave it and make you family happy and hope that they see sense at some point in future.

I would just send cards on birthday and christmas as you would anyone else perhaps include a dreaded round robin letters give all your family news.

Elasticwoman · 10/11/2006 20:21

bellarosa I am really sorry you have this distressing situation, which sounds like it's not your fault. I am really lucky with my in-laws who have always been generous and supportive towards us, but my cousin in USA had out-laws who came several hundred miles to visit when they had new baby, and then stormed off in a huff, got on plane and returned home just because the baby wasn't named after mil!!!

It turned out mil was starting with some kind of senile dementia. Could this be the case with your fil?

Elasticwoman · 10/11/2006 20:21

It turned out mil was starting with some kind of senile dementia. Could this be the case with your fil?

Original poster

bellarosa · 03/12/2006 20:41

Hi,
bumping this thread again as still in an emotional muddle as what to do.
It was a year yesterday that fil stopped talking to or seeing us.
DH is really depressed about it. tried to get DH to talk to a therapist but not gone yet...I think a mediator might be way forward but do you think many 65yr old traditional yorkshire men would go into family therapy with their son? hmmm...

OP posts:

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