Is this an after-effect of sexual assault?

[juneandjuly]

I've had a couple of not-great sexual experiences in my life. The first was with an ex who used to hurt me periodically (not very seriously - biting, grabbing, pinning down) and eventually had sex with me when I didn't want him to (although this wasn't violent). I wrote about it on the Relationships board and was advised that it was very serious and that I should leave. I did eventually (after a lot of mind games from him).

The second was with someone I had been getting on and flirting with for a while, we went back to his house for a drink one night and he became very pressurising about having sex. I tried to back out and change my mind, but he wouldn't really take no for an answer. At first I went along with it, but then I was shaking and asking if we could wait, but he just told me to relax as I was making him feel bad eventually I stopped stopping him and he had sex with me.

This was all several years ago, and I am now married and things are much better. But I've always felt like what happened has changed me, made me less confident, less able and clever (I know that doesn't make any sense). I very recently told my husband that I had had bad sexual experiences and he was understanding, although we haven't talked about it much.

Anyway, to the point, I now feel that I am quite a 'fragile' person. I work in a reasonably stressful job but whereas others seem to cope, it doesn't take much to push me, make me feel ill, tired, on high alert all the time. At work I jump if anyone comes into the room, and sometimes I just have to go into the loos and push myself right into the corner of the cubicle. This makes me feel safe. I stay there for about 10 mins then I come out and feel a bit better. I am finding it hard to get to sleep and stay asleep, and when I sleep I often have disturbing dreams about the things that happened, but with the 'bad guy' being people I know or work with. These dreams leave me with a horrible feeling, and because they are so vivid in a way it feels like they really did it.

I blow things out of proportion in my head and worry a lot about whether I am doing my job properly, whether I am being a proper wife and sometimes I wonder what my husband can possibly love about me. I feel like I am useless at everything - work, relationships, I don't have any talents. There is nothing I can say I'm good at. I secretly wonder why anyone bothers with me. I have split second moments where I get a feeling which I think is dissociation.

I feel like I might be going mad, might be about to throw everything away and I don't know what to do. I have had counselling before, maybe three or four times of about six sessions each. It has helped me get things straight a bit but hasn't stopped anything. Maybe something else like CBT or EMDR? Has anyone tried these?

It sounds as though you're left with anxiety and it's rolling around for you. How awful for you with the work situation .
Perhaps CBT could be useful as that is about understanding and ideally changing negative cycles of thought.

Wrote a long post but phone ate it..

Really feel for you. I'd suggest speaking to your gp about CBT or CAT (cognitive analytic therapy)

It sounds like you are suffering from a form of PTSD, which is actually quite common in survivors of abuse. The jumpiness,dreams, feelings of low worth are all symptoms. EMDR has been shown to be quite effective in these kinds of cases as it can help your brain to reprocess these traumatic memories. I don't think it's available on the NHS but if you can find a good practitioner near you I'd say it's definitely worth trying. You've been through a lot and you deserve the chance to heal from this and not let it keep on affecting your life. to you.

I'm really sorry to hear you're having problems.

For me, the best thing I ever did was to confide in my DH. He's been amazing and helped me to stay afloat for as long as I had. Last year I finally told my parents after my last melt down. MN has been both wonderful support and challenging too.

My problem itself differently to yours. My DH came with me to the doctors and I'm on the waiting list for counselling but it looks like it'll be more than 6 months after
I was referred by the time this starts so I don't know if it'll help.

When you did counselling, did you open up about what your problem was, or just get help to deal with the symptoms it's left you with?

It looks like you're struggling to trust anyone. I find that too. I'm a very open an honest person and friendly but I don't let people get too close as I struggle to trust my own judgement. Thank goodness for my DH and mum have dad have been good too but I know they feel hurt and blame themselves that I held my secret for so long.

Being on the waiting list is holding me together a bit, giving me hope that things will change for the better in future. I can't say if it'll be successful but I have hope.

I wish you all the best but really hope you can find somebody you can open up to and confide in too

I think both those situations you describe were rape. I'm sorry, and I'm not surprised if you've been left with psychological problems after the attacks. I would actually recommend that you contact Rape Crisis. They are specifically geared to provide help and advice - including recommending specialist counsellors - for rape victims. Rape is a terrible crime on the person and, being so traumatic, it can easily affect the whole person.

I also think it sounds likes Post Traumatic stress, which is quite common after rape, something like 50% of victims (hate that word, sorry) suffer from it I think. So a very normal reaction.

Do try calling Rape Crisis, it can be hard to get through but it is worth persevering until you do.

Yes, as PP have said this sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is a common after-effect of sexual violence (as well as other traumas.)

Good news is this is very treatable and CBT can be great for getting a hold of the immediate symptoms such as flashbacks and anxiety attacks.

I think you would also greatly benefit from seeing a counsellor who specializes in sexual trauma. You would probably want to go private as the NHS can only offer a limited number of sessions. Look up the BACP website and you'll be able to search for people nearby and see where their areas of experience are. Don't b afraid to "interview" several as well as it's important to gel properly with a counsellor and build up trust.

from the things you wrote in your OP and the words you used about both of the situations you were in, it seems like you are blaming yourself, for "not fighting hard enough" or "not being firm enough". Both of these men knew full well that you didn't want to have sex with them; they forced themselves on you. That is rape and it was not your fault in any way. Those two shits bear all the shame and blame for raping you. You deserve to get better and to live a happy life free of the symptoms that you are experiencing.

Thanks everyone. I have been wondering about PTSD. I feel like there is something chemically wrong. I am having time off work at the moment, but I feel on high alert all the time yet exhausted, but concentration is absolutely shot, feel like I'm functioning at half my normal level. It's scary. I get a lot of self-esteem from being able to do my job well so it's a big problem to me if I am useless at it. I am also not being great socially and worry that I'm alienating people. My husband is very caring, but has never had any experience of anything like this and I'm worried he'll get freaked about being married to a lunatic depressive victim.

What happens when you ring Rape Crisis? Will they counsel you over the phone right then and there? I'm not really sure what to say.

You can say as much or as little as you like. When I called I was given 40 mins to talk to a counsellor and I found it really helpful. There is no pressure to say anything at all if you feel you can't, they understand.

I think rape crisis can be very good but I suggested EMDR because of the symptoms you have described. They are very indicative of PTSD, which can exhibit long after the actual event/s. Counselling may be effective but because of the way trauma affects the brain, ie it is struggling to process a traumatic event and literally has no place to 'put' it, just talking about it MAY not be enough. Everyone is different and you need to find the approach that works for you. Give yourself every opportunity to find the method that works for you. I'm a survivor myself and I know how hard it is but there is help out there. X

Part of the problem is that I feel I'm just making excuses for myself. Maybe I'm just weak/lazy/crap at my job, not suffering from psychological problems. Maybe what happened wasn't that serious and I'm just being a drama queen about it.

June, well all I can say is that problems can be intertwined and it can take some unravelling to work out what is at the bottom of then. Just take one step at a time, that's all we can do. It's important to take the time to acknowledge what you have been through and try to heal from that. It's a huge thing and these things have a habit of leaking into other parts of our lives and creating problems there. Just tackle one thing and see how that affects your sense of self. Be kind to yourself, you're a valuable human being and you've been through a lot. Baby steps...

It's PTSD and I say that as some one who has been there re forced sex and had it. I had rape counselling which helped lots. I can't say I'll ever be 100 percent the same person again but much much better.