Please help.

[lookingforsunshine]

My DP and I have a baby together. I am off work looking after baby.

When there was just the two of us, I did the vast majority of the housework and cooking despite working full time. Sometimes, I could get him to do more but it wasn't easy. I ended up feeling like he was my child rather than DP. He agreed that he was being lazy but nothing changed. Not helped by fact that his family don't believe men should have to do anything in house.
DP is brilliant with baby and does his share of night feeds, changing nappies etc. He is absolutely lovely with baby.
I've managed to get him to do 3 jobs round the house, largely without me having to remind him (clothes washing, dishes, sorting rubbish).
I do literally everything else including, sorting our finances, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, 'admin'...everything. I wrote a list of almost 100 things I'm responsible for. Admittedly most of these aren't daily jobs.
DP now says I should be doing most of housework and cooking etc because I'm at home all day. Although this is true I have a little baby to care for. I guess I'm angry because he didn't do the work previously and doesn't do much at all when he's off/ at weekends. I don't think it should be 50/50 after all I am off (though working about 1 day a week) but I think he should do more.
How do other couples split housework and cooking where one partner is working 9-5 job and the other is caring for a demanding baby (additional needs) with little bit of paid work? Thanks for any ideas.

We just kind of mucked in I would make dinner and he would clear up, bathtime was a bit of a joint effort and then he would do last feed At weekends we would take it in turns to have a long lie, I would make sure that he had a bit of time to himself and he would do the same for me

Im not saying that we never argued about it, as a new baby changes everything and it takes while to get into a routine

However I have to say it doesn't sound as if your dp ever did very much

I did what I could during the day. When DO got home he was more than ready to spend time with the little one(s) and would send me upstairs for a bath or a nap. Later in the evening we'd split the remaining chores before going to bed (at about 9!).

Tell him ur calling in his debt and taking a back-seat now. How many years does he have to make up for? Then take up a new hobby. Something messy.

If he is reluctant to do his share then you need to make the things that are "his jobs" things that don't bother you if they don't get done.

For example, only iron your own clothes, don't hold yourself responsible for remembering "his" family birthdays, and designate three nights a week when he cooks dinner.

As I had far more leisure time than DH I did all the chores during the day when he was at work. In the evening our time with our baby was leisure time. I'd clear up from dinners the next day so we both got to relax

Obviously there were times when I had crap days (or weeks) and DH would do whatever I asked. Best that way as then he'd do whatever may the most difference to me rather than faffing with unimportant stuff.

Thanks everyone. He says that part of the problem is that 'I'm so efficient, it makes sense for me to do the jobs!!

CitySnicker :-). I wish-the trouble is, he just wouldn't do it.
Littleleftie-DP likes living in a clean, tidy house but if I wasn't there he would just live in a mess. (When I met him his house was a state).
He has always claimed he doesn't notice the mess but recently we have visited friends, he commented afterwards that their piano top was dusty and that he was surprised, they are usually so 'perfect'. I saw the piano, it was just slightly dusty.

He says after a busy day in a stressful job, he needs time to rest not work.
It's true his job is stressful. I go out one evening a week to see friends while he looks after baby. I have no problem him doing the same.

Is it reasoanble that I have a cooked meal waiting when he gets home but then he washes up and does an hour of housework (weekdays)? Or is that too much to ask? I don't know what I should be expecting of him.

As I've said he does his bit with baby including doing baths most nights.
What should I expect of him? He works 5 days a week and gets home about 6?

I'll tell you our situation and split but this just happens to be what works best for us and it's something we've had to adjust over the years as circumstances have changed.

I work 37.5 hrs a week ish, DH works 12hrs ish, my hours vary up and down a bit, DH does a few extra hours if I'm working less. We have a teenager and a 2yr old.

DH does 90% of the housework, I do 90% of the admin - this plays to our strengths. Generally if there are little jobs to do, tidying up after DS etc then whoever is about will do them to keep on top of it. Whoever is at home does the childcare, if we're both in then it's a pretty fair split. Cooking is split pretty evenly but I always do the shopping.

When I was on mat leave with DS, DH worked more hours, I did a bigger share of housework but mostly when DH was at home, when I was on my own with DS my primary job was looking after DS. DH job was work, my job was DS care. If I had time to get housework done that was great, if I didn't then tough luck - no one died - we both pitched in to get it done when we could. To be honest the same is still true. If I get in from work and DS has spent the day throwing tantrums or DH has been out in the park with him all day and no one's done the washing up it's just not the end of the world and we'll do it later.

It sounds like your DH has never really done his fair share. It must be very frustrating for you. Did you show him the list you made? What was his response?

I should add that baby has medical issues so I have a lot of hospital appointments to attend. Baby has a medical appointment several times a week plus I have to look after health needs which take significantly more time than you would expect with many babies
Thanks everyone.

This is what I believe, but this is me:
When a parent is home in the day it should be their responsibiliy to do the housework aswell as caring for their children. Any duties that are required in the evening and weekends when other half is home should be shared.

An hour every night seems a lot if you are matching it. I'm lazy tho.

Yes, I've shown him my list. He was very sincere and full of praise for me!! 'I realise how lucky I am to be with you, thanks!'.

I told him that I don't want praise just for him to do his bit.

I think I'm feeling particularly annoyed because he has been off work for the last few weeks on annual leave and I'm still supposed to do everything.
He is not very good at doing jobs ad hoc-better having set times or jobs. Maybe I could ask him to do 2 hours housework at some point over weekend plus dishes/ washing every night? Does that seem reasonable?

Please get him (and you) to read Wifework by Susan Maushart.

Why does he get leisure when he gets in from work, while you get no leisure from looking after the baby all day?

How much leisure time do you get and how much leisure time does he get? If you get the same, then the balance is about right.

(Childcare is not leisure. Domestic labour is not leisure. Just to be clear)

2 hours at a weekend and ticking over week night jobs (included baby admin) sounds fair to me.

Thanks AskBasil, I will. Every night he takes baby from me pretty much as he walks in (so he isn't having leisure time then). Baby usually pretty upset at this time so needs extra cuddles.

I go out once a week every week but never any other time (without baby). I see same friends every week. He probably sees friends as much as I do.

When he goes out, I spend time cleaning, tidying, preparing meals.
When I go out he spends time watching DVDs and ordering takeaways.
I don't expect him to work every hour he is home just sometimes.
He has a few jobs he always does (as I mentioned earlier) although I barely mention them, I think me being around helps.

When I'm not around, he does nothing.

Regarding the way he cares for baby, time he puts in, I have no complaints. He does do what is needed (though much of evening stuff just involves cuddles, feeding...nice stuff). Baby goes to sleep at 7. He won't put babies stuff away, empty bath water...even basic stuff.

I find things easier now than I did before baby. At least he does such an awesome job with baby. I was brought up to work hard. I expect teenagers to have a few set jobs to do (with some incentive) (ie washing dishes, ironing). I don't think DP does much more than I'd expect from a teenager (not including baby stuff). I worry he won't be best role model.

What do you mean he won't pour the bath water way? Does he just refuse and expect you to do it? The mind boggles.

Do you both have equal leisure time? That's probably a more useful question than who does how much housework.

I worry he won't be best role model

But you knew this before you had a baby with him.

No, he doesn't refuse, just never does it. I do ask and he just says that he will do it next time, then never does. I've told him it takes 3 seconds to do-its not a job!! I'm talking about bath water from babies bath not his. He takes baby out, then takes baby through to our room to get changed...doesn't go back in bathroom.

It depends what you class as leisure time. We have equal time when we go out with friends.

When I'm caring for baby I manage to tidy up as I go along and do some housework. E.g. put baby in rocker in kitchen as I cook and chat to them, I put baby on floor of room I'm cleaning.

DP never does ANYTHING when he is responsible for baby other than meet babies needs (which is obviously important). If baby sleeps, he will just watch television or a DVD (whilst I never stop. I only sit down, watch a bit of television when I feed baby).

Vivacia-true.

I don't mean just nights out - I mean slobbing out in front of the tv, surfing on the net, reading a book, lazing in the bath.

Well, it's not unusual that he slobs in front of the tv with baby whilst I rarely do that (only when feeding him, if I'm ill or had little or no sleep previous night).

I probably have a proper bath and relaxation time once a fortnight.
He's more than happy to watch baby while I relax-just won't do anything productive (apart from meeting baby needs-as I say, this is important) in this time.

So, he has much more free time than me.

I've just got DP to read this post, thought might be useful.
Initially he got really upset when at idea that I used to do all the cooking. He was adament it was equal. I challenged him to tell me meals he used to cook. All he could think of was pasta so he eventually realised he wasn't ever cooking 3 nights a week. I do honestly think that in his head he thought he was.
Think he has taken some of stuff on board. He was shocked by bath water bit...think seeing this in black and white might just make a difference.

You never know.

He has suggested he has a bigger job list and will give himself a forfeit if they aren't done. I'll let you know how we get on...

Thanks everyone for ideas.

Going to get him to read this again in a few days, so anyone wants to add anything, thanks in advance.

No thanks, I feel a bit "used" to be honest.

Have you worked out how much genuine free time each of you has?

That means free time where you do only stuff for yourself without the baby. When the baby is there, it's childcare.

Most research shows that men have at least 15 hours per week more leisure time than women, because they do not do their fair share of domestic labour or childcare.

Tricky..I am on mat leave and I tend to do everything because I do it as I go along. The house neds a good tidying and things chucked away but that's for when the baby is older. So I make sure the living areas are reasonable each day. Then I hoover upstairs etc on the weekends when dh is looking after the baby. The bathrooms we kind of clean as we go. We have lowered our standards in that no ironing gets done now. The added bonus of this is that washing can be put away immediately. It is difficult, with or without kids, when you have different standards of cleanliness. Dh is a horder, as is our dd. Hope the baby turns out to be a neat freak!

I'm always totally confused as to how anyone gets any housework done whilst looking after a baby / toddler. My DH does everything except cooking and shopping (we have a weekly cleaner though so floor mopping etc is left to her). DH is happy with this arrangement btw...

I do try to tidy as I go but for me a baby / toddler will nearly always demand my attention so the dishes etc remain largely unwashed. Maybe it depends on the extent to which your child is happy playing by themselves??