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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't let it go

52 replies

oval · 24/10/2006 20:45

About 3 years ago I was on the phone to my mum who was telling me all about my little sisters latest behaviour problems, her refusing to go to school, her acting up and one which shocked me...making up sick stories.

I asked what she meant about "making up sick stories" and she said "she tried telling us that *** had sexually abused her!".

This made me go cold, the man my sister had tried to tell people was abusing her HAD done it to me as a child so instantly, I believed her.

My mum said "what's wrong?" and I told her everything and told her that my sister was probably telling the truth.

I was devestated, maybe if I had been brave enough to say something he wouldnt have had the opportunity to do it to her? anyway the damage had been done, my mum was obviously very upset and said she would speak to her hubby when he got in from work.

She did, she told him what I had said and that it looked like their DD was telling the truth (she was 10 btw). He turned around and said that they couldnt do much without proof. My mum said she wanted to tell my grandmother (the man is her husband) but due to her ill state of health she didnt want to put the extra pressure on and upset her. It was decided that they would "leave it" .

Anyway, me, my mum, my sister and my 2 children had a holiday booked, a week away in a caravan that my mum owned. It had been booked for some time and we were all looking foward to it. One day my mum phones me and says "I dont know how to tell you this....but grandma has decided that her and *** will come up and stay with us for a few days when he go away".

I was livid, I told her that there was no way in hell that my children would be staying in a caravan...or ANYWHERE whilst he was there. My mum said I would spoil the whole trip if I didnt go. I told her if he went, I didn't. She said I was putting her in an impossible situation as she didnt want to upset my grandma but it was perfectly bloody ok to put my kids in danger? I asked her if she believed me about what I had said, she said she did but she was scared of upsetting my grandma. I told her that even if I did agree to go my DH would never in a million years allow the kids to as he knew all about . Well, she said..."just lie to him, tell him isnt going..." . How the hell would I have reacted if DH had done that to me? took the kids away behind my back knowing that they would be staying with a bloody paedophile?

In the end, as it happened *** decided not to go so all went ahead as normal. I was so annoyed over it though that after 3 days I lost it and had a massive row with my mother and ended up phoning DH to come and pick me up, 2 upset children and a ruined holiday.

Anyway, we made up in the end but she still doesnt see what she did wrong, this is 3 years ago and I just can't get over it. What has shocked me further is that they allowed my sister to go and stay at my grandmas house overnight last year so they could have a night out! .

We're all on friendly terms now but I can't get this out of my head, she treats it like a big joke...for instance we were on about a trip to london and my mum said "yeah, we'll take *** and you can go on the london eye with him!" for a 'laugh'... who the hell would joke about their kids being sexually abused?

OP posts:
tiredemma · 25/10/2006 15:37

I know Raggy- Im willing someone here to do something.

theUrbanDryad · 25/10/2006 15:37

yeah, cause that would REALLY help.

oval, thinking of you. you know what you have to do. you also (i hope) know that you are not alone. your DP sounds lovely, and MN is good for anonymous support. there are specialist police officers to deal with this sort of thing. there is counselling available for you and for your sister.

may i just ask how old you are? you said you and your sister were of similar age?

tiredemma · 25/10/2006 15:40

well excuse me, sorry if the thought of a young girl being knowingly abused upsets me.

fgs.

Raggydoll · 25/10/2006 15:40

of course it would help - would help a lot more than just ignoring it for 3 years. please oval - i'm begging you - tell the police about your grandad/stepgrandad

Blu · 25/10/2006 15:42

I think the sister is now 13 - was 10 when all this came to light 3 years ago.

Oval, are you here?

theUrbanDryad · 25/10/2006 15:43

i just don't think getting accusatory is going to help. and attempting to harry oval into going to the police isn't going to help either.

she knows what she has to do. i hope she feels strong enough to do it, and i hope that the support she receives from MN helps her to do it.

foxinsocks · 25/10/2006 15:45

you can't force someone to do this

she's got to go at her own pace - she might be having terrible difficulties dealing with what is going on

of course the logical action is to call the police but she needs to come to that decision herself

tiredemma · 25/10/2006 15:45

This is the thing that makes me 'laugh' about mnet - someone posts about someone being abused by someone - and if we suggest- God help us- the Police, it sort of gets knocked back.

If someone was to post on here and say ' my dp/dh is abusing.......'

we would all jump up and rant "get rid of him- tell the police blah blah blah"

you cant win can you, better off just keeping all of our traps shut.

foxinsocks · 25/10/2006 15:48

nobody is knocking anyone

but it can take some time to overcome the guilt of keeping something like this a secret (and remember, this is not exactly an uncommon occurrence)

making someone feel worse for not calling the police isn't really going to help them get over that guilt unfortunately

snowleopard · 25/10/2006 15:50

I was sexually abused by a family "friend" when I was 12. He didn't live nearby at all, it was when he came to stay. I told my mum... she was nice to me about it and hugged me etc., and she believed me - but - the same man was invited to stay again - and again. My mum reckoned after a couple of years it would be OK - I would have put it all behind me - she said something like "Oh but that was ages ago now". Oh and I have two younger sisters!

Adults not taking sexual abuse seriously - especially women, I think, oddly - is quite common I fear.

Oval, don't let it go. Make one hell of a fuss - show your sister that someone cares, and as for your grandma, it's time the truth was rubbed in her face, then your mum can stop acting as if "nit upsetting grandma" has got anything to do with anything.

So for you.

Raggydoll · 25/10/2006 15:50

you're probably right urbandryad. but there is no-one i would not report in a split second if i found out my sister had been abused.

and i hate feeling so helpless.

theUrbanDryad · 25/10/2006 15:50

i never said don't call the police. i just don't want oval feeling bullied into doing something that is SO HARD. it is a horrible horrible situation. as foxinsocks says, you can't force someone to do this. oval has to come to this decision on her own. but i know that there is support on here, and i hope she knows that.

let us know how it goes oval. thinking of you.

alismummy · 25/10/2006 16:01

Social service remove children from families where they are being abused, regardless of the 'feelings' of other members of the family. At some point action needs to be taken. Some people do respond to tough talking at times of crisis, me being one of them. My heart goes out to you oval for the loss of your childhood, and I really think you need counselling too, but 3 years is a long time to be 'thinking' about what to do.

You are only as sick as your secrets. Perhaps you are scared of changing the family dynamics, but believe me if you do tell the truth your life will be BETTER not worse. Take it from one who knows.

cowmad · 25/10/2006 16:12

Be carefull every one on what you post on subjects like these...despite what you all think this is a traceable area,I know because I asked the Police
BUT....
it is also worth saying that a person would have to report a complaint to the police, produce evidence (print ofs of this site and subject of complainees area of concern)
and then after consideration by themselves the police would decide if to investigate...

Im sure this is a rare thing,on the internet nothing is "safe"

but I warn you doubly,and this is the 2nd area

I posted some comments/opinions some weeks ago about a subject
"my dp hit my dd"
I have been villefied and slated ever since because I wanted to report this to ss and the police.
I feel very strongly about this subject matter for personal reasons(no it wasnt me) so I did express some contraversial thing
I also spammed to try to pursuade the original poster to "dob"him in herself...
there were some other posters that were verhemently against me and my opinions,so I admit I remembered them and some weeks later would post against them in other issues
lots of threads were started against me (look for them)

The name calling and bullying were terrible,the WORST names were used several times by really "classy chicks"and long time posters here on MN
then COD changed her name to cowCOD looked like cowmad(mine)and another one cowmUd....getit?
and the stupid other posters got their beer/wine goggles on an couldnt tell the difference....so there it is people
adivce given

now back to the original poster....

Blu · 25/10/2006 16:21

People need support and encouragment to do things, not being told by other people in a way that might feel like being harangued and blamed.

Especially when they themselves are the subject of that abuse.

Oval - you may like to search 'DelicateMatter' who is a MN poster who has been dealing with the reporting of childhood abuse some years after the event, and how they have been sensitively treated by the police.

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2006 16:51

Cowmad, you would pop onto threads randomly and be rude and horrible to people. Yes, sometimes people are vitriolic on here, but people really don't generally "carry over" fights from one thread to another ...

Tutter · 25/10/2006 16:52

lol at classy chicks

actually it was cowmod iirc

SamhainWitch · 25/10/2006 16:53

Not worth it NQC. Ignore and it will go away.

Tutter · 25/10/2006 17:02

((apols oval, hadn't read thread - or even title - will leave it now))

BATtymumma · 25/10/2006 17:10

OVAL it is of no surprise that your cannot let this go.

If i were you i would have removed my sister from her care as soon as she told me that she wpuld do nothing about the abuse.

Im sorry but if you decide not to go to the police that is your choice as an adult, your sister was 10 years odl and went to the only person she could...her parents. i cannot imagine for a second what it must have felt like for your poor sister ot be told she was "sick" for making these things up.

i am incredibly angry with your mum and quite frankly cannot beleive how selfish she has been. i couldnt care less if your gran is ill, this man needs to be bought to justice and the world needs to know about his evilness.

Cowmad - go away. i was one of those posters you chased arouind boards with your pathetic ramblings. you talk out of your arse and no one needs to hear it, particularly on a thread as sensetive as this one.

Nicola63 · 25/10/2006 17:43

Oval, if you feel unable to go to the police directly, you have other choices. You can contact Social Services. Or the NSPCC. Either one will be able to advise you on the next steps. But one thing you really cannot do is leave this. Please.

tiredemma · 25/10/2006 18:07

If Oval decides that its too much for her personally to discuss her issue with her grandfather with the police then that is her choice...

..but as an adult she surely has a duty of care to her younger sister and this should be reported. Im not talking crap here, and im not trying to force Oval into something that she feels uncomfortable with- what is happening to her younger sister is wrong, it needs to be dealth with.

Her mother needs stringing up and left out for the crows.

Blu · 25/10/2006 18:32

tiredemma - every single person on this thread has encouraged Oval to seek help from the police.

Oval - are you here?

witchscatsmother · 25/10/2006 18:43

I have to admit that when I posted before I too was wondering why Oval had left this for 3 years ...... but was too much of a coward to ask her this.

What's been posted since has shown me I was wrong not to be more explicit in my opinions. Her sister is still, at 13, a child who needs a responsible, caring adult to look out for her and Oval, it's your duty to set the ball rolling NOW. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this particular post and wondering what more that poor young girl (and maybe other children) has had to endure in the last 3 years since she plucked up the courage to confide in the one person who should have believed her and protected her.

Oval ..... please, please report this to the Police and Social Services.

cowmad · 25/10/2006 20:15

bump for the evening crowd