I can't enjoy my life and emotionally hurt myself intentionally - why?

[embarassedheregoes]

I have a better than average job, a healthy income great family and friends and a good DP. We have been together 3.5 years. No DC. Not married, late twenties. Essentially, I have nothing to be unhappy about.

But I just can't let myself be happy. I have had this problem since the age of about 7. When something positive is about to happen, I hurt myself. Not physically, but emotionally. I will tell my DP that I can't cope, and that I want to end things with him (I 100% do not), I will throw expensive make up away because I don't feel I 'deserve' it, and I will cause arguemnts to ruin a day out that I have been looking forward to (look for somethingto worry about and latch onto it). I don't know why I do this.

Example - a holiday. I can't stand even talking about an upcoming holiday - it fills me with dread and nausea. But I love holidays. Right up until the point of it getting to a week or two weeks away, I will be hugely excited. As soon as it gets closer, I look for problems. The night before we leave I will seek out an argument with my DP. If it all blows up I will bask in it (NOT in a nice way, it feels painful and harful and out of control and scary - but like I deserve it, and I want to hurt myself more and more). If my DP reacts badly and storms out I will make it worse, despite actually WANTING to hold him and laugh with him and enjoy myself. It's like a full on battle with myself and like I am additcted to the pain of what I am doing.

Another example - Birthdays, Xmas etc. Any even that makes me feel excited, I will set out to ruin. I have tried thinking about the other people involved and saying to myself 'you're ruinging this for evryone else,' but it doesn't work. It's like I can't let myself be happy.

In contrast, other people's Bdays I adore, and will fully enjoy and engage with. In a crisis, I always seek out the positive way out, and will usually come up with a solution to make things better. I find this ironic, but also hugely frustrating. It's like I operate better when I am in a bad situation.

To sum up:

• I feel like I need to earn happiness
• I often feel guilty when doing nice things
• I feel suspicious if things go too well
• I look for the negatives and expect bad things to happen if things are 'too good'
• If things are really good I will cause arguemnts, I will make myself unhappy etc, to give myself the release from the fear that something bad will happen.

I am so embarassed to write the above and would do anything for any advice. I am so unhappy and would love nothing more than to book a holiday with my DP and have every condfience that things would be amazing, and not out him through the standard stress that I feel I need to go through to 'earn' a good time.

It's like a mix of guilt, suspicion, fear and habit all rolled into one. Please be kind - I am so scared to post this.

Thank you.

It sounds like self sabotage. Why do you feel you don't deserve to be happy?

What happened when you were 7?

I don't know. Growing up I had really supportive parents in every single way. I remember from a young age my mum used to reward me very strongly with academic success/success at school, and for a long time, I related any happiness with my performance in terms of schooling. If I did badly, I punished myself, and if I did well, I enjoyed myself. Obviously that was a long time ago and I don't do that anymore - I feel I am quite balanced with my job now and although it is hard work, it isn't everythign to me and I don't measure my success or worth through it.

When I was seven that is my first distinct memory of feeling under pressue with school. So much pressue that I used to cry if I got one spelling wrong out of ten and I would feel sick etc. That is also the earliest time I remember having this 'happiness bar' where I measured my worth. I dont know if it is related to how I am no w- I guess not seeing as I know that what I used to do was silly and I don't do it anymore.

You said its like a habit. What happens when you try to break it?

Do you feel you deserve your DP?

If I try and stop it, then I feel sick and anxious and as if I am opening the doors for negativity and bad things to happen.

Sound sso silly but it's the best way I can explain it. By causing myself unhappiness it's like I am in control of the unhappiness and no more can appear withotu warning, I guess.

It sounds like an anxiety disorder. There is a good website Anxiety UK. Have a look at it.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about these feelings before?

I could have written this myself. Mine I know is down to a past event that I'm on the waiting list to get help for.

I'm trying to make up for something I never can by trying to be the best I can be for the world, but also self sabotage to punish myself.

Yes I have, I had CBT. I was told then that it was associated to worrying, and that I had a 'good insight' into what I needed to do to chnage it. But I still cant seem to.

I just feel so jealous of people who have no fear in their lives of this sort. Updating a FB status for a countdown to a happy event is like the ultimate sin to me..that would 100% in my mind mean it would all go tits up. I just feel scared all the time. I have found that a little bit of alcohol takes the endge of and really helps (not that I think this is the way to go...!), but the fact that it makes me feel I am allowed to be happy would perhap sindictae that it is anxiety based..?

Joysmum it's horrible isn't it? I always feel liek there's a tit for tat style thign going on in my mind where I can't just enjoy myself and live it.

I hope you manage to get help soon and feel better x

I'm sure a psychiatrist would find your case fascinating. To me it almost sounds like a phobia reaction. Everyone has wobbles about upcoming events, please be assured of that. A lot of people worry, when things are going well, that it could all be snatched away. However, that's usually where it ends. The event goes OK, the plane to the holiday destination doesn't get cancelled, they're not sacked from the new job the first time they make a mistake.... collective sigh of relief. Your anxiety and especially your way of coping seems to have a broken thermostat. It keeps escalating. Hence me comparing it to a phobia.

I think you'd benefit from seeing your GP and being referred.

Please don't be embarrassed. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds like some kind of morbid anxiety disorder and a clinical psychologist may be able to help, or a psychiatrist, as Cog says.

It sounds like these thoughts, patterns/ behaviour and deeply entrenched, but you will be able to get help - and learn new ones - and live a much more positive life.

You have my deepest sympathies and I truly hope you get the help you need & deserve. xx

CBT can be helpful but this sounds like your subconscious won't let you think things through. That's why I think it's an anxiety disorder. I've been there OP.

You can get a quick referral through Anxiety UK if you have the funds to pay for a therapist.

This sounds a bit like OCD type behaviour, but instead of obsessively cleaning or flicking lights on and off etc, you are deliberately sabotaging the thing before something else comes along and destroys it.

It's a self fulfilling prophecy though. I feel badly for you, but I feel equally as awful for your partner. I was married to someone who ruined every event, caused terrible arguments and spoiled things for me. Would it help to try and see things through his eyes? What is his feeling about all of this?

My DP is understadning. When I get it under control I like to think I am good company... I am enthusiastic and always keen to ensure he has a good time. I just hate myself for these things that I do because they are so unncessary and I know that they are.

elizabeth I think it is anxiety and low self esteem. i'm not sure it is hormonal because I can remember feeling like this from a very, very young age.