Having counselling and not sure if it's wirking

[Frumpydumper]

We are having marriage counselling with an emphasis on our sex life. Briefly DH avoided sex for years abd years and id begged him to address it (and other contributory issues) but he did nothing. We have a young family (ivf) and things were worse than ever and he only agreed to some major changes (mostly health ones) when I called in the divorce lawyers.

We are seeing a counsellor. We've been 3 times and her plan seems to be to get us to tell "the Story of Our Marriage" and remind us of how good we were together at the start. We WERE good but the sex was always an issue which I naively thought would right itself.
She also reckons that our sexual difficulties were almost inevitable given some of the external pressures we've faced. But actually I think that's not true - if my husband had addressed these issues when I begged him to, we wouldn't be here now. His choosing to do absolutely nothing is as big an issue as not having sex in the first place!

What do we do? All the sessions seem to do is lift the lid on how fucking furious Ive been and how much I've had to suppress that. I come away ready to throttle him. DH hates it too cos he feels like he just has to sit there and watch me explode.

Is this right? She is the only counsellor around trained in sexual stuff. Please help!

Anyone?

Hi frumydumper - first off - don't panic if no-one responds for a while, lots of us are working [paid or otherwise!] and just haven't looked yet!

In respect of your counselling, sometimes it can bring things to the surface that hurt intensely, but have to be talked over. There is always more than 'just the sex' - usually something else going on that underlies the sex issue.

Only you can judge if it's doing you any good or not. It might be helpful to ask the counsellor for an 'end point' at which you all agree that you either stop altogether; or continue to a resolution.

I think that its good that you're working through your anger rather it being brushed under the carpet.

If it were me I would perceiver to be honest.

Sometimes the appropriate end result of counselling is to end the relationship. I only had two sessions with my H and then called it quits as it was blindingly obvious from what he said that he wasn't happy with how I'd changed and grown while in the marriage (becoming more confident and having more self-esteem). He needed me to be the quiet, anxious partner constantly looking for reassurance.

Sorry went off on a tangent but I think if you want to stay in the marriage then you should continue but possibly look for another counsellor. If the issue is more about his attitude rather than the sex itself then I wouldn't have thought having a counsellor who specialises would be as important as having one who you both feel is helping you in the right direction.

I do think that you do need a safe place to express your anger though. This may be uncomfrtable for your H now but surely there are also negative emotions he wants to express?

Do to you think it's normal that she is discussing things from the start and you are getting the opportunity to show your emotions in a controlled environment?

However, what is important is why your dh doesn't want sex? Has he had his testosterone levels checked and does he masturbate?

These are all important questions

Sometimes counselling highlights enough similarities, compatibilities and points of connection for the couple to realise there is something worth saving that is bigger than a few minor differences. The 'nostalgia' approach is designed to evoke that.

But sometimes it does the opposite. It can confirm or reveal that there are not enough points of connection, nothing to work with and that the incompatibilities are very serious and insurmountable.

Maybe your counsellor isn't very good. Like all professionals they vary in knowledge and expertise. Why not try another one and see if the outcome is better?

Sorry for pushing for replies! I've got the day off and forgot not everyone else does!

Wotchoot, the counsellor we won't need to decide whether to stay in our marriage or leave it, because the process itself will do that, and I've found that encouraging. So far all its done is piss us off so asking about an end point is a good idea.

Pocketsaviour we have each seen a different counsellor each, and DH is still seeing his. We live in a small and rather out of the way town so there really aren't that many. I just wondered was this the normal structure for marriage therapy - the assumption that it was all ok at the start and the counselling is just to remind the couple of that, and take them back there...

Why do you think the counsellor might be getting it wrong exactly? If you've already got to the stage where you've threatened divorce and if you say that the sexual incompatibility problem started relatively early on in the relationship, then it sounds like you've got a lot of pent up frustration.

A good counsellor won't offer fixes and they won't promise a particular outcome. A really good counsellor will encourage openness, facilitate communication and support you in finding your own solutions

Quitelikely he had performance anxiety, after several times that it didn't work our, so he started avoiding it. I suspected that he was having issues related to his health for years but he refused to see a doctor. Then he finally went, under immense pressure from me and he had v high blood pressure and diabetes. He's getting it all in hand and is healthier than he's bern for years, but what kills me is that he never faced this. He just would get defensive and then make excuses - he had a cold, he didn't like my hair short, he was too tired, he was too stressed etc like a constantly moving target. I tried everything but all the time he was thinking (and he's only recently admitted this) that he just couldn't face losing his erection again so he avoided it. The End.
He prioritised his fear of failure over my incredible frustration.
And he did it for years.

I don't think your counsellor is assuming it was all OK at the start. In most relationships, however, the beginning is when the attraction is generally strongest. If your trip down memory lane is making you realise that it was always a dead duck, I'd have thought that was a valid thing to acknowledge, even if it's uncomfortable

I think it's very uncomfortable to admit that we both got to mid 30s, wanted the same things and got married. No celestial choirs or thunderbolts and given that we'd both been around the block a bit, mediocre sex. I suppose we're both pinning a lot on this process working. My husband physically shakes and cries at the thought of us splitting up - for him it really is the end of his world, it makes him feel like life isn't worth living, suicidal even. Now he's sorted his health out he wants us to be intimate again. Before we started this process I would have been up for that, we haven't even slept in the same bed for years and I craced being near him. But now I'm consumed by fury and resentment and the thought of having him near me makes me want to hide. I'm so angry this went on for so long and I've got nowhere to put that.

So what does 'working' actually look like? Because, just from the pencil sketch you've given here, you seem to be on very different pages. He is desperate to cling onto the marriage at all costs, the process must be humiliating, and I'm not sure that's a particularly healthy foundation for a relationship going forward. You seem to think the counselling should somehow extinguish years of frustration, and that doesn't sound particularly realistic either

I think it is quite usual for a counsellor to start with the early days of the relationship and to remember what attracted you to each other in the first place.

I think in your case you are realising that there were issues there from the start. Surely you have to face up to that and explore the angry feelings you have about it. If you don't, I don't see how you can move on.

A counsellor's job is not to mend your marriage. You are discussing/thinking about/exploring the issues and your feelings. During the process you will have a clearer view of what you want from your marriage, how to improve things and whether or not it can work.

In my case, it clarified that my marriage was over.

That's a good question Cogito. For me it'd be either get us to a place where our marriage is "good enough" or a place where my husband can agree that we part amicably. For him it's "whatever it takes to make her stay."

Brandnewattitude I agree I have to face how I felt/feel. But then what? I feel like I'm taking the scab off and bleeding again. (Bit dramatic but you get the idea!)

You can't expect to just process the anger or release it in 3 sessions. Not years of it.

You have every right to be angry, every right to be furious for a good length of time.

Most people are rubbish with anger. They bury it or expect it to pass too quickly.

I encourage you to be a lot kinder to yourself and give yourself plenty of time (like 3 months as a starter instead of 3 sessions) to actually feel and accept your anger.

Once you actually allow yourself to be angry instead of criticising yourself in your head for still being angry I promise it gets easier to process.

There are other feelings too that will be covered by rage - like fear about his health, thoughts about all those things you thought over the years he was rejecting you.

Good luck

Thankyou Laurie. That's v comforting. Now my husband has sorted his testosterone out he keeps insisting that we are physically together, wanting us to sleep together etc. I think he thinks now that sex will "just happen" which makes me even more angry. He can't understand my rage any more than he got how frustrated I was.

That's why I think it's useful that you are able to express your anger. He has to realise how you feel and you have to be able to own all your feelings.

Yes it may mean that you decide that your marriage is over at the end of this process, but it is a useful process for you both. You can also be totally sure that you tried everything and gave it all you had.

I respect your bravery, because it is brave to continue in a process like this. It hurts now but I think in the long term you will feel the benefit, whether you decide to stay together or not.

My husband physically shakes and cries at the thought of us splitting up - for him it really is the end of his world, it makes him feel like life isn't worth living

And yet he couldn't take the simple step of seeing a doctor in order to make changes that would keep you happy in the relationship. This kind of reminds me of a very passive-aggressive head-in-the-sand ex of mine. I don't blame you for being angry. I'm only amazed you've held on to it for so long.

3 sessions in is very early days. These things take time, if done properly. Expressing your anger sounds like a positive step but if you feel it's not or you are unsure, talk about it in your session - it might be helpful.