My sex drive and my new boyfriend

[DoloresByDay]

I don't think I know what a normal sex life is like.

I've always had a higher sex drive than my partners. There have been two short term relationships where their drives matched mine but it was pretty much only based on sex.

My ExH was EA. He also developed a porn addiction. I was rejected for a long time and my "technique" also criticised, until I was too hurt and afraid to try to have sex anymore.

After we split, I had a 3 month fling with a man who I had the best sex I've ever had with but he turned out to not be very nice and it ended it in tears.

A year or so later, I've been seeing my new BF for six months. He's a very lovely man and I'm really attracted to him. But I'm worried about the sex.

The first few months of our relationship were fab, the sex was good and frequent. But he had a two month period at work that was incredibly stressful and he worked long hours, 15/16 hour days, six days a week. For a while we could only see each other once a week, mainly for a couple of hours. If one of us did stay over, he was too tired. We did it sometimes but I didn't want to force the issue as he was under a lot of pressure.

He left this job a week ago and is having a break before he starts a new, less demanding contract. He's spent the last week trying to catch up on sleep but is still run down.

We've spent the night together twice and not had sex. Last night there was kissing and I felt he had an erection but then he just stopped kissing.

I don't want to be too pushy. My ex wouldn't even kiss or cuddle incase I wanted to have sex with him. And I really like how tactile my new BF is. I wouldn't want to ruin that.

I'm afraid of rejection but I want him to try it on with me. In afraid of being in another relationship where I feel frustrated a lot of the time.

I'm trying to be understanding, maybe his drive will return when he feels rested? Maybe he doesn't fancy me much anymore?

Is six months too soon for the non stop sex to calm down? Or is it OK that it has settled down now?

I kind of want to talk to him about it but I don't want him to feel obliged to have sex with me

You sound as though you are understandably sensitive on this issue. If this relationship is going to 'have legs' then you must surely talk to him about it. If he is between contracts it seems like the ideal time??

I do think it has got legs and I feel like I could bring it up. I'm just afraid if I did that it might add pressure and he might feel like I expect all the time so the kissing cuddling might stop incase I misinterpreted it.

Being completely honest, I do have a high drive and if we do kiss and cuddle i do pretty much always want sex. I don't always shoe it tho

*show

If he's been working 90-hour (!) weeks for the last two months and only stopped last week, I think you have to expect some time for him to recover. You did say yourself he seems run down. I would give it a week or two for his libido to catch up with him!

talk to him. just talk.

I can see why you are sensitive, but honestly, he's just tired! Relax.

This from someone who also had an abusive Ex, who refused to allow me to initiate and would reject if I did, but not want to take no for an answer if he was the one initiating. I had technique criticised, told off for telling him that x/y or z hurt etc etc etc.

If you talk to your boyf, and tell him how you feel, how you do want him and want him to show you he wants you. You need to talk to him about your issues around rejection etc.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Hissy you seem to know exactly where I'm coming from.

I'm now torn between writing it off as him just being tired and leaving it to see what happens or talking to
Him.

I feel like I am able to talk to him, but I am just rubbish at finding the words when it comes to deep and meaningfuls. Especially if it means talking about my past. But I know if I leave it, it will get bigger in my head and I'll start acting odd. I just don't want to create a drama if there isn't one

The things that an abuser makes you do is second guess yourself, and panic.

One thing I learned from my recovery is not to panic. Let things play out and see where they go.

If you like this guy, and it seems you do, and if he likes you, and it seems he does, then just allow him the space he needs to recover his energy, but actually ask him if that's what he wants too! It may be that he's waiting for a signal from you.

Some men are notoriously challenged in the mind reading dept ;)

The conversation you need to have with him isn't deep and meaningful actually, it's a how are you feeling conversation, an I've missed you conversation.

You need to learn to trust and learn not to panic.