How do you actually go nc with your mother, how does it work

[blackandwhitepenguin]

What do you do about seeing your dad and siblings

Had problems with my mother since childhood really, then she was ok with me for a while even nice to me at time. The. As horrible to me again when my eldest was born, then nice for a while

Now the horrible side is returning so much so it's really affecting me and I don't really want contact

Put what about my dad and siblings

Any advice

Also do you actually announce your breaking contact or just keep away and not reply to messages etc
Need advice on how this actually works please

Do you really want no contact at all or do you want a very limited, controlled contact? What constitutes 'horrible'? When she is offensive do your father or siblings challenge her behaviour? Do you challenge her behaviour directly and assertively if it is bad?

well I already only see her when either dh or dad is there too never alone

she is the sort of person that is never wrong, and never admits things

she calls my third child my second because my second died shortly after being born, even though I've asked her 5 times to stop doing that, when I tell her to stop she gets denfensive and says well you know what I mean
as if i' the one in the wrong

when I was a child she used to tell me how much she hated me
and I was clean on the outside and dirty on the inside

hit me and pushed me around few times as a child/teen

chances conversation onto her all the time

talks over people

told me after having a 4th degree tear and being in pain, that women were tougher in her day

told me after my eldest was born that my dad never had any interest in me

she was actually ok with me as a young child, and intermittently can be nice
she can go through spells

where shes nice for a while than turns nasty

I'm not really sure how I could improve limited contact or controlled contact, can you give me anymore ideas about that?

I already don't tell her any personal stuff as ive learnt it will get used against me

The link below is a good one about going no contact:-

www.lightshouse.org/how-to-go-no-contact.html#axzz3Sa36SEfL

It may well be that your dad has also played a role in your dysfunctional family of origin dynamic by acting as the bystander who normally acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He may well have failed to protect you utterly from his wife's mad excesses of behaviours. It may also come to pass that your siblings may side with their parents here rather than you; they are more than happy for you also to be the scapegoat for your family of origin's inherent ills.

It may be a good idea for you to find a therapist to work with; you need to find someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

I would also suggest you post too on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages as their counsel could well be helpful to you as well.

Limited or controlled contact mostly involves a) distance and b) assertiveness. Doesn't work so well if people all live on top of each other and are popping in and out of each other's houses. Works far better if the contact is mostly by phone.

She's clearly offensive and self-absorbed and most of the horrible behaviour (if we discount the childhood physical stuff) is verbal. If you limit your contact to short phone-calls initiated by you and if you have a very clear idea of what conversation is acceptable and what isn't then you can, to a certain extent, 'manage' things. It's good that you don't share any personal information - stick to platitudes and remarks on the weather. Don't be afraid to cut conversations short if they stray into unwanted territory, don't extend invitations to visit or accept invitations the other way.

What you'll never get is an acknowledgment of fault or an apology of any kind. I also think you should work on the basis that she isn't going to change personality. Once you're clear about that, once your expectations are suitably low, it becomes a lot easier to detach.

You didn't say if your father and siblings support her behaviour or if they also find her offensive.

do you think people like this can ever change
because sometimes I actually think, when shes being nice, oh shes not that bad
or its me having too high expectations of others

does her behaviour sounds as bad to you as it seems to me

thanks for the links, i've looked at them, tbh, I'm wondering if going nc would actually just create aload of drama and stress I don't need with dad and siblings trying to get involved

dad hasn't witnessed a lot of thenasty stuff
although I did tell him what she said to me after my eldest was born and he told me it wasn't true
I also told him that she used to tell me how much she hated me, he didn't look shocked but he didn't say much, I told him that all the same day
all he said was he hopes I never think that, and its certainly not true
and that she must of really had it in for him that day[never really understood that comment really]

anyway as you can imagine it was a difficult conversation with my dad
as I was a new mum with about a 6 month old baby by then

I don't know if he said anything about that to her as it was never mentioned again

siblings wise theres is a favoured child that does no wrong

then theres another but more like me, seems to fall in and out

phone calls would really work as by the very nature phonecalls invole two people really and I only see her when dh or dad is there

I was advised today to go NC with my mother. I've no idea how to do it, we live extremely close (I can see her house from mine) and whilst there are boundaries in place we do have contact. Usually it's when she's ill and I feel obliged to phone her or I feel guilty for not having phoned her for a while. She only phones me when she wants something. However, without her the DCs would go without a lot as she pays school fees for them which are otherwise unaffordable.

You can go stealth NC.

I'm estranged from my mother, father and brother.

And I managed two extended periods of ...

Stealth NC with DH 1.0 's entire family.

Stealth NC lite with DH 2.0's mother.

I'm a NC ninja.

Stealth NC (lite to start) is where you don't say a damn thing about it.

Slowly slowly you miss more calls. Light and breezy texts for info questions.
Never rising to bait.

Slowly slowly you recycle work/DIY/busy/friend unplannable drama and crisis plus headaches/period pains (to break up the people shaped excuses)... as reasons for not being able to come over, so you end up going over less and less.

Plan meet ups with family members you do want to see in neutral locations. Some cunning timing can help to make sure it's just them. Get them used to meeting you alone, without making a thing out of it. Until it becomes normal.

It gives you a chance to try NC lite on for size. If you decide you want to keep it, it's not such a shock because contact is already decreased for all concerned. And you can "slowly slowly" create full Stealth NC with no big announcement if you take your time with it. If you discover that in smaller doses you can cope and want to keep a foot in the door, then you can stay with reduced time in their company.

Big announcement No Stealth NC can be a bit hardcore, and tricky to manage when the realtionships you want to keep start to revolve around discussions about the relationship you are trying to extract yourself from.

If you aren't sure what you want, which is perfectly normal, Stealth NC super-lite might at least buy you a little breathing space.

oh and...

Becuase nobody wants to be in a position where they even consider this. And I am so deeply sorry you are in a place where losing somebody (that you would much rather keep if they would make some changes) is something you feel you need to think about.

"Big announcement No Stealth NC can be a bit hardcore, and tricky to manage when the realtionships you want to keep start to revolve around discussions about the relationship you are trying to extract yourself from. "

yeah that's what I can imagine, dad and siblings all getting involved and feeling like they have to talk me out of it and take sides [obv hers,apart from poss ]

I think your idea would prob work better and be easier for me
sort of increase the distance there is already

I don't think I could do a big announcement type thing
but I do want less contact
well none really in a way
but v minimal

thanks for taking time to advise me. as I often wonder is it me? do I expect too much

It's not just you love.

There are a lot more people than you think who deal with estrangement or actively manage relationships to minimise contact.

It is very easy to get caught up in a "is it me ?, am I wierd ?" especially if you are NC with 3/4 of your nuclear family cycle of not knowing which way up you are.

But, if you reduce contact, and you find your spirits lifting... even if your reasons don't reach the bar of other people's limits, does it really matter ?

You only have one life. It is kind of worth doing what you can to make it as pleasant as possible.

FWIW your reasons don't look tiny molehill to massive mountain to me. And I think both I and you can trust your judgement in this matter.

thanks
going to try and take a break and reduce contact as much as possible
to a bare min

Everything everyone said but would add one more thing (I apologise if someone already said it and I missed it)

Do not give her any personal information. Work is fine, dh is fine, kids doing well. No no dramas everything is same old same old. No change. Doing well.

At the end of every question say something similar, do not go into any details about anything personal then change the subject.

'Dh is fine. How was ye weather your way?'

'Kids doing well at school. Did you see the new store on the high st?'

'Job doing well. Nothing to report. Have you read that new book by so and so? What do you think?'

Give no personal information and change subject to them. That really helps. You give them no insight into your life and there for no ammunition and they get to talk about their favourite subject.

This is only if you can't get out of seeing them. Caller id but no message bank. So you know not to answer the phone but there is no message you have to respond to.

You are out and you left your phone at home, battery keeps dying and yes you must get around to getting a new one at some point.

Great one i used is 'yes I can come for lunch at 12, but need to leave at 1:30 because of a previous engagement. Is that ok? Or we can rain check for another weekend. I will call when i am free.' Sometimes I went, it was short with a definate end time. And a lot of the time there was no previous engagement.

"do you think people like this can ever change "

I don't think personalities change very much over the course of a lifetime, no. Attitude might be influenced by experience and behaviour modified if there is adequate incentive but core personality is pretty fixed IMHO (and also according to a few studies down the years)

For that reason, one of my philosophies is to take people entirely on face value, 'warts and all' & be very clear what behaviour will and will not be tolerated.

When it comes to family.... and you'll know this if you have children..... you're often in a position where you love the person but dislike the behaviour. Like it or not, they are a special case. No-one ever suggests going NC with a stroppy teenager :) So if she's not that bad when she's nice, she's behaving acceptably. When she strays away from the acceptable, you bring the sword down and deal with it assertively. Rewards and consequences.

But no.... her personality is not going to change

Hi blackandwhite this sounds like my dm! Just before christmas she proclaimed she didn't ever want to see me again then changed her mind when she realised she has no family apart from my sister and would of had a very lonely christmas time. Also we were hosting xmas so yeah. Ever since we had that big argument i have backed off talking to her and found the more i am distant the more she calls me and hunts me down lol. Like she sends me text after text and i don't reply then its call after call and will finally reply but just cool and calm like nothings up. Basically now i just make it clear her behaviour doesn't get to me anymore. Its taken me 28 years to realise that her behaviour and the way she deals with well everything is odd and not normal. It was DH and his family that really made this clear to me. If you really want nc then just back off a bit by bit. Don't make it clear you want nc just fade contact slowly. the only reason I say this is because going all guns blazing making it clear you want nc will make the situation worst. Also i believe ppl don't ever change their core personality.

Thanks for the help
I already do the lack of personal information

Done that for years now

But I just need to stop letting it get to me, I've given chance after chance and. Now I just need to keep myself out of the firing line for my own well being

I will just have to pretend to be busy more often

I have a mother who has always been able to start a fight in an empty room, is tactless to the point of stupidity and can be damn mean when she wants to be. I stopped letting it get to me by mentally casting her in the role of the 'nutty old lady that shouts at pigeons in the park' and regarded her more with pity than anger.

And just in time too because she's now developed a rather paranoid and delusional form of dementia and, if I thought she was offensive before, she's off the scale now. I rather miss the old stuff :)

blackandwhitepenguin,

Re your comment:-

"dad hasn't witnessed a lot of thenasty stuff
although I did tell him what she said to me after my eldest was born and he told me it wasn't true
I also told him that she used to tell me how much she hated me, he didn't look shocked but he didn't say much, I told him that all the same day
all he said was he hopes I never think that, and its certainly not true
and that she must of really had it in for him that day[never really understood that comment really]"

Your dad has completely and utterly failed to protect you from his wife's mad excesses of behaviour. He is what is described as a bystander; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and that is his. He has acted here purely out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; he knows what went on and did not act. He's really her hatchet man who offered you up to protect his own sorry self.

I think ultimately that you may have to go NC with him as well if you want peace. No contact is precisely that; its not the occasional phone call to them.

And no such people do not change. If anything their behaviours become even more entrenched. It is NOT your fault though they are like this, you did not make them that way.