Maintaining a good relationship when life craps all over you

[LolaFerrarisleftboob]

Hello all

Just wondered if anyone wise had any good advice for your relationship surviving very shitty times.

Without going into touch detail our DS was born last year nearly died shortly after being born and has spent most of his life in hospital. It had been utterly shit and stressful and sad.

We are hopefully on the up now with ds. But I feel our relationship is very different. Dh is a good man. He is kind. But I don't think I am the same person. The life we had planned together is going to be very different from what we envisaged...

Had anyone been though something shit and managed to get the relationship back to being close. I just feel very different now, we are distant. Instead of bringing us closer all this has pushed us apart. I want things to be better. But we really only have energy to deal with ds now.

Didn't want your post to go unanswered. I think crises are what tests relationships and, sadly, if there's not a solid base, some find it hard to make it work when there has been some huge upheaval. I think those who do survive the storm are the ones who have a good foundation of love to begin with, who keep showing each other love and who keep communicating... even if it's not always what they want to hear.

I'm sorry your baby has been so unwell and I hope he is on the road to recovery. Your lives may have changed and your individual experiences & responses may have caused you to re-evaluate a few things. But if there's a solid core and you both want things to improve, you can find ways to bridge the distance.

We change all the time but it's true that traumatic experience touches us in different ways.
have you had time to talk to your DH about how you feel and share you thoughts with him?
I can only guess that you spent a lot of time apart and perhaps stopped communicating. May that be one of issues you are experiencing?

No advice but did want to say that I wish all three of you the best.

From experience...

Nurture one another whenever you feel able.
Get outside help if possible to give you a chunk of time as a couple.
Let everything that can be let go of go.
Allow one another to have bad days and tantrums without holding a grudge.

I think the key for us was to keep in mind that we were both broken and needed nurturing care; to be kind and to receive kindness.

I also think that there is an element of luck involved in whether you both experience the changes in a vaguely similar way and timeframe. It's hardest when you get out of synch, and then you may need to give one another more space until you are more in step again.

I wish you all the best. It's not easy by any means, but it's worth the extra thought and effort because having the person beside you who went through it with you all the way is such a very special thing.

Also speaking from experience, we've had a lot of bereavements during our fairly short marriage and in fact we're going through a particularly grim time at the moment with some more devastating news.

Its so easy to be exasperated with each other. So so easy.

Recently in the middle of me breaking to my DH the bad news his phone beeped with a work text, and he absently answered it whilst listening to me. Even though I could see he had barely registered what he was doing, I was aghast and went ballistic. He immediately sincerely apologised and I accepted it. I could, if I were so inclined, brood on it for months - "he answered a fucking text!" But it was a genuine automatic response and Lord knows I could have done the same.

So I suppose my attitude is that if I am treated with kindness and sympathy, I can forgive some human failings. And hope that he will forgive my human failings too in return. So I try to be kind and sympathetic to him also, cos its not just me going through it.

Totally understand. We had an awful thing happen to us last summer. We will never get over it. We will never be the same. I am so sad, I look at dh and am so sad that life shat on us so badly.
I hope in time you recover and the distance gets less. I know that is hard. I wish you all the best.

I think I would still be with exh if we hadn't suffered trauma involving our dc. Occasionally I think we should have stuck it out and maybe we could have got through the other side. But there was so much stress it led to anger and resentment then depression, all of which contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.

Sorry to not be more constructive. I suppose if I could advise anything I would say keep an eye on your emotional health, try to tackle things together and maintain some kind of social life so things don't get too overwhelming.

I don't know. We recently lost our baby (stillborn) and I have found just being affectionate whenever I can, letting my DH know I love him... And sex, it all helps. He understand when I'm down and is very tolerant. I listen, really listen, when he's stressed or down, and I don't make if about me, and he does the same.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through difficult times, and I hope you can recover your relationship.

My friend lost her Dd at 3 days old, I lost a twin during my 2nd trimester and the surviving twin was touch & go at the same time and something she said at that horrible time always stays with me. When we lose a baby or our children are life threateningly ill a part of us turns cold. It is a survival mechanism I suppose, like you have to down dial emotionally. It is no surprise that you are both different people now, my marriage failed because my H was so angry. Hers is still in tact because (I think, not 100% certain) she has railed against this emotional 'coldness' they seem really forgiving of each other. She let's him rant and be a bit moody & he let's her withdraw. They forgive each other for the negative aspects of their grief. I can't think how else to keep going really.

Flambola sorry to hear about your baby

I think the key thing is always complete openness and honesty in sharing feelings and thoughts.

Our most troubled times, when we've been furthest apart, is when we didn't fully communicate our feelings.

The reasons for this has been in an effort to protect the other, not wanting to hurt them or bring them down when we are hurt, or wanting to appear strong and be the rock for the other.

Not being fully open and honest but with the best intentions has actually been very detrimental to the relationship at times.

Its so easy to be exasperated with each other. So so easy.

God it is.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. So sorry for those who are also dealing with the fallout of horrible things. Why is life so shit and cruel eh. Flambola so sorry for your loss.

Just knowing others know what I mean has helped me, selfishly.

I need to take time to just be with dh have a laugh like we used to and enjoy our lives.

I am a bit off sex as I am terrified about falling pregnant again.

Being honest and open is another important point I think. When ds was born a Dr came to talk to us to tell us he was so ill, on vent, potentially brain damaged and features that indicated a syndrome. Dh is my rock but he broke down and said he wouldn't be able to cope. I remember telling him to man up and then calling my poor mum to pre warn her ds was so ill (she was excitedly buying a babygrow at this point). I think I need to remember that he is just as upset as me and ds is not just mine. For once I was the one keeping it together. We sort of take turns to fall apart.

Now ds is home I just hope life can get a little easier. I think we are both a bit traumatised. I am more anxious about the future that DH that's another issue. He is assuming till we know or unless the docs say otherwise ds will just be fine whereas I'm constantly searching google for a diagnosis. I'm terrified I am going to lose him.