Long time lurker/reader, first time poster.
I've been very, very stupid and I need advice on how on earth I get myself out of this situation.
Short version of our relationship - I met DH eight years ago, he swept me off my feet. My first real relationship, feel head over heels very quickly. He cheated on me from the start - with women he talked to online/exchanged naked pictures with, he arranged to meet up with them for sex when working away (although I don't think he followed through as all the texts/emails I read at the time showed he cancelled at the last minute). I forgave him, time and time again. I was insecure, inexperienced and didn't think I'd ever find anyone else to love me so desperately wanted things to work out for us.
We moved on, I found he'd been visiting escort websites. Again, I forgave him. And then I married him. (Yes, I'm an idiot. I know.)
Two kids later and I'm just done. I haven't looked at his phone or computer for a long time because, to be honest, every time I looked I found something and it just wasn't worth the pain. Ignorance was bliss. But I used his phone when we were out shopping to check the price of something and in his Google search history was a dating site. I confronted him, he denied it, claimed he was only looking. Ok, whatever, we've done this time and time again, I know the routine. I looked myself and knew you had to sign up to look at profiles so I told him that and then suddenly he's saying he signed up, looked, and then deleted the profile. Same old routine - I ask him, he lies, I tell him I know, he tells me (part of) the truth and cries, he makes me feel awful for upsetting him/not loving him/wanting to leave, says he'll die without me and I end up comforting him. He was working away for the last three weeks so I've had space and time to sort my head out and I've decided I'm done.
Now for the part where I was unbelievably stupid - Everything is in his name. When we met he owned a house and I was a student. Even after we were married it made sense to keep the house in his name just because we were able to get a better mortgage deal as I had no income. When we moved three years ago by that point I was a SAHM so again it just made sense to keep it in his name for the mortgage, and we were unable to add my name to the deeds because of that. Even "my" car is in his name. I own nothing.
How do I leave? I don't have a penny to my name. The only income I have is CB. I don't have access to DH's bank account. I live 300 miles from my family and I'd like to move back but without any money, how on earth do I do that? My parents can't help as they're unwell/retired/struggle to get by. I don't have any friends who are in a position to help me financially. Even if I were able to pack up whatever we could carry and get a train to my parents, we'd have no money for food.
Can I stay in the house? Can I ask him to leave? How do I cover the day to day running costs? How can I find somewhere to rent if I don't have money for a deposit or an income whilst I apply for benefits? Childcare costs prevent me from working at the moment as I wouldn't earn enough to even cover the childcare of 2 under 3.
I'm so scared. It's almost making me want to just stay. At least I know my husband is a lying, cheating arsehole. He provides very well for us - nice house, nice car, we're fed and clothed. He's an excellent dad and does his fair share of childcare and housework without being asked. Maybe that is enough? It's taken me a long, long time to find the confidence to even consider getting out of this but I have no idea if I have it in me to do it :(