DH doesn't want to have sex with me anymore

[ncpg53]

I've NC for this so as not to out myself.

Currently pregnant with first dc and due in just over 5 weeks. DH has always had a higher sex drive than me and for a very long part of our relationship due to depression I had very much gone off sex and had to make more of an effort to get in the mood. DH was really understanding about this and didn't complain.

Since I got pregnant my sex drive has increased massively and we have been enjoying a very active sex life which has been great for both of us.

I've had problems with sickness and sciatica through most of the pregnancy but this hasn't really stopped us and on occasions when I've been too sore for sex we've been intimate in other sexual ways. It's been a great way for me to still feel intimate and close with DH as we can't cuddle during the night like we normally would due to the amount of pillows I need in between us just to get a comfortable sleep he's also had to work alot doing overtime for extra cash to support my wage drop in maternity leave so I've been on my own alot and look forward to him coming back at night.

Two weeks ago whilst having sex he got a bit over excited and jumped in before I was ready which hurt a bit so I had to tell him to stop. It was nothing major and no damage was done I was just a bit sore and we carried on with other intimate activities.

I should point out this isn't thr first time sex has hurt through us getting carried away or me not being as ready as I thought but it's never been a big deal and hasn't happened while pregnant.

Since it hurt DH has point blank refused to engage in any sort of sexual activity with me. At first he would just reject any advance I made so I tried explaining how it was making me feel a bit upset and unwanted. He has now said it's because he doesn't want to hurt me during sex but I've told him why it hurt on that occasion and that of course I would always tell him to stop if it hurt and that it doesn't explain why he won't do anything sexually related at all with me. He has no answer to that and keeps repeating he doesn't want to hurt me.

I can't really understand it. It's not as though I was seriously hurt just a bit tender and I didn't make a big deal out of it. I've had a bump for months and he's been feeling baby for months so I don't see that being the issue. He won't discuss it further and just says sorry or he doesn't want to hurt me but I'm now feeling utterly rejected and very unwanted. I could maybe understand it if we hadn't been so active up until now and he didn't have a high sex drive.

I know I can't force him to be intimate with me or have sex with me and that my hormones are probably making it seem much more of an inflated situation than it is but it's actually rather upsetting me now especially not really knowing the reason why he won't touch me or let me touch him

You do know the reason because he told you.... he is worried about hurting you. Now that doesn't appear to be a rational fear, and he doesn't appear to be able to be persuaded otherwise but I don't think you're going to change his opinion or find out if there's something else behind it... e.g. the extra responsibility of impending parenthood can be a dampener.

Are you still close? Tactile? Do you behave in a loving manner towards each other? Have you discussed any worries you both have about being new parents?

I went through the same in my pregnancy. Dh said he was afraid of hurting me and baby. Maybe he felt baby move whilst in middle of it and it didn't feel right. My husband felt baby turning and it didn't feel right for him he had to stop.

Dh didn't want to have sex with me when I was massive. I think it was a variety of kind of inexplicable reasons.

I remember being very annoyed by it too!

Only 5 weeks to go now...I would just try and stay close in other ways...

You could try reassuring him that his penis isn't that big and is as likely to hurt the baby as you eating a sausage would.
perhaps taking him to the doctors next time and ask if there is anything physical you could do that would hurt the baby.

I have to admit feeling guilty during pregnancy as orgasams were so much better when my womb was bigger. It kept popping into my head that my unborn was the reason sex was so great and it did feel a bit bad. Hopefully in a week or two his sex drive will over ride his worries and he'll be jumping you again.

We aren't really cuddling, I try to initiate a cuddle when he gets back from work and when we first get into bed before I have to build my mountain of pillows but he let's me for a second then says he's hungry/tired/got things to do.

He sometimes initiates a cuddle but not very often and he's stopped wanting to feel the baby kick/move which is something he wanted to do alot. I'll put his hand on my bump when I can feel kicking like I've always done but literally seconds later he takes it away.

We've both discussed the impending arrival and both admitted we are a bit scared as first time parents usually are but I always try and tell him I know he's going to be a wonderful dad as he's so loving and good with kids and that he will learn how to do things just like I will need to do. As far as I can tell he's looking forward to it and even excited for the baby's arrival.

I can get the fear of sex bit because of not wanting it to hurt again I just can't get my head around the fact that he doesn't want to engage in oral or anything else. I've said we don't need to have sex we can do other things like we have many times before as it's not always been about sex but he rejects that too but unlike saying sex might hurt me he gives no reason for it.

Dont feel too rejected. You say yourself that in the past that you haven't always been as keen as your DH, so now in a way you know what it felt like for him. It is a salutary lesson. He took it on the chin when your desire didn't match his didn't he? So listen to him now. Misguided as I think he is, it is what he feels. He supported and respected you didn't he? So now it is his turn.
However,
Unfortunately when you have the baby, lots of women go off sex entirely. It is a combination of lack of sleep, sore breasts, the anxiety of being a new Mother etc etc. so it won't be long before the STATUS QUO is back to normal in your house, I am afraid.

So try and remember the feelings YOU HAVE now because after you have had the baby, when you reject him, he will be feeling what you feel.

Your DH sounds a really decent sort. I think he is misguided, as obviously he isn't going to hurt the baby, but decent Neverthless.

However there are still FIVE weeks to go and he is a chap...... If you leave off talking about it ....... He may not be able to resist.... Candles.... A bottle of wine.....nice meal.... You could try seducing him.

My dh never had sex with me through any of my pregnancies. He was just so worried about it. I never forced it and accepted his feelings. To give you some perspective we always got straight back on the horse atfter the 6 week check and have never had problems in that respect.

Sounds like he doesn't want to have sex with you 'at the moment', rather than 'anymore'.

This is temporary. Lots of love and kisses, give him a few hand jobs and blow jobs, and all will be well.

Mmmm well you have added more stuff and we have cross posted and I don't know what to say really.

If he can't say what is exactly wrong ATM and he doesn't want to discuss it further then I would try being cool yourself. Yes it is game playing and 'yes' in an adult relationship one shouldn't be trying to manipulate anyone.
However, sometimes needs must.
So try, no more cuddling from you, no more mentioning the subject and lots of nice dinners, calm house etc etc and then see what happens. Maybe work is stressful, maybe he resents working extra hours, maybe he is frightened etc.
Remember when you didn't want to make love to him, if he had kept the pressure up it would have made you back away even more.

It is a bit worrying that he can't vocalise about the problem but I have lived with a DH who is like that for 40 years. On occasion I have had to give up on the discussion because it was a dead end. I still love him and he is also a decent loving human being.
Relationships go up and down.
Best of luck with the new baby.