XH, ds and holidays. Not brave enough for AIBU!

[radiolarian]

Name changed as this contains several identifying details...

I need your advice about whether or not I am doing/saying the right thing.

Ds (11) came home from a day with his dad this weekend saying that XH had been talking about taking ds away to 'somewhere in Europe' at Easter. My instincts are screaming at me that this is an awful idea but I need to know if I'm just being OTT and unfair.

XH and I split when ds was very young. It was a horribly dysfunctional relationship and I've never regretted leaving. To cut a very, very long story short, many of our issues stemmed form xh's abuse of drugs and booze, which made him unpredictable, aggressive, paranoid and occasionally violent. He was also financially, verbally and emotionally abusive. For some years after we split he calmed down a little, but 18months ago he spiralled down again after the breakup of a relationship and ended up in residential rehab. Since then he has been unsuccessful in getting clean and sober. I know for a fact that he is drinking (he has been pissed at pickup/drop off a couple of times this year alone) and I would find it hard to believe that he is not taking 'recreational' drugs, although I have no proof of that.

Anyway. I have tried really hard over the years to help facilitate a relationship between ds and his dad, but this is a step too far for me. I know he loves ds and would never intentionally put him in harms way but he is just too unpredictable imo, and irresponsible. The thought of him being in charge of ds in foreign country is, frankly, scary.

Ds is unhappy with me as he knows I don't like the idea. He he has been on holiday with his father before but that was a few years ago when XH was in a relationship with someone I trusted to be responsible in loco parentis. That person is out of xh's life now (due to his appalling behaviour towards her!) Ds knows that his dad has had problems in the past but wants to spend time with his dad - which is fine but imo limits need to be drawn. I think at 11 he is too young to really grasp the situation - plus I don't want to be 'telling stories' about his dad! - and obviously too young to look after himself on holiday.

So, am I being unreasonable? Too overprotective? His father is not a bad person but fundamentally I don't trust him to be the responsible adult. Am I being unfair?

Btw I have texted XH to task him to call me about this - so far he hasn't.

On the one hand, I appreciate you are concerned as he is still battling drink and drug demons. However, he has sole charge of DS in this country so you must, on some level, trust his ability to parent.

Does he regularly have him overnight/for weekends?

How would you feel if he changed the plans to a UK break?

Oh and what type of holiday is it? Citybreak? Family beach? Usual "party" resort?

He has him overnight now and again, not regularly. This has only just started recently. However, he lodges with a friend who has residency of his own son, so there is always another adult and child there which, rationally or not, makes me feel better.

I have no idea what sort of break it would be. He hasn't communicated with me about it.

Is there any hope of this actually materialising?
Has exH got enough money? a passport? if he is so dysfunctional?

I would hold fire on letting your DS know of your disapproval unless you can give him a cast iron understandable reason why not, and until you are sure it could be done anyway - because all you are doing at the moment is making yourself out to be bad guy in the face of exH's holiday largesse.

Passport, yes. I have ds's though.
Money - who knows? He pleads poverty (hasn't paid agreed levels of child maintenance for years) but seems to find the cash if he needs/wants to.

It may not come off, you're right. I'm just so fed up with giving this guy the benefit of the doubt in order not to look the bad guy in front of ds. I've done it for a decade. It's exhausting. I just feel like maybe I need to start taking a stand, even if it makes me the baddy.

I think you need to take a stand.

Do you think he drives while under the influence while he has your son?

I would be asking your XH what his exact plans are. Accommodation, activities, money, contact points ..... and make a judgement. Even something like which European country he intends to visit could be significant. If it's a location known for cheap booze and drugs, you can say it's not suitable for a chid. If this were a school trip, you'd want to know all the ins and outs.

He has admitted to it in the past. Doesn't see much wrong with it. He doesn't have a car atm, thank god. It is this that scares me the most actually - that he would hire a car when away and drive pissed.

Sorry, x-posted. That was to however.

I could - and will - ask him all of that, cog. I'm not sure it would make much difference to how I feel though - he can get into trouble in an empty room! But yes, Amsterdam or Ibiza definitely no-noes .

My instincts are usually right about this man. The bottom line for me is that I don't trust him to be in sole charge of ds for several days and nights, in another country where ds, for example, would not speak the language.

I think this is just hot air.

I wouldn't discuss it with DS again, and if he raises it, say you will have a good think about it when XH tells you all his plans, stress that you are not saying No at this point.

I am afraid that XH might now tell DS he cannot take him abroad "because mum won't let me" when in fact the holiday would never have materialised anyway.....

Thinking about it some more I agree with the PP. You're describing an unreliable character (to put it mildly) and he could easily have been making airy promises he's no intention of keeping.

Maybe the guy that ex lodges with told him he's taking his DS abroad and said he'd be welcome to come too so that the boys are company for each other?

If it came to it, not a chance! However it sounds like a load of hot air to me. My ex has done this, promised amazing holidays then it never happens because he too is a total waster and full of shit.

I wouldn't do or say anything more about it unless ex actually looks like he is going to book or actually books something.