How to help dh

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Bit of a backstory here. Dh's parents divorced 2 years ago. Fil no longer speaks to dh because (we think) he sees that dh took mil's side during the separation. Mil moved from near us to 12500miles away back to her home country.

We don't know the exact reasons for mil deciding she was getting a divorce. (It seemed very much one sided.poor fil had no say in anything so it seemed). She became very needy and clingy. We visited her at Christmas and had to listen to how marvelous her single life is, how she should have never married etc. She also told me I'm no longer family (but really that's another issue).

Since the divorce dh has changed. He's just not the same person he was. Speaking to him last night he said he no longer has a family. His mum ruined and destroyed every happy memory he had of his childhood. He believes they are all based on lies. He keeps having "dark thoughts" (not sure what though because he won't talk about it with me). He says he feels like someone has died and he's not allowed to grieve.

It makes me sad then angry that he's feeling like this but I don't know what to do to help.

Anyone been through similar?
I've suggested he speak to someone but no idea who....

If he's having 'dark thoughts', then I'd suggest his GP. Has he said why he doesn't want to talk to you about it?

I was thinking gp. We share the same one so did think maybe about going to see her for some advice myself.

He doesn't want to talk about it because it makes him upset. So it's not just talking to me about it. It's anyone.

I fully appreciate how hard it was for him - if I'm honest mil put a lot of strain on our marriage at the time. We were never left alone. Phone calls late at night her crying down the phone, never seeming to understand that we had lives of our own, she couldn't grasp that we maybe didn't want her with us all the time.

I read somewhere that it's usually easier on kids if their parents separate and divorce when they are young because they aren't capable of fully understanding what's going on and aren't dragged into the middle.

I honestly think dh needs to speak to his mum about how he's feeling and tell her what he told me (About destroying families etc) but he's said he won't because she won't listen and will just carry on as she is. Destroying everything around her (this part is true. While away at Christmas she said some truely upsetting things to me -doesn't consider me family anymore, suggested I leave dh... Doesn't seem to realise how hurtful she's being, thinks it's all a big joke and when you dare to challenge her you're being oversentitive).

Ultimately this IS a mil issue, isn't it....

Have to go to work in a bit but appreciate the advice and will check in later.

It might well be bringing up all kind of underlying stuff from earlier in his life, these kind of life events often do.

I think you may have to get a little tougher. He's obviously having personal difficulties and you want to help but, given that his behaviour has changed to the point where it is having a detrimental effect on the rest of the family, him seeing the GP is really not negotiable,

Both his parents sound like dreadful people.

Maybe this isn't a MIL issue, or at least can be treated rather as a bereavement issue.

Your DH has said that he feels someone has died and he's not allowed to grieve, so maybe the key here is to facilitate his grieving, iyswim.

Of course this won't go anywhere if he remains stoic and tight-lipped about it. Is there someone he'd be willing to talk to?

I've suggested that he speak to gp. random completely agree. It's bringing up all sorts. The thing that suprises/worries me is that it's taken all this time. Iyswim.

We went to visit a friend of ours on sat morning (dh has known her and her family since he was a kid). She's just had a baby. Played with baby etc. Lovely. Came home and dh said that he was sad because he'll never have that (that being both parents in the same room, as a family).

Does your DH have siblings? Is he quite young?

Yes 2 brothers. Both of whom live overseas. One in Aussie. The other in Hong Kong. So they're fairly removed from everything.

He's the oldest.

Do you have children yourselves?

'The child is the father of the man' indeed. A lot of people won't consider it, but therapy might help him in the long term.

I wonder if the thing that's really upsetting him is that everyone has left him behind? If his mother and siblings are whooping it up on the other side of the world and his father has cut contact, that could easily feel like rejection.

I ask if you have children yourselves because there is a transition point in a lot of adult lives where 'the family' stops being 'Me, Mum, Dad and siblings'.... and has to become 'Me, DW and my DCs'.

I agree with Goats. If you look at it as a grieving situation. He will get back to how he was but it will take time. Perhaps you could encourage him to grieve more openly rather than him attempt to supress his feelings.

If he is struggling then perhaps he does need to see the GP and I would suggest he has some counselling.

It touched me that he felt his happy family memories have been based on lies. The next step presumably us that everything he knows now is a lie. This is definitely not a quick fix situation and while I'm all for not enabling bad behaviour I feel that your husband is in a grieving process that will require the benefit of time.

My bf's parents divorced when he was at university. His Mum said she had not been happy for years. Sounds like she stayed in the marriage 'for the kids'. He said it felt as though his family/childhood memories became nullified, and based on lies. Perhaps your DH feels something similar?

I think he simply feels alone. He said he was sad that he'll never have a loving family all in the same room. He said he no longer has a family. His brothers have already left and, now that his parents who were (over) involved in his life have either rejected him or emigrated, he is all on his Jack Jones.

Only he isn't on his own .... he has a DW at the very least. I think that's what he needs to be gently reminded about and pushed towards counselling.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Much appreciated. I've been to our gp. And she's given me the names of counsellors. To pass on.

Do you have children OP?

No. Not kids yet. We've been talking about it though. So again this has probably triggered his feelings of family-less-ness.

I think you're right. Having your own children can mean that the neuroses of extended family take on much less importance. On the other he may worry that, having not had a good experience growing up, he wouldn't make a good job of being a father himself. Or he may worry that any children you have would suffer in some way from not having one set of grandparents.

Maybe one way you could help him through this is to talk about the future in a more general sense? He can't actually change his parents or what's happened in his childhood etc but he may find it constructive to plan your joint future as a family unit. Something to look forward to rather than staying wallowing in the past

I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I was feeling a bit out if my depth. And was wondering if i was doing the right thing even by thinking I suggest he speaks to gp. All the above has really helped me. I'll push him (gently) to talk. Fully agree it's not going to be a quick fix. It's going to take time. But thank you.