Is anyone awake?

[2little2late2change4now]

I can't sleep for all the thoughts in my head. My situation is my own making, I have been diagnosed with bpd, it's not really a huge shock, I've known I was different for a long long time but I needed to want to change and I am, except I think it's too late for DP. He was so unhappy and I understand why, my behaviours have been terrible. He has left but said it wasn't definitely over and he needed time and to trust that I was committed to getting help and we would see how things went, he said he still loves me. But tonight he dropped the bombshell that there's someone else and I have no idea what to do, I was calm and I listened an asked a few questions but it was such a test of my behaviours. I e my mum straight after and fell apart. We have 1 child and one on the way. I keep thinking how could he do this but I know how, any port in a storm perhaps? I still love him and feel if he could get past what I had done I could get past what he's done but I don't know anymore. Please be gentle with m

It does depend on what you have done, but leaving is a complicated process and often requires detaching from the person. He may be well ahead of you in the process and I don't find it surprising that he has found someone else.
I would advise you to work on getting better for yourself and for your children and your relationship with them, because they need you.

So sorry to hear you are so unhappy OP. Regardless of what has gone on, it must be a horrible shock for you to discover he has moved on in this way, especially as you are currently pregnant.

You say you have been diagnosed with BPD - have you tried googling DBT ( dialectal behavioural techniques) - there are some great free online reaources there that could help you in the short term- particularly the distress management techniques. Maybe have a look, and if you can try and get through this minute by minute until you can find some sort of peace of mind again.

Sorry I can't be of more help, just wanted to let you know I empathise with how tortuted your thoughts probably are right now and I am here for you if you need it. Also try and keep in mind that as awful as you are feeling now, feelings are transient and they will pass even though it probably doesn't feel like that now.

This is temporary- things will improve and you WILL get through this. Please believe that

Also OP- I very much doubt that the situation is ALL of your own making so please don't think that. You may have acted badly, but that does not make you bad person or any less deserving of compassion than anyone else. So be kind to yourself. BPD is one of the few PD's that has a good prognosis and that you can recover from if you get the appropriate treatment. Your life will not always be this way, if you put the work in you will recover, your future may seem bleak now but it really isn't.

I am posting in case you are still awake and are looking for more hands to hold.

The situation you are in is dreadful. But assigning blame to either one of you is fruitless. You have been ill for some time and didn't recognise it. Your husband has found his relationship with you too challenging and has moved on.

It is a great sadness that he didn't have the gall and the gumption to end his relationship with you before he sought out another woman (and certainly before he made another baby with you!).

You say you have spoken to your Mum. Use as many RL friends/family as you can whilst you process this information. When the initial shock wears off, you can use this thread to rant - or to check out your feelings/decisions. Nobody can make decisions for you but, sometimes, just chatting can help you to clarify your own thoughts.

Take care OP. I hope you will get some sleep tonight.

Thank you for the replies. My behaviour has manifested in a lot of uncontrolled behaviour lashing out and control and manipulation. One of the big triggers is abandonment so this is truly hard.
I'm having dbt and cbt and my therapist is extremely positive that the change is happening.
I think the real distress is from DP saying it's all 6 weeks too late and also that he came and saw dd and told me that he loved me but went back and slept with her.
I know I have to live with my awful actions and one day explain that I suffered bpd and did some awful things when my dd was small but I cannot comprehend telling your children that whilst their mum sought help and was pregnant that you slept with another woman and are now contemplating a life with her. I keep feeling she must be crazy to get involved when he has a baby on the way and 2 children already (one from previous relationship). She is 15 years younger than him and apparently has a boyfriend I just can't comprehend either of their morals right now. I wish I could press fast forward

for the BPD. Me too. It looks like you've got the classic triggers there! It is difficult being in a relationship with someone with BPD; but don't forget you are ill, it's not a choice you made, and you are seeking the appropriate help. Unfortunately, not everyone can cope with it, and that looks like what's happened with your partner. He has behaved pretty appallingly though, both with what he's said and done. People with BPD experience great emotional problems with breakups generally, because of issues involved with rejection and abandonment. Use your therapy and support network, it's going to hurt like hell for quite a while but how you have been feeling is not a life sentence with the treatment you're having.

Thank you. I think I feel calmer than I would have done if this had happened before the help. I'm going to call my therapist as I'm not due to see him until Friday and would like to see him sooner.
I didn't over react, I haven't done anything irrational in response to this or shouted at him and I think he finds my calm reaction so unnerving. He has told a mutual friend that he just wants some happiness and she is giving him that and that we are not getting back together and yet he has told me he will stop things with her and take some time to think and that he's not ready to make any hard and fast decisions.
He has not seen ss for more than an hour since he left despite being given opportunities and the man I know always put his children first even when his marriage broke down. That's the part that I don't recognise, the man who would choose sex with someone else over seeing his child, I just can't understand it.

You are dealing with this very well, you should congratulate yourself on that. I know how overwhelming those triggers can be.

I am struggling not to say he can't see dd until he starts putting her first but I know that isn't right and am making the conscious decision not to. Just like I have made the conscious decision not to shout at him or do anything irrational, I can see with clarity that no good would come of those actions even if they made me feel better temporarily.
Revenge is fruitless I know that the guilt will eat him up and that being away from his children will be so hard

Thank you for all the posts and support

so sorry you are going through this.

Please stop thinking about what he's doing. It will not help you get better. You've had some great advice already so focus on that. This could just be an irrational selfish stage he is going through because he feels that need right now.
Focus on you and stop listening to him talk about coming back. When you're better and stronger will be the time to decide if you even want him back.

It's just the reality of where will we live, what support will we have and the heartache of missing him so so much

You have had some excellent advice on here OP. Hope you got some rest

The day is getting harder. I can't switch off from my thoughts. Is it serious? Why did his morals not kick in? Is it still going on? Will he end it? Will she? He is meant to come and spend time at the weekend but isn't sure about staying. Is that because he wants to go back to her? I am trying to respect the time and space he needs but I have all these burning questions. How often will he see dd or the new baby? How will he juggle a relationship, a full time high pressure job, a toddler, a newborn and a teenager?
Sorry I just needed to ramble. I think women tend to look further ahead but men focus on the here and now and worry about the future later.