I love my OH but...

[StrugglingToSeeAFuture]

Long time reader but first time poster, so apologies if I muddle up any terms/abbreviations.

Bit of background. OH and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We don't live together. We both have children from previous relationships, but none together and don't plan to have any. I have two daughters, 13 and 11 who live with me. He has a son, 10, from one relationship who he sees roughly every other weekend and a daughter, 13 (who isn't his but he's brought her up since she was 3) and a son, 5, from another relationship who he sees every weekend.

We are, for the most part, happy together. We have lots of common interests and very much enjoy each others company. We had some serious issues outside of our relationship early last year and things were tough for a quite a while. I pretty much had a breakdown, and for several months I was a very difficult person to be around. It was tough but OH was supportive and with medication and therapy things have improved and I'm doing much better now. At around the same time, he had some major issues involving his ex (the mother of the two) and their children. This is also pretty much resolved now, although he has found it difficult to forgive his daughter's actions at this time and it has driven a wedge between them. There are two things that are really bothering me though.

Firstly, he regularly drinks to excess. I wouldn't call him an alcoholic, and he doesn't drink during the day or let it affect his work, but he drinks heavily at least 3 or 4 nights a week, sometimes more. Often I would like a quiet night in with him but he will stop in my local for a quick pint after a stressful day at work and end up coming back just as I am ready for bed and just drunk enough that everything he says irritates me. If I try to talk to him about this he gets upset, apologises, tells me he knows he drinks too much and he wants to cut down, but then he does the exact same thing a day or two later.

Secondly, he shows extreme favouritism to his youngest son. He has some serious behavioural issues. I'm obviously not a proffessional but I suspect it's not a medical issue like ADHD but rather more likely spoilt brat syndrome. OH refuses to punish him for anything and lets him do anything he wants to do to prevent him having a strop. The other week he refused to put his shoes on to go home unless OH agreed to buy him a McDonald's on the way home which OH did! Just this morning he was fighting with his sister. She did something which made him jump and he retaliated by biting her. When OH went to find out what was going on between them he shouted at his daughter and gave his son cuddles and took him downstairs. At no point did he tell him off or punish him for biting his sister! Perhaps it's because I'm very strict with my children but there's no way I would ever have let them get away with that sort of behaviour and I'm at the end of my tether with him mollycoddling his almost 6 year old son and allowing him to make everyone else's life a misery most weekends.

I love my OH, but unless we find a way to resolve these two issues, I'm struggling to see a future together. Am I being unreasonable? Should I butt out and let him handle things his way?

I think the only way families work - and especially where there are blended families - is if there is a very strong common vision backed up with consistency of approach. There are always going to be minor differences of opinion but where there are big differences on important matters, there is real danger of resentment and division, I think the real killer in any family is double standards so the idea of him handling things with his kids his way and you doing something else is not a good strategy.

Well, you're probably not going to like this .. but...

1- if you think he has alcohol problems, you need to let him sort them. IMO taking someone on that has alcohol problems is not a good idea. Let him work through them on his own(if he wants to) and THEN consider whether there's a relationship there. If he doesn't think he has a problem, then where would you go from there, really? Stuck with someone who drinks too much that doesn't think it's a problem. Not great.

2- You kind of lost me at "spoiled brat syndrome" tbh. But then, as someone who has 2 dcs with SNs, I may be a bit biased. You say you're not a professional and that you "suspect"... which pretty much is the same as saying "I'm assuming".. have you even discussed it with him? Asked him?

Perhaps it's because I'm very strict with my children but there's no way I would ever have let them get away with that sort of behaviour and I'm at the end of my tether with him mollycoddling his almost 6 year old son and allowing him to make everyone else's life a misery most weekends.

Well, I hope to god his ds doesn't have SNs, because with an attitude like this (without even KNOWING if he has them), you would be a nightmare to deal with if he did.

Thank you both for the replies.

Cogito, I agree completely that we need to find some common ground and consistency in dealing with his children, but it's difficult to work out how to get there. It feels like we're having the same arguments over and over and getting no closer to a solution.

Alice, those are fair comments. Re the alcohol problems. My last boyfriend WAS an alcoholic and he hid it from me for a long time until I was emotionally invested and it was very hard to let go. I don't know if this has clouded my judgement and made me feel that my OH's behaviour is worse than it is IYSWIM. Re his son, I totally get where you are coming from with the SNs and perhaps I should have phrased it better. My 10 year old nephew has SNs and his behaviour is much worse than OH's son's but my sister has gotten very good at dealing with him and is able to stop his behaviour getting out of hand. With his son, it's like my OH doesn't even try and just lets his son walk all over him. You are right, without a diagnosis it's impossible to be sure, but his behaviour is very different when he's in my sole care, when he's in school and from what I'm told when he's with his mother. It seems to be only with his dad that he behaves this way because he lets him get away with it.

If you can't resolve your differences, you're going to have consider whether it's better to go your separate ways. You're not bound to each other, it's a voluntary arrangement. If it's not working and if your DCs are being exposed to dysfunctional behaviour, there's a point where it's better for all concerned to cut your losses.

It may not be a matter of "letting him get away with it" but a matter of your OH not know how to deal with it. His ds behaving better in your sole care (or anyone else's for that matter) can involve so many variables, that it's really not an indicator.

My ds2 can behave very well when he is at my friend's house. Then when he comes home, the effort he's put into behaving well means he falls utterly apart when he gets home. He cannot maintain this at school, however, as it's a longer period, so he falls apart at school after struggling for awhile during the day. He does have SNs, but often it isn't obvious as he can sometimes (when he's not overwhelmed) hold it together for short periods of time, provided he encounters no specific triggers. Ds1, on the other hand, cannot hide it - it is pretty obvious for anyone spending more than, perhaps 5 minutes with him, that he has SNs/disabilities. And yet... even when he is sitting in his wheelchair, struggling with sensory problems and crying, I'll get people tutting and making assumptions.

The important thing is to talk to him. If you're concerned about his alcohol intake, discuss it with him. If he thinks it's not a problem, and you do, there's your answer. If you completely disagree on child related issues, or if his child does have SNs and you are not willing to keep an open mind - it's kindest for all concerned that you step away. If he has SNs and you plan on staying in the relationship, the best thing you can do is educate yourself on it, so that you understand the situation better. Few people who have children with SNs appreciate hearing the phrase "spoiled child syndrome" I can assure you.

I'm sorry Alice, I've clearly offended you and that was not my intention at all. As I said in my last reply, I should have phrased my post better. I was feeling pretty emotional due to the way my OH reacted to the situation between his son and his daughter but I should have chosen my words more carefully.

I am not as closed minded as you think I am, or at least I hope I'm not. As I said, my nephew has SNs, although he has had no formal diagnosis so we aren't sure exactly what his condition is but everyone agrees that he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I'm certainly not in the camp that believes that ADHD is just an excuse for poor parenting. ADHD and similar conditions are serious and difficult to manage and can have a huge impact on the life of the sufferer and those around them. I didn't mean for one moment to trivialise that.

However, from my understanding (and again, I admit that I could be completely wrong) children with ADHD, ASD or other such conditions do not reserve their difficult behaviour for just one person in their life. In fact, I believe for an ADHD diagnosis to be made the behaviour must occur in more than one environment. The fact that OH's son reserves this behaviour only for his dad suggests (but obviously doesn't prove) that this is because he has learnt that he can get away with it.

If I thought for one moment that OH's son had SNs then I would suggest that OH and/or his ex think about taking him to the dr for a referral to a paediatrician, although doubtless they wouldn't need me to suggest it if either of them thought that was the case. It's not so much the 5 year old's behaviour that I'm upset about, but OH's unwillingness to deal with it and how quick he is to blame his daughter for everything, even when his son is clearly in the wrong. It is very upsetting for OH's daughter when her brother hits, kicks and bites her and their dad always sides with his son.

That is terrible parenting! His son biting someone and not being told off is an absolute disgrace IMO.

Out of interest was the daughter who got bitten his bio dd or the dd who he has brought up since 3 years?

I would be really peeved if my dh went to the pub four nights a week and only came home near my bedtime, what sort of relationship is that?

IMO you are settling for second best. He is a flawed character and obviously is using alcohol as an emotional crutch.

You are worth more.

Quitelikely he doesn't have a bio daughter, just the two sons. This is the daughter he's brought up since she was 3, which is why, I believe, he's favouring his son over her but that seems completely wrong IMO.

Thank you everyone for your honest replies. I'm not sure really what I was expecting by posting here. I guess I was kind of hoping that someone would tell me I was being unreasonable and I should let him go and enjoy a few beers after a stressful day at work and that it's none of my business how he chooses to bring up his son. That way I could go on burying my head in the sand and pretend that everything is fine.

I suppose in reality I knew already what I need to do, no matter how hard it is. I know I need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him and let him know that it's make or break time. It's just that I really do love him and I don't want to lose him over what I believe are fixable problems. I guess it just comes down to whether or not he's ready to work with me to try to fix things :(

"It's just that I really do love him and I don't want to lose him over what I believe are fixable problems. I guess it just comes down to whether or not he's ready to work with me to try to fix things sad"

What do you get out of this relationship now (in terms of him meeting your own needs?).

Have you considered what sort of role model he is to your children?. What do you think they are learning about relationships here?.

Do you really love him or are you really co-dependent?. I ask this as co-dependency often features heavily where alcoholism is present within the relationship. You also cannot fix or rescue someone who ultimately does not want to be saved. He has also never been your project to change or improve.

He seems quite happy as he is and he also does not want your support. His excessive drinking (something he also has in common with your ex) is a huge problem in its own right as is his overt favouritism out of guilt. Only HE can address those and he does not want to, he does not want your help and support. Also you are too close to be of any real use to him in this respect anyway.

He may well give you the spiel about oh I'll change and seek help for my drinking etc but its really paying lip service to the issue. He does not want help. If he wanted help he would have sought it of his own accord and without any intercession from you.

What is actually your definition of an alcoholic?. They don't all sit on park benches and drink every day. He is probably what is termed a functioning alcoholic in that he can hold down a job (well for now anyway).

The drinking would be the stumbling block here for me. If he intended to cut down then he would have. He will keep this up so you need to decide if you are happy to sit around while he's in the pub. It's not easy but he won't do it unless he wants to.

Struggling Please do not think that you need to "work with" him to fix an alcohol problem. He needs to do it. His problem, his decisions, his fix. Accepting responsibility for someone else's drinking is not a good idea. Only he can take that responsibility. You, however, can decide whether or not you are willing to tolerate it if he is not willing to work on it. I would think very carefully about that - far too many people are happy to gloss over alcohol problems by saying "oh it's just a few drinks - don't be so controlling, woman!" Also consider how this alcohol issue will affect not just you, but your children. Is his level of intake something you are happy to expose them to? (and I'm not being snarky here - it's an honest question)

As far as the discipline and children go - I was moderately irritated by your first post, yes. However, I was absolutely not having a go at you after you apologised in your second post. It is important IMO to educate yourself regarding SNs if you are with someone that has children with SNs, which is why I brought that up. Whether his ds has SNs or not is something you cannot guess or assume - you can only know by asking. If he is your partner, he will discuss it with you openly at this point. If his ds does have SNs, it will have a huge impact on your life if you live together, that's just the way it is. So it's important to talk to him and ask, so you're clear. Making assumptions about whether or not it presents with other people doesn't give you a clear answer - many children present in different ways. The old "only if it shows up in more than one environment" simply doesn't always work.

If it's discipline, then you both need to sit down and discuss how you're going to work things. Because living with children and having a partner that has very different disciplinarian practices/beliefs as you can be stressful and become a huge battleground, dragging the children into the battle as well, which isn't helpful for anyone.

Oh, and contrary to the song in Frozen... getting a "bit of a fixer-upper" is not always desirable. Do not progress further into a relationship thinking you can "fix" things or change him. That never ever works. Ever.

Big mistake trying to fix someone. Big mistake. It really will never happen. I strongly doubt you will be able to change his parenting approach as it will be deeply ingrained and as for the booze if he likes it, wants to do it or needs to so he can let off steam then I think you will hit a brick wall.

Good luck with your chat, just remember there are other men out there who can make you happy.

Hello OP

My advice is to decide where your own boundaries lie and calmly explain those to your DP. You can't change someone else and you have to accept that he can drink as much as he likes, when he likes. He can raise his kids how he likes.

All you can do is decide whether you can spend your life with this. If the answer is no, then let him know. He can then think about what he chooses to do as well. It's not about trying to change someone - no-one has to change - but about acknowledging that right now your mutual needs and expectations are not quite meeting up, and that means that this relationship isn't one that will make you happy. So you both need to be clear. If his boundary is 'I need to go drinking after work several times a week and I cannot be happy without doing that' fine, but now you know he isn't right for you.

Promises and apologies while repeating the same behaviour don't mean jack shit. It means that he's fobbing you off with the right words while the actions show you his true intentions/feelings. It could well be that he does just expect to continue doing this and has no intention of actually stopping - he just hopes that eventually you'll get used to it/come to accept it. Different expectations, different boundaries. One of you needs to happy to go with the other's boundary, and I mean genuinely happy, or this will always be a problem and source of arguments and bad feeling.