Feeling strange about my life

[mytartanscarf]

I know there's probably no 'real' advice anyone can give me but I just need a chance to talk/vent whatever.

I'm 32, almost 33. Most of my friends are married or in stable relationships (I know this could change!) Many have children; those who don't probably will in the next three/four years.

I've had a strange sort of life. I had an 'ordinary' childhood - quite middle class - but that started to change when I was 13 and my mum was diagnosed with cancer. My brother has autism and always got more attention than me anyway and when my mum was ill I became pretty much invisible. She died when I was 15 and my dad moved out into another womans house and came back every other weekend! This sounds bonkers considering I was in year 10 at the time but everyone just acted like it was normal.

At the time I was washing dishes in a local pub for pocket money and met an older man who looking back was troubled himself. I got pregnant. I went into serious denial and by the time it emerged (as I was barely attending school at this point) and became obvious I was 28 weeks. I had a baby girl and it was generally considered by everyone adoption was best for me and my daughter. That was what happened. My dad never talked about that.

I did surprisingly well in my exams considering and went on to do a levels at a sixth form college where no one knew my 'history' so to speak. I went on to university and my dad died then; and after I graduated I was desperate to replace my family. I had a sort-of relationship with a man - it was never serious and we had a sort of tactical agreement that he'd help me get pregnant I got pregnant fairly quickly and soon realised it wasn't what I wanted. I felt alone and frightened and sick and scared. I ended up having a termination (I don't regret this.) This was all quite a chaotic and dysfunctional time for me and I was working as an escort in the city so I was having sex a lot but never actual relationships.

I suppose the point is, I've settled of sorts. I still live a life others probably consider a bit mad (live on a boat, work 3 jobs!) but no escorting or pregnancies or other madness.

But when I see my friends in stable marriages and starting families I feel sad. I have explained my history because I can't contemplate having a baby alone but I doubt very much I can have a relationship (I have had counselling but while it helped me come to terms with some stuff it didn't make any difference to relationships.) I don't want one, can't imagine having one.

But I know as I go from my 30s into my 40s and then 50s my life is going to be so dramatically different to everyone else's and not entirely through choice.

I suppose I am wondering how everyone else deals with being 'different' and living a life that while you're happy you recognise you wouldn't exactly have chosen it!

That is an extraordinary story and I feel you should be bloody proud of yourself that you survived. I think you are my new hero! What a woman you must be!

You're only "different" because the majority of your friends or so it seems to you are all following the same model.

Make different friends, people of different ages and backgrounds: you'll see that there is a wide variety of ways to live. Including yours. There is no one model that is more valid than all the others.

Although it is true that this is a message we have been fed, subliminally, our whole lives, so it is easy to fall into the feeling that we are "unworthy" when we don't fit into the mould, especially for someone like you whose life experiences must have made some serious dents in your self-esteem.

Do your boat and your three jobs and your hobbies and relations bring you a sense of fulfilment? If any of them don't (eg. your friendships), work on balancing that aspect of your life a bit more.

Your life is fine, so long as it brings you fulfilment. In relation to your own values - not in comparison to another person's.

I'm rather older than you (50) and my life trajectory, whilst nothing like as eventful or traumatic as yours, has taken some unexpected twists and turns that mean my current set up is not where I thought I'd be. Although I'd like to think it made me a more interesting person! :) I heard a cheesy fridge-magnet quote the other day which went... 'It's never too late to be what you might have been' (George Eliot) Which I'm choosing to interpret as whilst you can't erase the past or drop the changes to your personality, the future is a clean sheet and anything's possible.

Thanks joni :) that's a really nice post.

Goat; I'm not sure ... If I could go back, if I could change things, I would make it all so different. I don't think I'm exactly happy but I am content enough generally I supoose. And as joni said I do feel sort of proud of what I've overcome.

At the same time I just wish thins had turned out a bit more
Conventionally!

Cogito thanks :) I like that quote and I have tried and to a point succeeded at turning things around for myself.

But I just can't erase the last two decades and emerge from them a normal person keen to meet a boyfriend and get married. I just don't think I could. But I'm also afraid of being lonely and without children in my middle and old age!

I didn't recruit a boyfriend or get married and yet I still managed to become a mother and thwart fears of a lonely old age in other ways :) If you've arrived where you are by an unconventional route, where you want to end up may be achieved equally unconventionally. That's what I mean about a clean sheet. You don't have to conform to the herd mentality.

You have had a very traumatic life.

I think you need a lot more counselling/psychotherapy to help you cope with your past and move on to a happy future.

I'm not surprised you find relationships difficult.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to settle down into a ltr and have DCs.

First you have to believe you deserve to be loved and treated well.

I know there's nothing wrong with it but I don't think the reality is for me - I like the abstract thought of meeting someone but I don't think id be happy married.

I can't afford to keep having counselling and I don't think I'll ever change in that respect!

Why don't you think you'd be happy married?

Try to work out what it is you actually want. 'Marriage' (or adult relationships more broadlyl) do not necessarily have to conform to some sort of uniform pattern with predetermined roles. Compatibility is the holy grail, not conformity

Weeeeell ... Lots of reasons really caitlin.

For one I can't see myself meeting somebody. I quite like my life as it is (now! Not so much in the future!) and I don't have time to actually meet someone.

It takes me a while to 'like' someone - am a slow burner. I don't have much of a need for sex and - sorry to be blunt - when I do can satisfy myself easily enough.

I can't imagine really letting someone in as I know people would be very critical of my life if I explained it. Actually allowing someone to see all aspects of it - I just can't see it!

In some ways I am a bit of a loner although I do have strong female friendships.

So is it the case that you want a baby but a relationship?

I'm not entirely sure. I would say yes except when I thought I wanted that before I actually didn't.

Hmmm so can you narrow down what it is you feel you're missing? Is it a sense of family?

Well I don't have any advice really but you should be very proud of yourself OP. You have had a traumatic life and have come through it and you sound very together and strong.

I think normality certainly. A sense of belonging. i don't feel it all the time but sometimes I really do

Do you have much of a relationship with your brother?

I do but its a bit one way because of his condition.

I'm a friend to him but he can't really be to me -
Does that make sense? :)

I think it's important to appreciate that had your life followed a more conventional and unremarkable path it wouldn't necessarily have turned out to be satisfying and rewarding, or even happy. It's easy to look at other people's lives from the outside and imagine that everything's hunky dory for them. I hope you can enjoy what you have and what you're doing now and treat yourself kindly. You do say you're basically happy but it sounds a bit as though you're not allowing that to be true.

Your life does follow a different kind of style at the moment, but if it suits you what's wrong with that. Who's to say what will happen and how it might evolve and that could happen at any time. You'll be wary of settling with someone because of your history, but the right person could bring out different feelings towards a relationship.
You might feel you want to partner up with someone but not necessarily live together, there are lots of different options as you already know.

I noticed that you talk about erasing the past and emerging a 'normal' person. You haven't come across as anything other than a regular kind of person to me, just that your lifestyle is slightly different. Maybe you're judging yourself and your experiences too harshly, so much of it wasn't your choice or of your own making. Maybe you're judging other people harshly in what you imagine they'd think of you now, if they knew all about your past? There's a big difference between who someone truly is and their experiences through circumstance.

I wonder if a lot of your disquiet is to do with your daughter? do you want to talk about her at all, your feelings now about her adoption, or would you rather not.

Can I ask about your work? you do three jobs, are these three totally different types of work or the same work for different people? Is there a particular reason for this or is it totally your own preference?
I just wonder if you're fulfilled by work or hedging your bets in case one job lets you down.

You actually come across as someone who's been very resilient in the face of some harsh and challenging life events and it's totally understandable to wonder what might have been if you hadn't found your path being forced in directions you'd rather not have taken, but it's sad to read that you're worrying about ultimately being unfulfilled. If counselling isn't an option at the moment then perhaps putting your thoughts out here and hearing others' point of view will at least offer a platform in the short term.

Thanks; that is a really nice post :) I think you're right; I do imagine that people can 'see' that I've had a lonely and unhappy life when they probably can't but even so - I inagine they can!

I don't think I'm distressed about the baby I had which makes me sound cold but honestly it's like another time and life. I just really hope she's happy and brought joy to her mum and dad.

Work is definitely hedging my bets: I'm financially insecure.

Thanks again. Lovely post :)

You've had a terribly difficult past and have survived it with good humour. Have you thought of writing about it?

One thing I think you should do is to try to futureproof yourself a bit - I appreciate you're struggling financially and this is one thing in your thirties, quite another when you're much older. I'd hate you to be vulnerable in that way.

You're obviously very self-sufficient. You allow women into your life in a way that you won't allow men - is that to do with your relationship with your mum and dad, do you think?

Thank you too

I don't think you sound cold at all. I would probably have made the same decision and I'm a firm believer that you can only ever do the best you can at the time with the facts and circumstances available to you at that time.
We might come to regret decisions with the benefit of hindsight, but hindsight's called that for a reason.
My only experience of adoption is a friend of mine. It was a long time before she told me that she'd been adopted. I asked her if she'd ever thought about looking for her birth parents and she said no, never. She'd had a happy upbringing and felt happy and secure in her life, so she was going to let it be. Obviously I appreciate that it's not like that for everyone, but I admire her peace.

Perhaps you need to learn not to second guess what other people are feeling or what they'd think about your past if they knew. Let them just be with you as you are now. People whose lives have followed a very conventional pattern probably look at your lifestyle and sometimes envy what they see as freedom.

For my own part I made a decision years ago that took my life down a very definite path. It was quite a hard decision to make. I often think that if i was making it today I would have chosen the other path, but I'm happy and that can't be bettered can it. I have some things in my life that I'd rather not have had and others that I might not have if I'd chosen differently. I've worked on accepting how things are and not worrying about the abstract that I can't change now.
It's quite liberating when you're able to do that but it can take some determined effort. Hopefully your work situation won't destablize and you can enjoy the here and now

Thanks Imperial :) I am lucky as I have property and rent this out, but am trying to save for a round the world trip - hence I was lax in financially insecure I'm ok. Just trying to save!

I imagine many do see freedom and i really love that about my life. I just don't know if I want it forever?

You have done amazingly well after what you have been through.

Don't feel that because your life has been unconventional that you are missing out. You seem reasonably content and you have good friends. I actually think living on a boat sounds quite good fun at your age!

I am wondering if you are missing a sense of belonging because you have sadly lost your parents and also without a partner you don't feel part of a family. Sadly there are many people who do have a family, whether that be parents or partner, and are miserable as a result. It is far better to be single and content with a busy life and good friends than in a bad relationship.

You say that you can't let someone into your life because you are worried that they would judge you for your past. No one on this thread has been critical of you and anyone in real life who was critical of you would not be worth knowing. You sound lovely and anyone who cares about you would be supportive.

Life doesn't always turn out like you expect it to. Sometimes we want what we haven't got, sometimes when you get something you realise you didn't want it after all.

I met my husband around your age after thinking that I wasn't going to meet anyone that I wanted to settle down with it's not worked out but not relevant to the point so you have years ahead of you to settle down if you choose to.

I hope you manage to save up for your round the world trip and that you have a wonderful time but remember that it is your life and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If living in a tent surrounded by sheep makes you happy or getting married with 2.4 children then that is your choice. You've got lots going for you and you have plenty of time to change 'forever' if you so wish to. Good luck

OP, you sound absolutely lovely. You've had a really tough upbringing, none of it was your fault but you were let down very badly by your father. It's really hard having an autistic child, please forgive your mum. She loved you both the same, he just needed her more. I bet she would have loved to have the chance to spread her time across you equally.

When you look at other people's lives you only ever see the positive bits they want to share. You don't see the boredom, the frustration, the what ifs that they have. So many people settle and then feel trapped.

Make plans, travel, meet lots of new people. I didn't have my kids til I was much older than you. Just do what it takes to make YOU feel happy and try not to compare your life to anyone else's.

FWIW, I have a friend who has no family, their back story is worse than yours. They have a very close knit set of friends, we are the family they never had.

Good luck! The boat sounds awesome btw.