How do you decide?

[travellingtime]

I'm gutted to be even writing this but things have been deteriorating for a while and nothing seems to make a difference - it's like we've both run out of steam .
When I'm alone I'm thinking of the practicalities of being. Single mum with 2 kids then when I'm with dh I get little glimmers of 'no there's no need for that it will all be ok'
He's not abusive or controlling (well a bit) or a cheater . I think we may have just reached the end of the road . His idiosyncrasies that unused to find endearing are now just plain irritating . He's mostly good with the kids. But he's a v short fuse lately and often is too selfish I feel . He wd argue I am not selfish enough and gear things too .
much towards the children .
I also feel I am often the one doing all the compromising (perhaps I'm not but it feels that way)
I guess I'm just looking for support.
I don't know what to do - I find it hard to talk to dh lately.
do I do the British thing of keep on keeping on or bail out while i still have a sliver of sanity ?

I think, when things seem to have hit the buffers, you have to talk and talk honestly. Keeping on keeping on and suppressing feelings does nothing except store up resentment. Parting ways may be premature. If you're in two minds I think you have to properly articulate your feelings - possibly with the assistance of a relationship counsellor - and see if there's any common ground. He could be as unhappy as you.

Can you give some concrete examples of the things that make you want to leave, and the things that make you think it will all be ok?

Really, it all boils down to what you want: you can leave if you're unhappy, or stay if you choose to. But it sounds like you're unsure about what you want. You could use this thread to try and tease that out.

If you imagine yourself in 5 years' time, what do you see? Does that image give you joy or dismay?

Sorry things are tough right now OP- 2 things jump out - saying he can be a bit controlling and has a short fuse- what did you mean by that?

And, be careful of the "he would say" trap, if he hasn't actually told you that's what he thinks. Sometimes people have whole debates with their partner by assuming what their partner thinks, without actually giving their partner the opportunity to put their side forward. I agree with cogito- communication is needed.

6 months ago I was where you are now- felt that me and DH had come to the end of the line, nothing was getting any better and we were both very unhappy and had been for quite a while. There were no major LTB issues but lots of problems that we couldn't seem to resolve.

As we are not good at communicating we contemplated seeing a counsellor but my DH said he didn't think it would help. So we separated (with a view to divorcing at some point) and he moved out.

Now, 6 months later, we both realise that we owe it to ourselves, our DC and our marriage (20 years) to seek help to see if there is a way we can be together again, and if not, how to divorce amicably. So we are seeing a relationship counsellor. I'm not sure how successful it will be but I think we would have had more chance of success if we had seen a counsellor before making the decision to separate. It feels like too much time has now passed and water under the bridge.

If you are so undecided and you struggle to talk to each other perhaps give counselling a go before you make any major decisions.