How do I move on?

[TheMD]

Another mother-thread, I'm afraid! I would really appreciate your input, wise MNters!
I am 28 years old and am in a seemingly good place in my life: getting married this year, a stable job I like, planning to buy a home.

Without boring you all with the fine details , I became quite depressed as an 11-12 year old and the illness never really left; I had a huge breakdown about 6 years ago, dropped out of uni, became homeless, attempted suicide and spent 5 months in a psychiatric facility. The most support my mother showed me was to say "get yourself together, FFS", along with physical and emotional abuse (before I move out at age 18). I don't know whether this was because she grew up in a similarly disordered environment and didn't know any better...

The problem is that despite having had some counselling, this has been hugely traumatic for me and I feel like everything I attempt is tainted by my experiences with depression. I was a high achiever at school and am failing myself at the moment, I know it. I self-sabotage at every turn and I blame my mother for not showing me any love or praise when all my teachers were queuing up to tell her how great I was.

I feel like this is such a silly thing for a woman my age to contemplate, and if it sounds like I'm blaming her for my failures then it's because I AM. How do I let go of this? I know it's holding me back and suffocating me from the inside - I don't want to live like this :(

I don't think it's silly.
We all crave love and acceptance from our parents.

I think you are right in that if your mother came from unhealthy background it was not actually possible for her to pass anything on to you that she did not have.

For me, acceptance is key in moving on. There's nothing I can do about the past, except learn from it.

Have you had any therapy?

jackydanny - thank you for your reply. Do you think though, that because I came from an unhealthy background myself, I won't be able to love and support my children (should I be lucky to have any)? I've read so much about breaking the cycle of abuse and believe that it is possible. (this is why I struggle to dismiss my mother's behaviour as something she had no control over)

Acceptance seems to be the answer, you're right. I guess this is my problem - I don't know how to accept this without any further anguish. I have done a few therapy sessions, nothing long term. I must say I didn't find it helpful, as I do completely understand the theory behind my mother's actions, just find it very hard to accept the impact they've had on me.

Does anyone know any books on the subject of acceptance, maybe?

I think it can be as simple as saying (every time You become conscious of the thought) 'it is what it is'.

Have you looked at the 'stately
homes' threads on here? They have been going for ages, I'm sure you will find support there.

There is a toxic mum thread on the board at the moment with some book recommendations on...They also talked about breaking the cycle. I believe you are doing this already by speaking out & seeking help.

I read Wayne dyer, Louise hay, Eckhart Tolle and others and found a spiritual way of life. Obviously not for everyone but works for me.

I think it must be tempting to pin your illness solely on your mother's behaviour. Obviously, your experiences as a child have helped shape you but clinical depression is a horrible disease that can affect anyone, even when they've not been subjected to abuse. I hope your medical team continue to work with you to find treatment and medication that will stabilise your condition. I hope you can find ways to leave your childhood in the past and make different, better choices for your life and your own family in due course. Learn from her mistakes rather than believing you are condemned to repeat them.