DP and DD

[Icecreamingalot]

Posting for traffic here. Please help!

DP and DD Have had a breakdown in their relationship which used to be brilliant. One on one time, long chats but since the birth of her siblings and the onset of puberty she's flipped a switch and thinks the worlds against her. DP can't get his head around this sudden change in behaviour and can only see the acting out and he is anger. She is granted outrageously rude but at the moment on so stuck in the middle and at my wits end trying to play referee.

DD is so angry that having any sort of conversation leads to mouthing off and 'I hate you all' type attitude. We have one on one time with her, praise her achievements but it's all poor me with her at the moment and I'm at a loss how to repair off relationship with her.

Anyone else dealing with an angry preteen and a DP who can't cope with it anymore?

Your DP is an adult and needs to buck the fuck up. He might be annoyed and angry, that's understandable but he's still responsible for your DD and it's his duty to hang in there and try to repair the relationship if possible. It should absolutely not be up to you to referee.

You need to find some moment to have a calm chat with your DD, find out what's going on with her. She sounds unhappy.

Thanks for replying.

She says she's jealous because of the attention her siblings get. I try and give her as much of my time as possible in fact since I've been at home I spend more time with her. She also doesn't know why she's angry and just keeps saying she's hormonal. She's nowhere near ready for periods! Well it doesn't seem she is. She's trying to grow up too fast as far as I'm concerned however that's a separate issues.

I agree DP needs to sort himself out but he's another angry one at the moment. I've no idea what going on with my family at the moment as they all seem so pissed off with each other and its wearing me down every single bloody day.

I'm sick to death of being stuck in the middle of the bickering and the sulks from both sides. LTB isn't going to happen as we are otherwise ok but seem to have hit a massive bump and need to recalibrate. It's very frustrating, tiresome and is taking a massive toll on my happiness but I even feel selfish for saying that!

What do you mean she's nowhere near ready for periods?
They come when they come. I was 9, and hormones are changing well before they start.

As you say "DP" not her father, I assume it's not her father? So as well as sibling jealousy she may be dealing with emotions of being the outsider, these younger siblings having two parents. What about professional counselling for her?

Your boyfriend needs to sort himself out though, he's the adult here.

If there is bickering between your pre teen and your adult partner it's not appropriate or fair to take the position of referee or piggy in the middle. Your the adult and it's up to you to set reasonable limits on what is and isn't ok. Your partner may not feel he can discipline her on his own.

Personally I wouldn't tolerate mouthing off or rude behaviour from a pre teen. You need to sit down with your partner and decide some rules and decide what the consequences will be if she breaks those rules.

How old is she? Sounds a lot like hormonal behaviour to me. Your partner needs to be the adult here and be supportive instead of annoyed.

she sounds sad. you need to talk to her in a calm moment and find out the real reason for this behaviour. it may be the baby partly but it sounds like there is something more here that you need to address. do not let her palm you off with the "im jealous" excuse, if it was that and you have been making an effort then her behaviour would have improved

How do I get him to be the adult?! I'm not his mother.

They are both behaving like tantrumming toddlers and whilst we don't undermine each other he makes it damn near impossible to back him up as he is as bad as her these days.

This has made me lose a lot of respect for him unfortunately.

She seems fine one minute and then regresses.

Maybe she is sad. I'll have a chat with her this evening once she's home from her mates.

The bickering really is the issue right now for me. She is incredibly rude and disrespectful and DP engages and she ends up having a full blown strop/tantrum/meltdown. It's exhausting and he draws me into it every time.

Our parenting styles are clashing at the moment and cause huge friction and I seem to be making a big mess of it with her.