Done the hard bit, now I need help with the practical stuff

[reddaisy]

So I have today finally decided to go NC with 'D'Mum, it has been a long time coming. She facilitated the sexual abuse that happened to me in childhood and takes absolutely no responsibility for it - I have never received an apology for her part in it etc (she claims she wasn't aware but the details are irrelevant now). Anyway, today I have decided that I no longer want any contact with her anymore, she adds nothing to my life - emotional support, etc, in fact I get very anxious when I know I am about to see her.

But what happens next? There was a small row today which will give me an opportunity to send a letter explaining that I am going NC or do I just leave it? What do I do about family gatherings where she will be? Do I just not go? What happens about contact with my DCs? They love her and for all her awful character flaws, she does love them too (although offers me zero support with them). How do I explain the situation to my primary school aged DC? Just say something like 'Granny has been unkind over something important and mummy will explain more when you are older?'

What are the practical next steps that I should take? I actually feel very calm about this as if I have been dancing around this decision for years. I have a very supportive DH who will support me no matter what and a lovely group of friends, some of whom know my history so I have RL support on hand. Please share your NC stories with me please, I am off to make myself a cup of tea.

Oh dear, no NC stories shared with me tonight. Hopefully there will be some tomorrow!

Has anyone got any NC stories please? They would be really helpful today.

Hi reddaisy.

I didn't want to leave you here all alone!

I haven't gone NC with any relatives, and don't know what the next steps are. But I'd say just look after yourself, and concentrate on your family. Don't make a big scene, just stop making contact. What these people usually want is something to wail about.

Give your kids something else to focus on and if asked your explanation is fair dos.

Around joint parties, you could attend if you think you will get support, but don't engage. If anything gets said, you could say 'I'm not here to argue about X, if you can't let it lie then we are leaving'.

Good luck, hopefully some others will be along soon with some more relevant advice.

I don't think you need to formalise NC. There's been a row so there's no need to be in touch. If she tries to contact you I think that's when you let her know that 'it's best that we don't contact each other again'. If she doesn't get in touch, problem solved.

Thank you both for your replies. There is a family mini break planned to France which has already been paid for by my DBro that I am thinking of - it wouldn't be very easy to leave if we did decide to go and I think there would definitely be an atmosphere. Although if I pulled out now, they might still be able to invite other family members in my place.

I think she will be in touch but not for a while so I thought sending a letter would pre-empt that and put me in control.

Even things like, should I take her off Facebook are bothering me today.

If you're serious about NC I think you have to start as you mean to go on, even if it involves sacrifices or inconveniences like cancelling holidays. Otherwise you risk blurring the lines and losing credibility

Agreed and I am serious. What about the DC? Do I let her have contact with them from time to time?

She facilitated the sexual abuse of her own child?

No, you should not allow her anywhere near your children. For their own good, and for yours - for the emotional health of your own family.

How old are your DCs? If they're quite young I would take the view that the NC applies to all of you as a cohesive unit. You've eliminated this person from your family for very good reasons and your DCs and your DH are part of that family. You're protecting them from someone that damaged you. If they ask questions, you explain that granny won't be coming around for a while... 'for ever' is a long time in kid world. If they are older children (teens) I think you approach it slightly differently, explain a little more detail, say they can choose to be in contact in the future if they wish but tell them that you expect their support and loyalty..... I think that's reasonable

They are both primary school age so a simple explanation would probably be best. She knew what was going on but pretended not to and then even when she was told continued a relationship with him until his death. I have never had an apology.