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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

do i give him up

10 replies

mynextmistake · 21/02/2015 20:48

I met this man 6 years ago and we went on a few dates and slept together after this one time we didnt see each other again as i got a boyfriend and he had other relationships but we kept in touch via text and the internet, the last few years we have met up for drinks only once or twice etc, the last 15 months we have been having sex both single now, hes always said he wants more but we are worlds apart he is also twice my age he is quite controlling he likes to be in control and says we cannot have a friendship if we dont have sex. i really have feelings for this man but i dont see him as husband material and wouldnt like to get into a serious thing with him at the moment anyway. Do you think he is using me for sex or does he actually care like he says he does.

OP posts:

BurntPizza · 21/02/2015 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChipDip · 21/02/2015 20:52

You already know he's controlling and not husband material, don't settle for this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 20:55

He is using you for sex. You know that already. Maybe you're using him for sex but, given that there is a controlling element, I seriously doubt it.

These people waste your life if you let them. If you want to be in a good relationship with someone who values you as a person and treats you with respect & as an equal then you must ditch this man immediately and go a strict no contact. All the time he is around, keeping you warm with texts and the internet, controlling you behaviour by pretending to want something real, you will have no incentive to make an effort with someone else.

Original poster

mynextmistake · 21/02/2015 21:02

He says he has always wanted us to be together and thats why we have never lost touch of we went months and years when we were both happy with other people,without contact, but he said he always wanted to be together and the last 15 months have been great, he is putting no pressure on me to be in a rel with him, he has said it may carry on. I came up with saying id like to try to be just friends with him as i really care about him but of course one day i would like to settle down with a man, im really unsure if he is the one this is when he said it has to be this sex rel or more , no just friends. its difficult because hes helped me out in the past and showed that he does geniunely care.

OP posts:

Khalisi · 21/02/2015 21:04

No, OP. He doesn't need to be your next mistake.

Make him your last/previous mistake.

Fucking sick loser.

RUN.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 21:07

He never loses touch with you because you're a 'sure thing'. You say he puts on no pressure but the pressure is him staying in touch and keeping you under control. You cannot be just friends with a man like this. He does not respect your wish to be just friends because he's not that interested in what you want. Helping you out is just sets up ideas of obligation and gratitude that he can then exploit.

He will not leave you alone and I'm sorry but he will spoil anything approaching a real relationship that you even attempt to have with someone else. Any happiness you carve out for yourself, there he will be in the background making you doubt yourself.

Do you think you can't do better?

Lweji · 21/02/2015 21:10

I would say use him for sex if you want it, but as you seem to have feelings for him (god knows why) no contact is the healthier option for you.
It's irrelevant how he feels for you, if he is controlling and not husband material.

Original poster

mynextmistake · 21/02/2015 21:16

yes i have deep feelings for him which have grown over time. Like i said he said he wants a serious rel and its me that cant commit, but thats is for various reasons one being the age gap. Ive only recently thought into this him using me as i never seen it before but then a friend who knows about us pointed it out and it made me think maybe he is and then i told him that was it and he then said we cant be anything if we dont meet up for sex. I do belive him that he would like to be together properly but im really unsure if it will work we are very different people and only ever had a sex thing. Hes always been there for me and i have stupidly fallen for him.

OP posts:

SilverFishFly · 22/02/2015 09:00

Sorry but he is already manipulating you and messing with your head. He already thinks of you as his and the EA has started.

What advice would you give to a friend if she told you someone she'd been casually dating had said to her "if you want to keep on seeing me you must have sex with me". This is what he has said to you.

Its cold-turkey (no contact) or sex.

Your better then this. He's a manipulative arse. Please please please stay away from him. He'll break your heart, your spirit and your self belief.

Lweji · 22/02/2015 12:40

Think about what you want.
You presumably want a good relationship, with someone you can have children with, who loves you, respects you, and supports you.

This man is neither, and offers nothing that you want.

He will get you hooked and you won't be emotionally free to find your own true partner. Don't waste your time on him.
All and all, I'd follow his advice and break free completely.

Flip