Dp or stepdad

[feelinghothothot]

When a new Dp moves in with you and your children, how far would you expect him to 'blend' into family life. Should he take them on completely, leave you to it, contribute towards their care and upkeep? What do you all think?

For me (and I say this as someone who is in a blended family) I'd only move someone in if they could be a parent to my children just as well as I can and take just an active role. I made the mistake of marrying my first husband who kept himself so separate it was like he wasn't even part of the family and that contributed to us splitting up. My now dh is very much dds "dad" - we pool all income and split spending money equally, he takes part in all parenting decisions we make and is just as much a parent as me. We also have a toddler son now together and we treat both dc the same.

*just as active

I'd be very wary of using phrases like 'taking them on'. Makes your DCs sound like a burden and could end up with you feeling obligated or grateful in some way. You and your DCs would actually be taking on the new DP..... a probationary period to see if he fits with your family! If DCs don't get on with the DP, out goes the DP after all... not the DCs. Co-parenting has to be navigated and will change over time. Contribution to the family coffers rather goes with the territory. Even if he was just a paying lodger that would be the case.

I was very careful about dp moving in, I knew very early on he was for keeps but absolutely wouldn't have considered him moving in until he'd built a really strong relationship with my dcs.
When he did finally move in, he behaved exactly as a birth parent would, he pays more than his share of household expenses (he earns more than me) and is very involved with all aspects of the dcs lives. They don't call him Dad, they have a Dad but they absolutely think of him as loving and caring for them as though he is. I wouldn't have it any other way. Now dd is older she often talks about me walking her down the aisle, as she wouldn't know which Dad to choose
I also loathe the phrase 'taking on' it somehow makes it sound like such a burden.

What is his relationship like now with regards to your children? How would you characterise your children's relationship with your DP? Have you asked him what he thinks his role would be if he were to move in?

There is no magic formulae when it comes to blended families because the different needs and wants of individual members will determine what works or doesn't. However, both you and your DP must be broadly on the same page because divided parents rarely make a stable home.

Worst case, if you lose benefits from having someone move in as a partner, then his contribution to the household should compensate for that.
Because the state doesn't see it as two separate families, but a single household.

But I agree with the others. If a new partner wouldn't consider us all as his family, I wouldn't want him to move in. (and I say this as a potentially higher earner than him)
If I was moving in a partner with children, the same would apply.

It very much depends on the child, I think - I'm not sure how much influence a parent can have.

My DD has two stepparents, who are equal in her life (50:50).

DDs Dad views his DW as equal to me in DDs life, and delegates a lot of his parental responsibility onto her; but DD doesn't see her that way. I'm not sure what her stepmum thinks, but DD doesn't consider her stepmum a "trusted adult". I've tried encouraging it as DD is in her stepmums sole care on occasion but it seems that their relationship is limited to practicalities.

I've always been of the "my DC, my problem" pov, and never expect anything from DH, although he is brilliant and has always been willing to support me parenting her.
DD has chosen to have a close relationship with my DH (confides in him, asks for help/opinions etc) and he supports her/she accepts far more than I would expect of either of them.