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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lonely and I need some friends.

34 replies

YouKilledLucyBeale · 21/02/2015 17:00

I need some tips on how to make good friends.

I know how to make friends, I just don't know how to make friends with decent people. I have worked on myself on and off for years. I find it very difficult when I relax, to hold back personal information from people I think are my friends.

We moved to the West Midlands a few months ago and I am lonely. I am ok in my own company. I just miss having a laugh and sharing the ups and downs of friends lives and my life.

I was so lonely today I nearly got back in touch with an old friend. The last time I got in touch with another old friend, it was pretty clear there was no bad feeling from the other person, she just closed things down.

I don't have a lot of confidence left as it is, and being closed down like that, when I put in effort was tough. I don't even think she was that good a friend, I only did it out of loneliness.

There are not a lot of groups locally that are suitable for me to join. I have been to two WI meetings and the Ladies were welcoming. I wasn't able to make the last meeting.

I have been lonely for a while. I lost a lot of friends and family when I went through hard times in my life. I don't think they were genuine friends in the first place.

I was always good at making friends in the past. I can't be like this forever, I have to take the risk again at some point.

I could just do with some of your idea's on how to make good friends. I am have been successful in making poor choices of friends in the past and I don't want to do that again.

OP posts:
rumred · 21/02/2015 17:21

Behave as you'd want a friend to. Enjoy others company, be fair, be kind and be forgiving - within reason. Don't overdo seeing someone, meet people halfway and don't share deeply personal stuff until you know someone pretty well.

These would be my tips. I am blessed with good friends and acquaintances. The forgiveness thing has been key esp in long friendships

rumred · 21/02/2015 17:22

Be absolutely completely yourself also, never present a facade or act.

Original poster
YouKilledLucyBeale · 21/02/2015 17:35

I always have been myself.

I used to enjoy the company of others, I think part of the problem was I was too kind and forgiving. I am not someone who see's loads of friends, I am too tired for all that, I have an invisible disability that nobody was aware of until recently.

When is the time when you know someone pretty well? I am a bit of a contradiction, some things I don't share at all and some things I overshared. The friend I was going to contact once described me to others as someone who didn't share everything at all.

OP posts:
alicemalice · 21/02/2015 17:45

Try meetup.com and just see how it goes. Most people on there are just looking to meet other people and make friends.

FructoseTart · 21/02/2015 17:49

Where abouts in West Midlands OP? I'm the same, don't have many friends at all. Can hardly fall out with myself in my eyes Grin

Original poster
YouKilledLucyBeale · 22/02/2015 11:50

Where are you Fructose? maybe you can tell me in a pm?

OP posts:
TheMumatron · 22/02/2015 12:19

I'm in the west mids too...! :-)

Similar situation and as I said on chat, having a bit of a downer about it all lately. Have met lots of mummy acquaintances, but feel I've lost and no longer have real friends.

ChilliAndMint · 22/02/2015 13:13

West Mids too, Pm me?

BuzzardBird · 22/02/2015 13:19

W.Mids too. :)

Original poster
YouKilledLucyBeale · 22/02/2015 14:09

I sent you a PM, Chilli. I don't know if you want one Buzzard?

OP posts:
alicemalice · 22/02/2015 14:22

I feel all warm and glowy reading this Smile

BuzzardBird · 22/02/2015 15:43

Nothing to lose Lucy :)

BuzzardBird · 22/02/2015 18:19

Thanks Lucy. Wish you were all closer.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 22/02/2015 18:32

I understand about the friends issue.
I think its hard in this day and age. People are finding it hard to trust people I think and it builds up a lot of barriers.
I have tried to make many friends since I moved to the midlands. I would advice that you don't open up about yourself too soon, that you have boundaries on how often you see someone and don't be taken advantage of e.g.looking after friends children all the time so lo has someone to play with I have come across a couple of those!!!

EEEEEEEeeeeeeeee · 22/02/2015 19:50

www.meetup.com

AWholeLottaNosy · 22/02/2015 20:11

I'm also in the West Mids. Moved back here from London to care for my dad who has dementia. I've felt pretty lonely too at times. If you can get to Birmingham, there is a great selection of meet up groups you can join, comedy, movies, food or just socialising.

ChilliAndMint · 22/02/2015 21:43

On the whole I find Midlanders to be very friendly, open and approachable.
There is a massive cultural diversity and an acceptance of the differences that extends to all age groups.
I have live in other parts of the UK, but nowhere else comes close to the friendliness I've encountered here.

BuzzardBird · 22/02/2015 21:56

You are correct Chilli :)

FructoseTart · 23/02/2015 19:28

Yes im in the cv area

flora717 · 23/02/2015 20:29

I'm in the West Mids too. Personally I find the locals where I am to not be very welcoming and I've experienced a little racism (i am not even a member of this race/ religion so not sure whether that is the right word. This probably skews my point of view ) but this has happened in 3 districts around the CV area Confused.
However, I have made some lovely friends who have also found themselves in the Midlands.

flora717 · 23/02/2015 20:32

I met friends by 'networking'. I did what you thought about. I trawled my old friends for a local connection. Met them, got them to drag me along to various things until I started to get to know people on my own terms (For which I am very grateful GJ). Wink

Original poster
YouKilledLucyBeale · 23/02/2015 20:49

I think I understand what you are saying.

We have been shocked at some of the behaviour, that is not challenged. Confused Sad Angry Shock. It is just accepted that it is ok to behave like that. It is like travelling back 20 years in time. We have seen a lady on a bus be abused due to her skin colour, heard people speak unpleasantly about people from mid or eastern Europe, and refer to someone as a wheelchair bound cripple.

OP posts:
FructoseTart · 23/02/2015 21:00

Here here flora. Where I live now I'm lucky. It's very multi cultured around here and everyone is lovely. In another cv area I was horrified at the racism towards one neighbour who was pakistani. She was one of the loveliest people I have ever met and brought me food round every nightSmile

I do tend to keep myself to myself though. Being young 20s I find it hard to mix with people though.

flora717 · 23/02/2015 21:15

There are some great clubs. You might find some gems! I'm so glad you have a lovely neighbour. I've lived in various places over my, errrr crikey 14 years, around the place. One thing that has kept me here is a wonderful Indian lady who took great care of me when my life took an unexpected turn. She lived a few houses away. She always wants me to try her cooking. I've even travelled with her and her good friend abroad. Lovely woman. Truly amazing (actually she has an OBE but that's a whole thread!).

flora717 · 23/02/2015 21:17

As a young 20's have you thought about the extended learning at Warwick or Coventry Uni? Doing that means you could also access some of the student societies.