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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much am I entitled to?

23 replies

bambi07 · 21/02/2015 11:47

Hi all, serial lurker here just wanted to hear your opinions on my situation because I am being told that Im being unreasonable but I think I have a valid point.

I will try to keep it brief.
OH and I have been together for 15 years and lived together for 13. We moved into the house he inherited at a very young age, when we didnt have much money and the house was just a shell (not even a toilet!). Over all the years we have turned the house into our lovely home at considerable cost as it's a very old house. Anyway he is always telling me that if anything happens to him he will be leaving the house to his younger sister as he wants it to stay in the family, unless I have his babies then it will be theirs. It is actually quite complicated because his family are withholding the deeds just incase I get my grubby hands on it, even though it was specifically left to him in a will (not sure how all this works really). I have argued this in the past but have given up really because it causes so much stress.

Anyway the real issue I have is that there is a piece of land next to the house that another family member owned, not very big but a nice bit of land nonetheless. I came home from work one day and was informed he was buying it and had paid a deposit. Bearing in mind I was working full time and the main earner, I was furious that he had made such a decision without even considering running it past me. It was a substantial amount of money. He claimed he needed to because the family member was threatening to sell it to someone else and as my OH says he wanted it to stay "in the family". Huge arguements ensued. Anyway the plan went ahead to buy it and in order for us to save the money I had to take control of all the bills and running costs and ALL his money was used to save for the full amount, bar a substantial loan from my DM to pay on time.

The time came to sign it over and low and beyhold I am nowhere to be seen on the deeds and shortly after I overheard a conversation between him and his family that he should make a will to ensure should anything happen to him, his family get the land and not me. Again huge arguements ensued. My only arguement is that he wouldnt have been able to buy it without me, regardless of whos actual money was used, I earn a lot more money than him and if I didnt he would never be able to save that much. He does not understand why I'm so angry about it and even acuses me of sounding like I'm very greedy, with a "what's in it for me" attitude and I say damn right!

Anyway it came up again yesterday when we were with his family and talk was all about "his land", apparently all the work Iv put into it mean nothing because Im not family, despite being 9 months pregnant but its ok because the baby will get her share now. Am I entitled to feel pissed off even by this attitude? I of course would leave everything to my baby but I would leave it to OH in the assumtion that he will make the best choices for them both.

Am about to bring this up again but wanted outside opinions to ensure I have clarity of thinking. Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 21/02/2015 12:01

Wow. So you can bear a child of his and build a home and buy land for him but you're not entitled to anything? What are you, a chattel, an employee, a brood mare?

I take it you're not married. In which case, you will get nothing when the relationship breaks down (and the way he sounds, it will, and with respect, I think it should - where is the love, respect and support in this relationship?).

Why are you with this man? He has shown you what he thinks of you. You're not even family.

Auburnsparkle · 21/02/2015 12:02

If you aren't married you don't get anything automatically. I think you would have to fight tooth and nail legally and would probably have to prove how much you invested in the home. You need legal advice really.

Original poster

bambi07 · 21/02/2015 12:39

I have always assumed that would be the case in terms of legal advice. I just dont understand where this attitude comes from, I have done an aweful lot for him and his family and have never asked or expected anything in return and with his crazy bunch it has been tough.

I know everyone says this but I love him a lot and the rest of our relationship is a total contrast to this situation. We have a lot in common, we laugh a lot and have full and happy lives both together and seperetely. I have a medical condition which he does so much for and is very giving in every other aspect of our lives.

I am going to discuss with him what would happen to me should something change for us and see if he can understand where I am coming from, I think he is very pressured by his family, they are an odd bunch with very old fashioned and strange ideas. We are engaged but no date set, guess what his family is not particularly supportive and often discuss with him that there's no need to get married, shock horror! I will also discuss this with a family member of mine who is a solicitor and see where I stand legally or any steps I can take to protect myself. I am hoping to get through to him though but am prepared to stand my ground a little more, I will get the facts first. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

Auburnsparkle · 21/02/2015 12:53

I guess the easiest way to protect yourself is not discuss with him at all and just get married. Him being so under the thumb of his family is v concerning.

Quitelikely · 21/02/2015 13:06

I would marry him. End of.

You say he is great but he is only great on the condition that you keep pumping your salary into his house.

I think you are being very naive here. Despite years of earning a very high wage you have got nothing to show for it. Zilch. Nada.

Quitelikely · 21/02/2015 13:09

Even if you did marry him I'm certain that he would have you sign a pre-nup.

DeckSwabber · 21/02/2015 13:20

OK - so you are engaged.

I'd say you want a date or you'll stop supporting him in any way.

But you should also get legal advice - maybe go to a lawyer together.

Ouchbloodyouch · 21/02/2015 13:22

Oh dear... you are not entitled to anything. If he won't marry you cut your losses
You could pump £000's into his project and still be entitled to nothing. Stop spending on anything other than your bills. If you did split up and were to be awarded anything you'd have to spend a fortune on solicitors to get a paltry sum in return.

DrElizabethPlimpton · 21/02/2015 13:23

Even if you chose to stay with this man (I wouldn't if I was you) I suggest you look at buying a property in your own right - if it is at all possible, so you have some security in the future. I think you might need it sadly.

Ouchbloodyouch · 21/02/2015 13:23

Oh my goodness your mum loaned him money too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 13:43

It's clear that you are not seen as part of the family and that's a massive insult. If you marry him tomorrow all the assets you mention will be regarded as having been pre-owned by him prior to the marriage and, as such, you won't have any claim on them in the event of a divorce for quite some time. In terms of inheritance, marriage does confer a certain kin status but he could quite easily and totally legally make a will that bypasses you completely I favour of someone else.

In your shoes, therefore, I would be taking fairly urgent legal advice. I would also be separating all my money and having any and all contributions to properties etc fully documented before it is conveniently forgotten.

CitySnicker · 21/02/2015 14:00

Is there a mortgage? Do you pay him 'rent'? Did you pay twds the refurb of the property?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/02/2015 14:13

You're being taken for a ride, and have been for some time. I dunno why the scales didn't fall from your eyes at the time this land was being bought but you've been done up like a fucking kipper. And so has your mother.

You need to marry and stay married for at least a few years to be entitled to anything should you divorce later. If the family have "kept the deeds" then the property probably isn't even owned by your partner, and likely never will be. Have you checked the entry for the property on the Land Registry site to establish precisely who owns it at the moment? Dong so will cost you about a fiver.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 14:15

Paying towards refurbishments, unless it was fully documented at the time, won't count for anything. Unmarried partners, unless they are scrupulous about keeping records of their contribution towards the assets belonging to the property owner, and unless there is an agreement that they are investors, sadly do not have many more rights than a paying lodger.

The cynic in me would say that is why all of these things have been signed off prior to a wedding. The phrase 'stitched up' springs to mind

Original poster

bambi07 · 21/02/2015 14:15

No mortgage but I do have savings that I keep seperately from joint things and was very tempted to use them to put towards a house ghat a good friend is selling and would sell to me at a slightly reduced rate and I could rent that out as my own asset.
My DB is phoning me later to discuss ways to protect myself in the future but I will still have the conversation with him, not necessarily about what I'm planning to do but to see if he can see it from my POV before I proceed.

I can understand your comments about leaving but whatever the future holds I will focus on providing myself and baby with cover first and then worry about the rest. Thank you again. X

OP posts:

mix56 · 21/02/2015 14:18

get legal advice. It doesn't look good to me.
Personally I would give him an ultimatum, he must at least put your name on the land deeds. You have paid for the renovations, the property is part yours,
have you got the bills ?
actually I would leave, & see if he gave a toss. if he cares about you & your baby, then he will come & work it out.
You CANNOT accept this

newstart15 · 21/02/2015 14:31

I will focus on providing myself and baby with cover first and then worry about the rest

The idea about buying the house is a great, unless you are married you will need some additional assets. I recall having my 1st dc and the shock of how vulnerable I felt, until you have a baby it's hard to comprehend. Don't assume you will be able to resume your career at the same pace and speed.

My last DC was incredibly hard work, a non sleeper for years and this made my ability to earn money very tough/impossible and I had to go part time which made my career very difficult.

I wish you well for the birth of your baby - it's a wonderful time and I hope your partner will be supportive. (Don't however lose sight of protecting yourself)

Original poster

bambi07 · 21/02/2015 14:36

Just to clarify, my savings are from my inheritance when dad died and DM has been fully paid back for the loan by us both. At the time of the loan I assumed I would be on the deeds.

I am thankful for your honest responses as a small part of me assumed he might have a point and his family.

He has a deeply unhealthy relationship with family that stems from domestic abuse, emotional abuse and controlling behaviour something that he recognises and works hard to overcome. He has made great progress with this but there is still room for massive improvement.

OP posts:

Original poster

bambi07 · 21/02/2015 14:40

Thank you newstart I was starting to worry about work post baby. It is what has spurred me on to think about all this again. X

OP posts:

professornangnang · 21/02/2015 14:44

You're being treated horrendously. Think about it...he doesn't care enough to share everything with you. That is not a partnership. You should insist on a registry office marriage asap and if he won't do it, cut your losses and go. Don't put any more money into this.

Ouchbloodyouch · 21/02/2015 14:54

You really do need legal advice.. and I am pulling out this wildly random hypothetical here but as mentioned up thread what if he doesn't own the house and land? Or if he owns it with family? Then you go and buy a property. Then you marry him. You might get half of nothing and he get a share of YOUR property.

Ouchbloodyouch · 21/02/2015 14:56

If you divorce that is...
I don't think its a matter to leave over. But I would not be paying another penny other than your fair share of bills.

Original poster

bambi07 · 21/02/2015 16:26

You make some good points Ouch, things I hadnt considered and really should. I think he would be really upset if I did make such a decision/purchase without including him, which might make him think. I have kept my inheritence seperate for that very reason, he hasnt argued but I think he would want in on any big purchases I make and I obviously would point out the hypocracy.

I will bring this up when I speak to DB about how to protect myself, if there is any option with that. Thank you.

OP posts:

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