Is there anything I can say to my friend before she gets back with her abusive P?

[NannyHat]

My friend has been in an emotional abusive relationship for the past 5 years. They recently had a massive argument and he left, at first she was determined that it was over, he got a shock as he was expecting her to beg forgiveness.

He has bombarded her with texts, FB messages etc. He made threats to kill, call social services etc. in the last week he has changed tactic and is being nice, saying he knows he shouldn't say these horrible thing, he's mentally ill, he can't help it bla bla.

She is now on the verge of getting back together, and I feel so helpless, I feel I should do something but I don't know what!

Didn't want to read and run, that must be so scary for you and probably her in the sense that the sheer level of harassment, she probably knows it will get worse before it gets better. Has she contacted the police re: the threats

No she won't call the police, she says "he doesn't mean it". I think she does know he won't change, but she seems to think her situation is unique and nobody understands. But from what I've read on here and websites like women aid, he's a textbook abuser.

I'm scared he's going to make her pay for these last few weeks, once he's got a foot in the family home.

This is a tough one. There is nothing you can say to make her do what you think she should do, as her actions are hers alone to decide.

However.

You can tell her where you stand. For example: you care for her and will always be there for her. The best thing you can do is to keep lines of communication open with your friend. But only do what you are comfortable with: you don't need to stay quiet about his mistreatment of her, or to accept to be in his presence if you don't want to. But she won't make any changes on your say-so. Only if and when she is ready.

Unless there are children involved, in which case you should act to protect the children (SS...).

I have a friend in a similar situation. I've never told her what to do, but did encourage her to speak about her feelings, and told her how unacceptable I found her boyfriend's behaviour. I made sure never to invite him to my home, even if it meant leaving my friend out of events - that was my limit. I watched with sadness for years while she excused his behaviour, tried hard to conceive a child with him, etc. And just this weekend, she has told me that it's over: in those years when she was excusing him, she had also bought "Why Does He Do That?" on my recommendation from loooong ago. The message came through, now, because now is the time when she is ready. I am pleased, of course, but mostly I know that any change could only come in her own time.

I think the same is true with your friend.

Does your friend have children? You can't save someone from making a poor decision if it only affects themselves. You can flag up the risk if there are children involved that could be harmed as a result

Hello Nanny

You can help your friend see the good points & the bad points/ pros & cons

Ultimately, it is your friends life & their decision

She may be afraid of being on her own, so offer your support

Some people get addicted to the "drama of relationships" & cannot see a better way of life

Sometimes it takes a few splits, before that "light bulb moment" when a final split takes place

Ask her what would make her happy

Sometimes you have to go through some pain, to get a better life in the future

Good luck