after effects of abusive relationship?

[turbonerd]

I posted before about abusive ex and his contact with the children. I moved country with them, going home, and he comes on hols to see them. He stays at a holiday flat.
He came twice in the summer, for all Autumn half term, and despite me saying a week was Max, for two weeks for xmas. He denies what he has done, twists and turns the truth. I got ill after xmas from dealing with him and told him I would not see him anymore and that the contact had to be sorted properly. Went nc and engaged a solicitor. Ex booked ten days for the winter half term. My solicitor neglected to email him and prevent him showing up, so now he is here.
I'm sticking to my Guns, no contact until settled by court. I feel so ill. Is this normal? He was arrested nearly two years ago.
We accidently Drove past him a couple of days ago. I just cant function very well now.

If his presence causes you anxiety then feeling ill could easily be a symptom. Do you have anyone backing you up? Any friends you can lean on for support? If you are frightened of him and belive yourself or your child to be at risk, do involve the police.

Do you think he is a danger/abusive to your dc's? I ask because otherwise your unilateral decision for them to have no contact with him may well count against you in a family course scenario.

That being said, I know how awful it is dealing with an abusive ex. How it can mess with your mind and health whilst tying you up in knots.

Is there anyone elsewho can facilitate his contact with the dc's for you while he is here? A friend or relative to take them to and from?

If he is no danger to the dc then your decision to literally 'drive on by' their father could have an adverse affect on your relatinship with them further down the line.

He tells them lies, messes with their heads saying he only put his hands gently round my neck when they know it was very hard, says he wants us to be a family again, says to them he wants more children-two at least-ewith me. We have been separated nearly two years.
He told me he did not strangle me, that the bruises were because I bruise easily, and that I lost my voice cause I was shouting so much after him. He says he sat me down on the stairs, but that is a lie because I sat down as I knew he had to let go then as I did the same last time he strangled me. He held so tightly it nearly broke my jaw and it was very painful.
He has prrviously apologised but is now backtracking. He did this once before (I had gone back to him) and ut nearly broke my mind as he went on for years, distorting reality.

It got to me really bad this time. And my thought is to protect my kids from him messing with their heads too.

Lost a bit of post, have got rl support,it just swirls in my head now and I cant bother them with it all the time.

Was the assault reported to the police at the time? Is it on record that he is a violent man?

Yes, it is all on record. I think it should go well in court in terms of getting supervision as a condition for contact. All the right services are involved, I spent all last Autumn going to meetings and documenting his effect on the children and seeking help for them. The school/nursery is involved, so is social services and psychologi spesialist as my DS2 has had very strong reactions.
It feels like the aftermath is hitting me. I should be collected and calm, but when I saw him the other day my heart raced and I felt so scared I got naseous. It is like everything he did came back in a crash, I just could not function very well. It is better now, had some time with friends and family.
Has anyone else experienced this so long after?
It has taken quite a while to get my head around what he has done.

There is such a thing as post traumatic stress. Sometimes in the immediate aftermath of a crisis sheer adrenaline carries you through. Only once you've had chance to relax and reflect does the enormity of the danger you were in - and you could have so easily been killed by strangulation - hit you.

I would say it is entirely normal and probably seek medical advice.

Are you in touch with womens aid? They have been a great support to me and can offer free counselling and Childcare might be worth phoning your local branch.

Hi
I'm sorry to hear you feel like this. I would say it is normal, of at least, I went through it too. My ex was abusive (we have five yr old dd). We gave been apart two and a half years now. However, although I was a mess when we first split, it was only during counselling (which started 18months later) when I stopped being in denial and acknowledged all that had been wrong in the relationship, that I started suffered really badly. I too, was shaky, nauseous, heart racing etc. I had this for a long time and posted on here for advice. This is better now but I still suffer from depression and this is because I too, see ex, still don't feel 100% safe, and don't feel all is resolved enough for me too move on.

Not meaning to hijack your thread, just to say that I have/do experience similar and ptsd has been mentioned for me too.

It does get better though x

No worries about highjacking pumpkin, thanks cogito and timmy. It was a huge rush of adrenaline after he was arrested I Guess. I had the kids, trying to move, possible courtcase. Then we moved and my daughter had to be assessed (ASD diagnosis, took a year) and the older kids and work and all new stuff.
I suppose now its hitting home, the impact of it all. Will just have to ride it out. I refuse to break now, the Fucking wanker will NOT win this.