For how long were you at least mostly happy in an abusive relationship?

[pleasemakeitbetter]

I'm asking because whenever you read explanations as to why women (or anyone really) stay in abusive relationships, it's things such as fear, the practicalities of leaving etc that tend to be most commonly listed, and yet, from reading mumsnet I have come to believe that a lot of women are at least mostly happy in abusive relationships for many many years, and it can take decades before the abuse becomes bad enough to tip the scales. I also have a few friends who I am pretty sure are in abusive relationships and while there are definitely strong elements of unhappiness in there, I actually get the impression that they see their relationships as more happy than unhappy. A lot of women are also devastated when their marriage breaks down and it is only after seeing their ex partner in a new light that they come to realise he was abusive all along. But they surely wouldn't be devastated if they didn't perceive themselves to be happy in the first place? Please shout at me if I am coming across as a victim blamer or anything else along those lines. I'm just trying to understand the psychology. I have been in an abusive relationship myself but I decided to leave after only a few months. I'm guessing I might have stayed had the abuse been a smaller percentage of the entire relationship.

I suggest you read more if you think they are happy for many many years. That is such a sweeping generalisation.
There are so many different types of abuse and in the beginning it can be so subtle that you let the incident go, put it down to him (or her) being tired stressed whatever. The majority of the time they are playing up to there wonderful facade.
Also you can become invested very quickly in a relationship if you have been 'love bombed' look it up. Once high on oxytocin you can have real feelings of 'love' and once you are hooked the relationship can become skewed pretty quickly.
I had a terribly abusive (mentally) boyfriend I was only in the relationship for 9 months and I honestly believe that if I hadn't done some searching on the internet I would not have recognised it as abuse. I believe the search term I used was why does he blow hot and cold?
Well my goodness were my eyes opened. I realised he was an abuser and was not going to change. Fwiw I had very poor self esteem when I met him and he promised me the world.
I have far far better boundaries now.

It is a cycle of abuse, you get him treating you badly then the next moment he is being nice, and it is like you forget about all the bad things he did the day before. The way my marriage ended was he started acting horrible to me all the time, I begged him to leave and he finally did. I was still in that cycle though and I would have wanted keep trying with our marriage (with us living apart) but he wanted me to accept all the blame which I refused. 3 months on we are both seeing new people and are much happier apart.

I wonder if he will abuse the new woman, his got take his anger out on someone surely.

I wasn't happy. But the Internet didn't exist then, let alone Mumsnet, to explain to me what was happening, so I stayed and kept trying to fix it and lived for the 'up' times.

It was 8 years of relationship (4 years of marriage) before I admitted to myself that I wasn't happy. Another 2 years before I actually gave up and tried to leave the first time. Finally got away one year after that.

I was in such a relationship for 6 years and i was happy to be there for about 2. I think a lot of women stay because they look to the past. 'he was so perfect then' and it seems mad to throw away soneone who was once so amazing. You keep putting your current misery down to other things: he's stressed from work. We've just moved house. The new baby is a pressure. Money is tight etc.
You also start to believe that its you not him and if you changed here and there it would fix things.

In another bad one I was with him for a year, took me 6 months to leave because i felt I needed a better reason to dump him than just 'you are horrible to me' because besides being horrible need say lovely things. Solovey dovey one minute, kinda nasty the and rude next.

I was with him 2.5yrs. In that time i left him 3 times, but each time i left i got hoovered back in because i was weak. It took me 6mths of trying to finally leave. Its only been 2weeks since i left him this final time, but it feels different and i feel a lot stronger. I've gone no-contact and so far its been a okay - i don't miss him or his narcissistic ways at all, i do think about him a lot but their allways negative / angry thoughts about how he emotionally manipulated me and how stupid i was to think i could change him.

I never have to see him or speak to him again and this floods me with such a sense of relief. I will have to text as he owes me £3k (yes i stupidly lent him this! & yes i just handed it over without drawing up a legal agreement or getting anything in writing - stupid stupid stupid). And i some of my furniture is at his house. But i can't even face the thought of texting him yet, that can wait till next week.

The first year together he was mr perfect, so kind, caring, thoughtful

Then it started and I started excusing him

Didn't want me to go out with my friends -it was because he wanted to spend more time with me

Didn't want me to take a new, more high powered job -it was because he worried how stressed I was

Spoke to me like I was something he stepped in -he was depressed, that wasn't the real him

Pressurised me into having sex -well men have needs don't they, all relationships are like that...

Until we'd been together 8 years I always said I was much more happy than not
At 10 years I admitted I was much more unhappy than happy but it took another 3 years for me to gather the courage to leave

Looking back I should have realised in the 2nd year what was going on but he'd made so sure that my self esteem was so wrapped around him I was blinded by him

Agreeing with others about the fact that abusive relationships are often cyclical. Many victims confuse the cessation of abuse for kindness.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have been out after a week with my second husband!

My first husband, I would never had touched with a barge pole. I never even liked him, let alone loved him. I always thought he was revolting, uncouth and a complete embarrassment. So why did I marry him?

Because abuse is all I have ever known, and I truly believed that that was all there was. I was told repeatedly through my childhood, that there was no such thing as a happy marriage, and if people said they were happy, they were putting on a front, and lying.

My parents loathed each other, it was violent and constantly conflictual, as were both my husbands families.

So there's your answer. It is what we learned was normal.

The fact that that so many people on these threads can see that it is possible and very desirable to create a different normality is massively encouraging, and proves that change is not only possible, but actually, increasingly common. :)

Interestingly, I can see now that I am talking about MY perspective...not what "he" did to me. That is very important. It is a feminist issue, about expectations and self definition! Not other's expectations and definitions of us as women.

I think it's "devastating" when an abusive relationship ends, not because of lost happiness, but because of lost hopes, dreams, illusions, and years of dogged (and futile) effort to make it work and end the abuse.

That's a pretty crushing loss. Even though you realise your partner was abusive and you are better off without him: you have still lost a lot, that was emotionally significant (and all-encompassing, almost).

And yes, the victim in an abusive relationship feels constant unease and unhappiness with occasional peaks of joy, but chooses to believe that it is a worthwhile relationship, so long as being in the relationship and working hard at "fixing" it remains more important to her than protecting her own wellbeing.

I was happy for about a month. Then it started being messy, but I was veryimmature being in my early twenties and I had little sense of boundaries.
Looking back he got into my head eearly, guilt tripping and twisting things. I thought he was sensitive and intelligent but alas, over å decade later with a brain addled by whisky I realised he is dimwitted and manipulative.
I stayed, had two children, went away, came back and had one more before the attacks got so vicious both me and kids were in danger.
He still does not accept that I have broken up our family (his words).
It becomes normalised, and you are told it is your fault but we will be happy the moment you change and do all I say.