my instincts are screaming at me and I know i have to listen

[ringinginthenewyearO]

On another thread OP is confused as to why a man is being so full on. This has got me thinking. I know there are men who are consistent in their behaviour. reliable. some that women here are horrified they have found out about affairs and never thought it possible of their man. There are other men who 'seem' to be interested but don't live up to the ideal relationship we want. It's all v confusing in real life when you're livingit. Black and white in the head but totally different when in the situation.
I'm looking for advice. My dp and I have been together for a few years. at the beginning of course so full on and great and naturally over time we have fallen into a relationship that works for us.
recently he has been stressed. usually i give total support but this time i have pulled back. reason is that i sometimes feel taken for granted and I wanted to see if he'd notice how self absorbed he has been. He didn't.as we don't live together right now, my decision mainly, i pointed it out after a week as i couldn't really keep going like this. i should have rode the wave as last weekend he admitted he missed me terribly when i'm not around and so in love. any woman would be confident in their relationship about that but i stupidly wasn't, i told him how when he gets like this i pull away and i don't like doing that. so to realise he needs to be a little more consistant in his behaviour. I just find at times he is up and down and it's hard. Maybe it's normal after a fewyears. But it unnerves me. (my past experience of a cheater hasn't helped my trust issues).
So my mind starts thinking what ifs. alot quieter and bland responses. not ringing much, i put two and two together and I came up with 5.
Now for the terrible part on my side. We have a mobile a/c that can be checked online, no message content, just times and numbers.
I checked, I am not proud of this at all. I hate snooping but I'm my instincts are saying something up. there was number i recognised. 3 times texted today. I recognise this number as 5 months ago he admitted a female friend/one nite date had contacted him. I asked if he was interested , he said no. I told him how this would bother me if he kept in contact as i felt uncomfortable. he agreed and deleted the number.
Now i'm in a situation where i know something i shouldn't. but he has txted her albeit only three times but who knows if they didn't agree to meet in those 3 txts. He knows i have access to a/c but i despise snooping and disgusted with myself for doing it but i also have found this information that i don't know what to do with now. I haven't spoken to him this evening and my instincts albeit highly sensitive are screaming, just run. which is horrible to do without telling him why. I don'tknow what to do and feel totally stuck and awful, but on the otherhand don't want to take crumbs when he is stressed like this and also accept he texted her when i asked him not to.
AIBU?

YANBU - you know what you know. Follow your instincts.

Yanbu! I've only snooped twice in my entire life, both times uncovered affairs. I had snooped because I knew something was up, not out of random noseyness. I believe it's the same for you. Not that there is necessarily an affair but evidence at least, of something up.

Don't stay and accept "crumbs". We're all worth more than that.

To be honest - he may be a cheater, we don't know yet.

But it's not about him. it's about you. You aren't happy, it seems.

That's the only important thing. Are you happy?

You snooped for a reason and guess what? You found something that confirmed your suspicions.

Now whether he is cheating or whether she texted him and his texts were "who is this?" "Ok, didnt have your number on my phone" "no, still not interested" is something you need to work out.

But if his behaviour has changed so much that you are picking up on it then I would think that there is more to it than just innocent "Hi how are you?" "fine, now fuck off".

The point is: it's not about him and his behaviour anymore. It's about what you want, your expectations and boundaries and really, what you want. Sorry - it does seem as though your snooping was justified.

If you can't trust him, or you aren't happy, you don't need further clarification about why its not working. Do what's right for you. Be strong! (I'm not saying what is right and wrong - its what works for you, but be honest).

I think you need to clap yourself on the back for having good instincts and for following through.

This isn't really a relationship that is going anywhere, is it?
You don't live together and he blows hot and cold, keeps you guessing like that children's song 'he loves me, he loves me not...'.
You are stressed out by this, and now you have found that he is being somewhat false to you.

I would say it is time to tell him you are not feeling it any more. You don't have to have bad behaviour confirmed on his part to end it. If this is causing you unhappiness then you have reason enough to move on.

Three messages are nothing!

Girl: Hey long time, no speak, how are you?

Man: I'm ok thanks. Hope you are too.

Girl: Yeh I'm great thanks, how's everything going for you? What have you been up to.

Man: I'm busy at the moment, I can't really talk.

Girl: No worries, maybe we should catch up some time?

Man: I'm not really sure that's appropriate. I have a partner and I'm not sure she'd feel comfortable with that so I'll politely decline the offer. Thank you. Take care.

If somebody was up to no good, I assure you, it'll take more than 3 text messages.

Ignore the texts and focus on what's actually making you unhappy.

Don't quite follow what 'female friend / one nite date' means?

Why is contact with this person important?

Thank you for responses. while i agree 3 texts really don't mean much it's just building a scenario in my head and I can't help it. Rationally i'm telling myself the last week was stressful for him so i can't expect him to be 'normal'. i have days where i'm run off my feet and might come accross less attentive. The female friend was someone he met and went for drinks when we broke up for 4 weeks. we got back together and we discussed it. So for this to pop back just makes me uncomfortable.
i know i can be irrational in my thoughts and decided someone is guilty without evidence by piecing things together. i hate that i do this and i do work on it and certainly unfair to the other person. i think i'll be like this in every relationship in my life no matter who it is. when it's good it's great but if they cool i worry. but i have to look at what's bothering me like you all say and think is this good for me. i was so happy and everything great and just this week i feel there is an elephant in the room and i can't put finger on it. no way will i discuss this with him. he will tell me i'm over thinking even if he was guilty.
maybe i am, this morning he texted me very early with chit chat. although we contact regularly not ususally this early,i assume he is on his way home from a night out and feels guilty!! see?

I think you are right to be suspicious. He dated her whilst you were on a break, you got back together and yet he still contacts her? Hmmmm

How long after you getting back together were the text messages sent?

It doesn't sound like this relationship is worth bothering with. Bin and move on, and remember that it's better to be single than to be with a man just for the sake of not being single.

Instincts aren't there for no reason. Don't feel guilty about snooping he was wrong to send any messages. Maybe if you check tomorrow there will be more or maybe there won't but you don't trust him.

We all feel up and down but we don't all take that out on a partner. If your not happy it's time to move on.

A break isn't split up so I understand how you feel he did betray your feelings before with this woman so I wouldn't be happy either.

I think that it sounds like you want to end things and are looking for an excuse.

There doesn't seem to be anything overtly that has made you suspicious nor have you found anything particularly incriminating.

The start of your thread states that you feel taken for granted and unappreciated. That your dp is self absorbed. If this is how you feel and you're unhappy...those are enough to finish things.

I think you could be reading more into it than there is. Maybe suggest the three of you meet for a drink or something so you can meet her and put your mind at rest? If he says no then that would ring alarm bells - friends you aren't allowed to meet smells of fish...

If he knows you have access to the account then how is it snooping ?

any - well it isn't snooping as such as we both have access obviously but i still wouldn't like someone checking up on me. it gives an impression of suspicion which is never healthy.

aunti d - i have no desire to meet the woman. i wouldn't gain anything from that. it is to do with me and him and not her.

gilded- i agree there is a part of me that sometimes wants to be right, maybe it's a little control thing in me from history that i want to be able to justify any thoughts i have. that's not good though as sometimes i can overthink things. but yes i do at times feel unappreciated. but he would argue i only have to discuss this or tell him etc. i like to think i wouldn't have to. maybe i'm being unreasonable here. how is he to know?

solid - totally agree and i have been single after dd's dad for a long time and concentrated on myself and her so i have no fear as such of being single. but there is a great connection and compatibility with him and have had ups and downs where we do listen to each other and can overcome many normal and tough going hiccups in a relationship.

quite - it was me who ended it when we had a break. in his eyes i ended it and did not want to return and ignored all calls etc. it was a year ago. i ended it because i felt he wasn't ready for serious commitment and didn't want to take it further, i was wrong as he did explain after that he has thought about a future and has been actively working hard to provide it in time. I am very much a person who makes a decision and goes for it. othersdon't and take their time to line everything up before they are 100%sure. he calms me in his dept and i seem to encourage him, so it does balance well. but sometimes i feel i have to encourage him too much. maybe i'm more suitable to someone as direct and spontaneous as myself. i just don'tknow and it's bothering me so much now that i'm looking for an excuse as i can't make a decision which is so unlike me!

OP - why don't you want to meet you OHs friend? That just seems plain odd - do you not socialise as a couple? No wonder you are paranoid...

Aunti D, she is not his 'friend'. this is a woman he met while we were broken up and he had a one night with. they haven't been in contact since, not that am aware of and now suddenly a bit of hello and contact. this makes me uncomfortable. i don't pull skeletons out of closet. they're in there for a reason and i don't look back.

Stress at work can cause subtle changes in a relationship that women pick up. If the most logical explanation to your fears right now is that things have changed slightly due to work and you've picked up on that then the best course would be to assume everything is fine, he's just stressed.

If he's having an affair, it will become more obvious, but there is no point in reacting as if he is until you have more proof.

Sometimes, my DH doesn't call me when he usually does and my first instinct is "he's having an affair" he's not, he's just working 14 hour days and can't think straight.

His selfishness is more of a problem imho.