Toxic Parents and my Daughter

[imaconfused]

I need to try and keep the story of my own childhood as short as possible but will try to fill in some details for background.

My earliest memory is of being knee high to my mother as she sobbed at the kitchen sink about that 'bastard' (my father). They failed to protect me from sexual abuse on a few occasions and because it was drummed into me by my 'father' that if I ever let anyone touch me there I was in trouble, I kept it to myself because I was bad. He repeatedly beat me up as my mother backed him up. She stood there and watched. I was told that I was stupid, that I was too stupid to do anything unlike my younger sister (the golden child). I was often told that I needed to be locked up in a mental home. When I split with my ex husband my mother was horrified that I didn't stay and put up with his shit (unlike her who allowed her ex to beat her to the point of leaving her unborn baby so brain damaged she died at birth, he left her).

Thanks to lurking on Mumsnets we took you to stately homes, I cut off my parents from my life over 3 years ago. They were awful grandparents. Obviously the background story could go on and on but I will leave that there and get to the problem. I apologise for leaving out a lot of background but if I was to write everything I would probably need to write a book.

I've now discovered that my eldest daughter is in touch with her grandmother (probably grandparents) and it hurts. Although my daughter has not come right out and told me she is lesbian/bisexual, I've known for a long time. I love and admire her enormously. My mother is making this big public show about my cousin being gay (he's the same age as my daughter and my daughter has been in touch with him for years) and coming across as being the big supportive, understanding one whereas for years I grew up with the jokes about gays/shirt lifters/being bent from both parents. As she's an adult I cannot do ANYTHING to stop her from being in touch with them but it bloody hurts. I know my mothers games, the way she sucks you in, etc. I tried to talk to my daughter and her response is that it's nothing to do with her. I've told her that they are not to be given any details about my family as they lost that right when they threatened my children.

Going nc with them was a bloody big step. I cut off extended family members in order to protect my own little family but how do I deal with my daughter having contact with these monsters. I've tried to protect her but obviously it's not been enough and it's too little too late now.

her who allowed her ex to beat her to the point of leaving her unborn baby so brain damaged she died at birth

christ almighty. May he rot in hell slowly. Very slowly.

How old is your daughter?

This situation is pretty extreme. Not sure anything will work but the only thing I can think of is to make time, a special time, to speak to her as an adult. Explain what went on. All of it (depending on her age). If she's 14 or 15 I'd tell her in a neutral, dispassionate, factual way.

Then leave her to make her own decision.

You won't want to do that. The reason why some grandparents get away with this manipulation and seduction is that people brush everythign under the carpet because they can't bear to speak ill of others. Well actually all that does is give the power to manipulative, abusive people. It's when things like this are in the open that manipulative people lose active power. By not wanting to say the bad things, it leaves vulnerable kids unprotected to the seductions.

So I do think you need to grasp the nettle and to speak (factually) about what's happened and about what manipulation is. Even if she doesn't want to listen at the time. Then leave her. Pushing further will make it worse.

Present the information, let it sink in. She will at least have both sides of the picture.

Does your DD know the full story?

No Cog. She doesn't know the full story. I thought by not telling her about my rotten childhood that I was protecting her as my own mother loved to tell me in detail about her abusive relationship with her first husband. For years I saw my mother as the victim and it's only in the past two years that I have realised that she isn't. Her second husband is my Dad. She said once that she had a great marriage because my Dad never beat her! The details are rather complicated and confusing so I apologise for the confusion over my Dad. Her first husband is the one that murdered my sister (I now call it what it is).

It is time that I told her. Unfortunately she is away in university so a sit down chat isn't possible and to be honest, I would probably end up in floods of tears and struggling to get the point across. I thought about drafting an email so that I can keep it factual and reread it a few times before sending it.

Sorry, that sounds just as confusing with all the hers referring both to my daughter and my mother. I hope you understand what I was trying to say though.

I'm sorry you had such an awful upbringing. You've done a great job bringing up your family and protecting them from your parents. Your dd is an adult and as such needs to make her own choices and mistakes. You have every right to feel disappointed and to tell her not to divulge information about you.
Rather than write that e-mail what not get some counselling to help you work through your feelings first.

I think, if you really want to protect your DD, you have to tell her the truth. Otherwise she is making decisions based on no information and that's setting her up for problems.

I want to protect my DD. She comes first. I've drafted something which was rather theraputic as I forced myself to just state facts and try to keep my emotions out of it. I'll save it for later and will get my DP to have a read first and will probably rewrite some of it/add things. Sending it will be enormously difficult because when I hit send I have to then trust that she will make the right decision (which I obviously hope is for her to not have contact but that's her choice). I've already told her not to give any information about me, my dp or her siblings and she's agreed. If she does decide to continue contact with her grandparents, it's going to put a big strain on our relationship. I will also then have to worry about my parents turning up on my doorstep at the first available opportunity to shit stir and cause trouble.

I thought by not telling her about my rotten childhood that I was protecting her as my own mother loved to tell me in detail about her abusive relationship with her first husband.

there is a very big difference between telling something factually because someone needs to know it, and offloading and weighing someone down with your emotions.

It would be best to keep the email as low-emotion as you reasonable can.

Then plan how to handle all possible options as to what will happen. If your mother tries to get back in contact, what steps can you take to handle it? If she turns up on the doorstep? (don't forget you do not have to ask her in and you can call the police if they refuse to go). Planning how to handle it gives you a measure of control over your own actions and responses. You can't control them but you can control how you handle them.

I think you may have to accept that she might choose to have some contact, but having warned her and told her the whole situation will give her a measure of protection emotionally, which is what's essential.

That's not what I want to hear Meerka but it's the truth. Time to work on some coping strategies.

Thanks everyone for all the advice.

really wish you the best OP and hope your daughter is able to see through her 'niceness' to the core of the matter.