TAAT It IS me then

[TillyGotTangled]

Oh dear

I know it's a TAAT but I am now really sad (and paranoid) after reading the AIBU about if there's lots of people you've had difficulty with then you really need to wake up and see that it's yourself.

I don't speak to my mum, only got back in contact with my dad 3 years ago after not speaking to him for about 7 years (tbf most of the tension between me and my mum now is that I made up with my dad - I stopped speaking to him about 15 when his alcoholism hit rock bottom and he was continuously abusive in our home - my mum basically felt I 'let him away with it' and an already horrendous relationship just fell apart) and my SIL can't stand me to the point I'm not allowed in their home (although a very good relationship with my only sibling). For full disclosure, in the past ten years, I've fell out with 3 really good friends (one of who was the AIBU bride a few weeks ago who asked me to be a few shades less me).

I know everyone's perspectives are different and mine is obviously advantageous to myself so really, going by that thread it IS me (to an extent at least). I really recognised some of the traits on it - over sensitive but very little tact and has form for "cutting out" people who upset me.

My defence is very simply that I have awful self esteem combined with shit social skills (see no tact, despite how much I try). I know that I bury my head in the sand when I'm upset and when I'm pushed to the limit, I just hide. I just close entirely off. I can't deal with arguments so rather than having a 'reasonable' discussion about feelings I simply avoid people and won't deal with them again.

I don't know why I'm even posting as I'm not looking sympathy, probably just to vent as reading that thread really was just like the most horrible wake up call. Maybe I'm just looking a bit of advice on how to be less of a twat....

ah, I read that thread thinking it was me too . Over sensitive and zero tolerance for twats.

I read that thread thinking it was about me too!

Then wondered how I could be a nicer person....

And have just read that post and totally see the amount of blaming others I have done.

I need

I doubt it is you, from that description TBH. If you had abuse and alcoholism as a model to learn about relationships, then what's probably happened is that you've been drawn to people with similar drama/dynamics going on.

Yes OK lacking tact can be an issue. But some of my best friends lack tact. You just have to find someone who appreciates your bluntness!

I felt the same.

meglet speaks much sense.

There is a big difference between having enough of crappy relationships with people who are supposed to love you and not tolerating their shitty, narc behaviour though.

I have recently massively fallen out with family members, well, I was actually told to get the eff out and chased out of the property, not for the first time.

I am trying to realise that THEY have the problems though, not me.

((((hugs)))) to all.

I agree with Bertie. I've cut out out a few family members because they are cunts, just because I'm the common link doesn't mean it's me who is the problem.

NoArmani

common link Yep, that's me. Not even really a link.

Sorry.

OP, are you doing anything about your awful self-esteem? I have a few people I don't bother with any more but I had some counselling for a different issue and it made me a lot more confident about my judgement.

And I like myself now which helps with everything really.

Um, I posted on your thread about your upcoming bridesmaid nightmare. They are bonkers. Back off and say your work is too stressful and you can't commit to being a bridesmaid but you can't wait to come and be a guest and celebrate. Or study plans. Or anything really. Whatever YOU are comfy with.

It's not you. You are articulate, mindful and overthink way too much:)

Look, you can't choose your family. You can choose your friends. You can unchoose them as well. Don't confuse the two groups. Many people don't see family etc and it's only the emergence of social media that encourages it, I find:)

Friends don't push to the limit. You need to be very clear on what you define as a friend. I have friends. They do not annoy me or push me. You might want to think about what you want from a friend and what you are prepared to give. Again- it's not you. Well, it might be, but you are picking the wrong people as friends:) so of course it will go wrong.

Start from the beginning, how do you make friends and why?

Thanks everyone for those posts. Those and the tiramasu helped

Lavender thanks a lot for that response. I really appreciated that. It's funny that I made the remark about 'being pushed to your limit' offhand but that's enlightening in itself that I feel some friends in the past have pushed me.

I probably make friends because I tend to like people I suppose. I have a good sense of humour but honestly, I'd say it's mainly because I'm interested in people. I really like engaging with people and would get more good from talking to someone about something/anything that they are properly passionate about even if the topic is irrelevant to me (e.g. their job/iguana hobby/where they've been etc.) rather than something superficial like the soaps IYSWIM? So I suppose people are mainly drawn to that.

I have a number of acquaintances (i.e. never stuck for someone to have a coffee with) that I've made through past jobs/uni/volunteering/hobbies. I would say I've 3 really close friends - one from school, one from uni and one from a past job that I can always go to if I need help/a shoulder (although would really only be spill all to the one from uni) and about 3 other closeish friends that I can go for nights out with/have the odd whine to about work/lovelife etc (again one from a past job, one from uni and one from school. I definitely don't do the whole one big friendship groups though as I don't like tension/bitching that tends to go on.

As arrogant as it sounds, I'm really glad I posted now as between all the responses, including Lavenders and taking the time to think about and write this response, I don't actually think I'm doing too bad.

Well deserved to you all