What did I do wrong?

[PokeyPokey]

I'm finally doing something good with my life yet I still feel like shit about evrything.

For as long as I can remember, my parents have been completely unsupportive of me. As a teenager, I self harmed and was in a long term abusive relationship lasting 4 years. On discovering I was self harming, they yelled at me, grounded me and called me a satanist.

I admit that I could be nasty as a teenager, we rowed alot and I didn't help with my attitude

I had my son when I was 20, there were complications around that and whilst they were wonderful with him and had to help me financially, they ignored the fact that I had PND and that the doctors said I had probably been depressed for several years from what I had been saying.

Throughout it all I have brought my son up with no contact from his father, held down a job and got my life together (moved into my own place, started studying towards proper career) I do still require help with childcare to allow me to do this, which my parents do, but mum continually brings it up if we argue and basically makes it clear that she only does it out of obligation and makes me grovel so that she wont withdraw from doing it. I have no other childcare options and would have to quit study and sign on so she knows I have no choice.

She is extremely volatile, she always criticises me and makes fun of me- I don't recall a time where she has ever praised me for anything. She aggressively bites my head off (and everyone else's) for no reason, we all walk on eggshells around her. She was absolutely vile to me last week, yet I have still ended up offerring to help her with several things, for which I received no thanks and she continued to be snide towards me throughout. This is a pattern that repeats itself on loop.

I had some really important tests on Monday relating to my studies and progress in my career, not a single one of my family has asked how they went.

My sister has some mental health problems, she has self harmed in the past and tried to take an overdose. My parents responded to this by allowing her to take time out of school, getting her lots of help and counselling, and tip toeing around her for what has been about two years now. I like to think I have been supportive too, where I can be. I spend lots of time with her, buy her things and take her places, I talk to her about things because I was there too and I know on some level how she feels. We are very close but sometimes I do feel there is a difference between her MH problems and her just being a bratty teenager. Often she shouts and swears at me, which if I think is something she cant help I dont rise to, but sometimes things just aren't suiting her and she is really nasty and I rise to it, so we fall out but not often. This happened a couple of days ago, the row was initiated by her and we were both nasty, but parents have chosen to side with her and havent spoken to me since it happened.

They didn't care at all when I was suffering.

I am the oldest of three, is it just that I shouldn't need their support? Maybe they just don't like/love me?

I am so low, the past few months it just feels like life is really beating me down. I am so tired of fighting to have a relationship with my family, where I feel they would just let me drop out of the picture without even questioning it, if I were to let it happen. I have thought about killing myself because I just can't mentally cope with everything life demands of me, but I could never leave my son behind, especially not at the risk of them bringing him up in their toxic environment.

I don't know what I've done to make them all so indifferent towards me. I would go NC and try to shut it all out but I can't manage without babysitters and I have no one else.

I am only in my twenties, I have a wonderful little boy and am succesfully pursuing a really wonderful career. I should be enjoying this, not wishing I could escape life by crashing my car or swallowing pills.

Outwardly, I cope fine, but inside my head is a mess and I feel like I'm failing my son because I can be moody and tired and not want to do anything with him. I don't want him to grow up with a mum who can't support him properly.

Sorry for the length of this, I don't really know what I'm asking, I just need to get it down somewhere.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Your mum sounds awful. It occurs to me that you might have been made into the family 'scapegoat'.

I think you need to consider becoming totally independent from your family - not relying on them for childcare etc. It is possible even though it seems hard. I manage as a single mum of 2 with no family help with childcare. Hard but do-able.

Once you have done that, you have the luxury of evaluating your relationships with your family members and deciding whether to continue with the relationship as it is, try to change it or go no contact.

Please don't blame yourself for being a difficult teenager. That goes with the territory of being a parent, surely?

I agree you need to try and get different childcare options. In itself that will take some of the power away from your mother (who sounds horrendous and abusive I'm afraid) Well done for studying and raising your child. It can't have been easy. You should also go to the doctors to get some counselling. Your parents should love and support you and it doesn't sound like they ever have.

I think the only thing you're doing 'wrong' is expecting things to change if you do nothing differently. I second the suggestion that you need to be completely independent of your family. Plenty of people do it, even if it involved a few sacrifices. Forge your own life, be your own person and have your parents in your life on your terms.

Accusations of 'satanism' in the face of MH sound like there is some sort of unhealthy, throwback, pseudo-religious dynamic to your parents. You can't do anything with nutters like that.

Thankyou everyone, it's comforting to hear that it might not just be me- I know what they can be like but I just always have it in my head that there must be something I'm doing to make things like this, I don't know what it is but there must be a reason?

The only way I can stop relying on them is to move to another town or quit studying and not work either. There is no childcare where I am whatsoever.

I feel like going no contact would help, but I'm not sure how to tackle it without giving up everything I have worked for so far. I don't socialise at all without DS, I only need childcare to attend college. I think my mum knows this and thats why she knows she can treat me this way.

I also don't know how I would explain to my son why we don't see them any more. He dotes on my dad, especially (who i usually get on ok with day to day, we dont argue at least).

I don't know about pseudo- religious, there has never been any religion followed in my family really, I was a bit gothic as a teenager, which I was mocked for so I think the satanic comments stemmed from there.

I just wonder why I was punished and left to it, yet they couldn't do enough for my sister, was i not worth it? Maybe I wasn't wanted in the first place, mum always preferred my brother who was born after me and she still does.

I worry that if i go to the doctors they'll think I cant cope with my son and that theyll involve social services. He is all that keeps me going I can't be separated from him. No one has any idea how I feel And i have no idea how to tell them. I'm so used to putting on a face.

Their reason for treating you this way is that they want to control you. It's a standard response by parents when children aren't doing as they are told.... I'm sure you occasionally struggle when your DS wants to do his own thing..... and abusive parents just take it to extremes. You'll have been cast as 'the difficult one' at some point and that's possibly how they'll always see you.

I'd strongly suggest that you talk to your college student services because most further education organisations make special provision for mature students, students with families and so on in the form of bursaries/grants, creches, help finding accommodation. You can be independent if you want it badly enough and push for it hard enough. You can choose a different life.

You must seek medical treatment, incidentally. Children are not normally removed from good parents with problems who are seeking help. If you're suicidal etc then you need to seek help and that's not negotiable. If Social Services are involved... why are you worried? They are there to assist families may even be able to help you move into your independent life.

I guess I'm just worried they'll think I'm not coping, which, thankfully when it comes to my son, I am.

My college doesn't have a creche but will pay for childcare, and I do have a bursary. DS is at primary school but there is no wrap around care at all, I guess I need to seriously consider moving, but that is the last thing I want and it would pile on a whole load of other stress I think.

On paper and on the surface I look like I'm doing fine for a single mum my age, but I feel like I'm at breaking point. I think about suicide but not with any real motiviation to go through with it... A bit like how someone would dream about walking out of a job they hate, but would never actually do it.

Awww to you, you've done really well, don't give up. Take the advice of cog, this is the best advice. Can you say roughly where you are? Can you imagine treating your son the way your "mum" treats you? (This may give you a clue as to who is in the wrong ie not you) sorry you are having such a bad time.

I think you do need to seriously consider moving. You know for certain that your current living situation is literally causing you serious mental imbalance. You know that for sure. Moving house has its own stresses but what would those actually be? Finding a place? Sharing with others? Finances? Moving your DS to a school with wrap-around childcare possibilities? Rather than thinking about a change in location and writing it off as 'too scary', do the research, work out the pros and cons, and see what's actually standing in the way of making it a reality.

I can only speak personally but the thing I have always found truly stressful is when I think what's happening to me is out of my control. When I am at the mercy of other people and circumstances, that is when I start to panic. Taking control by contrast, even if it's challenging and involves effort, is a lot less stressful.

Thankyou all, so so much. I don't really tell anyone how I'm feeling, for obvious reasons, so thankyou for being nice

I'm in a rural village, hence no childcare amenities. I live between two bigger towns, one I go to college in 20 miles away, the other is 40 miles away, I attend a night class there which i require overnight childcare to attend (or at least school pick up till 10pm) and hope to go to uni there.

I'm not particularly attached to the village I live in, especially as my family are on the doorstep so it would be impossible to avoid them if I do go NC. The biggest factor in me not wanting to move is DS' school. There is nothing desireable anywhere else, he has some mild behaviour issues (nothing diagnosed) and I dread to think how it would set him back being moved to a substantially bigger school where he would have less support.

Pros of moving to my college town are that they do have an excellent after school club that DS attended at nursery age, they also do school pick ups within the town. College and my work experience would be on the doorstep and I wouldn't actually require as much childcare as could do drop offs myself and probably most pick ups.

I would not be able to manage living there if i ended up going to uni (which would be 60 miles away then), so would need to move again between June and August, maybe I just need to stick it out until then?

I have resigned myself to missing out on classes next week, I'm not sure how much that's going to affect me but I need to be around for DS.

I can't bear the thought of making his life more difficult just to accommodate me. He is such a bright, kind, funny little boy and our school has really helped him focus and flourish, he needs the close attention that a small school offers.

How do I get help? The thought of walking into a doctor's room and saying anything just seems impossible. I'm so used to keeping my mouth shut and getting on with things I don't even know what i'd say.

Just walk into doctors room and take it from there. They will likely be kind and you will probably cry but it'll be a step in the right direction. The after school club sounds good and he will benefit from you being happy and autonomous xx

That's my problem- I don't think I will cry. I have been to doctors with work related stress last year and what I was saying came out stilted as if I had rehearsed it or something. I can't show or tell anyone how I'm feeling. Would it be ok to write it down?

I do feel I need to talk to someone, I have a couple of close friends but we speak over text and I don't really think they would understand

Do you think it would help at all even if you just put a timeframe on everything?

You can go to the Doctors and ask for help - yes write it down, that will take time but you've got the wheels in motion.

You can move and resort out childcare etc - yes it will take time again, but the relief of knowing you are going to do it will help.

I think you may find that once you don't rely on your parents anymore you'll get accused of taking your DS away from them... your Mum sounds toxic and your Dad the enabler

Think of it all as baby steps to escape them.

Have you approached a professional Babysitters website - they may have people on their books you could use? Some Uni students with a car who would be willing to come and do the job?

I think you are right about "taking DS away from them". I don't know if I can face the row that would cause but I wont have him used as a stick to beat me with. She openly criticises me and my parenting to DS and in front of him, but if I ask her to stop she makes out I'm being humourless and nasty. I admit that I often sit and take it just to keep the peace, but sometimes she goes too far and I snap at her to drop it, then it's my fault for causing a row. I'm never allowed to be upset about anything she does, yet I sit and listen to her criticisms and her shouting and swearing at me without ever being able to call her up on it.

I have my own car and home, really, if it wasn't for childcare and the fact that I actively go to visit, I wouldn't see them. Even my siblings only pop round if they need something. My brother and I get on ok, he has moved out and distanced himself a little too and I think he sees what they are like but he has his own life to get on with, I can't burden him with my problems.

I suppose I could get by without wrap around care for now, I'd have to quit my night class and hope that it doesn't jeopardise all I've worked for so far. I was looking forward to establishing a good career as DS got older.

I have looked at every other childcare possibility- my problem is that I am so rural. Anyone who would babysit would cost a fortune as they would need to travel a fair distance to do it.

Your DS's mild behavioural problems might stop when he isn't spending so much time with your DM.

It would be weird if her batshit behaviour didn't affect him, especially all that nastiness to you. Him seeing his mum being abused and her just taking it has got to tear him up inside.

You are staying because of DS. Try leaving because of DS instead.

Why is the night class so important? Can you do it by distance learning?

I think you do need leave to protect your DS.

Have a really good look for Childminders/Nannies/Au Pairs in the town that you could move to. Some do overnight care. Could you brother not help at all for the nightclass?

You could see it as a delay in your career not the end of getting there?

The qualification/portfolio I will have at the end of the night class is a requirement for me to get into uni after the summer. It's not available via distance learning. It only runs till April so I don't have long left which is whats holding me back from giving up.

Things have really taken a turn for the worse in the past fortnight re my relationship with my family, which is what has made me re-evaluate everything I'm doing. They have shut me out and that wont change unless I reach out to them but I can't face doing it again.

I will conent myself with doing school drop offs and pick ups myself for now, it will be better for DS and me, I can cope with compensating what I miss at college by working at home, maybe I should give myself some time to organise a plan for moving in the summer and just suck it up for now until I can get out.