Problem maintaining friendships

[well354]

I'm not sure if i'm after advice or just empathy. i have a big problem forming / maintaining close friendships with people and am not sure what to do.

I have a big group of work colleagues that I'm happy to chat with and go for a drink with but I get really uncomfortable with 1-1 friendships and people getting too close too me. At the beginning of last year i had two close friends but felt i had little in common with one of them and started to find her irritating, so I gradually let the friendship die and now never see her. I often feel the same about my other friend but as she is now my only close friend I battle on with trying to stay friends with her. However, I often just want to walk away. For example today she did something that was irritating (she sent a not very understanding text message about a problem I'm having) and this was not the first time recently. I realise that any sensible person would tell their friend that they had done something irritating but I'd prefer to let my resentment build up in silence and then just end the friendship.

I'm an only child and was very shy when younger so I don't think I learnt about the rough and tumble of friendship as a child. I also tend to avoid conflict as I have low self-esteem and am scared of upsetting people, hence why I won't tell my friend so she has irritated me several times in the few months. So really I have two problems, 1) i don't like people getting close to me, and 2) when they do get close I look for reasons to push them away. I'm also single as this is not just a friendship issue, but it's more the friends problem i want to deal with.

Why don't you like people getting close to you?

I definitely do the same as you in terms of letting things annoy me then ending the friendship when it becomes too much.

It's maybe an underlying self esteem issue. You maybe think subconsciously that you are not worthy of others affections / friendships? Or maybe you are just introverted and prefer your own company. A lot of friendships are not for life, so it is only a problem if it bothers you a lot I would imagine. Maybe you would be happy keeping friends on a superficial level, hobby buddies for example.

Were your parents sociable? Mine weren't really

I would suggest therapy to help you deal with your inability to let people become close to you. Do you feel that if you do, then they will learn about the 'real' you and not like/judge you?

I've had counselling in the past but wasn't prepared to open up and so gave up after a couple of sessions.

I have a problem forming 1- friendships because I feel inadequate as a friend, in my head I'm constantly thinking why are they hanging out with me, haven't they got better things to do, where as in a big group there's less pressure to be 'entertaining'. As to why i push people away once they are close, I think I'm afraid of being vulnerable / hurt and i'm not prepared to let people see any imperfections in me. Because I walk away when people start to irritate me, I expect others to do the same to me.

Maybe try another counsellor? FWIW I prefer my own company too or those of a few selected friends ( am very picky) but what you describe is feeling not worthy whereas I think my self esteem is pretty good. I think CBT is recommended to help change thought patterns.

Interesting topic. I can really relate to this.

I consider my partner (of 12 years) my best friend, and I also have 2 close female friends (I've known both from childhood). I meet up with one every 2-3 months, the other I haven't seen for a year but that's normal for us and we speak on the phone. I tell them everything and we know each other the way siblings do.

I also have about 10 old friends who live long-distance, we meet up a couple of times a year, but to be honest I probably wouldn't make the effort if they didn't chase me or invite themselves to stay. They're lovely people, I care about them and enjoy their visits, but I drift off-radar. It would never occur to me to visit them unless I have to or my partner wants to- I find staying at friends' houses very stressful and usually book a hotel if we do go to see them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being like this, we're all different and have different social needs. But I am aware it's not the norm.

I have lots of casual friends at work... people I chat to, banter with, giggle with. But when they get too close outside of work I push them away automatically. If they're persistent over time I sometimes invite them round, go out for a meal, talk on the phone. I'm happy to share all sorts of personal information with them, have intimate discussions and I'm a good listener... but I don't have any expectations from the friendship or invest in it. If they want to meet too often I get anxious. I draw the line at letting them stay over, or meeting up at weekends. I'm not comfortable enough in their prescence and I often find myself making excuses. I know I've hurt some women by being unavailable.

I'd love to be more comfortable with new friends and enjoy social interaction more. But at the same time I'm not unhappy with my social life.

What do others think about this? Should I make more effort? How do you learn to feel comfortable around new friends? If they get too close, is there a way to set boundaries without rejecting them completely?

The main question is it really a problem for you or does it feel like a problem because you are comparing yourself to others. If you prefer to not be intimate with people, that's absolutely fine if that's your choice.

Not saying you have a Cluster B personality disorder but you may have traits and even if you don't reading round it may give you food for thought.

Try a cluster B personality disorder test and see if you find anything you identify with. There are loads online if you google.

eg.

similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

You spoke about having counselling but not wanting to open up. Did you have any experiences as a child where someone who was supposed to be safe, your caregiver/parent, taught you through their behaviour that being close to others was dangerous? That you cannot trust other people because if you let yourself be vulnerable to them, they can hurt you?

I'm finding this thread very interesting, too.

What are your parents like? I grew up in a volatile household which left me with low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I was constantly berated and my opinions and feeling belittled and that left me, for a long time, thinking I had nothing of interest to say and added no value to conversations and friendships.