Best way to go about it?

[King1982]

Back story: I had a casual, mutually unexclusive, relationship with a woman. It was based on a fairly good friendship.
It probably lasted about a year or so. About 6 months or so after the relationship had ended, she sent me an email out of the blue. Our contact at that point was none existent, not deliberate, more circumstantial.
Anyway, the email said that she was pregnant and that I was the father. She explained the dates to me. Admittedly, I didn't have children and didn't really have any understanding of how conception dates worked or how they are calculated. We always used condoms but I know they can split or tear or be faulty.
After about 2 weeks of being in complete shock. She wanted to keep the baby. I got my head around it, explained what was happening to friends and family. Bit the bullet and started planning for the fourth coming birth.
I bought everything we could possibly need and some luxury things we probably didn't need. It was both our first child so everything was needed to be bought. We were all set and ready to go.
Coming up to the birth, friends of mine and hers, had started making noises that maybe I wasn't the father. I wasn't sure but it got stuck in my head. The relationship circumstances and contraceptive circumstances could definitely make this a possibility. I thought about asking her straight out but resisted as she was heavily pregnant and either way this baby needed to be birthed. So I thought what is the difference in asking her now or after. I wanted to keep things hassle free.
A beautiful little boy was born. 3 months playing father past but I couldn't bond because of these doubts. I eventually convinced the mother to allow a paternity test. That was awful for both of us but I felt necessary. Cut to the results which say I am not a paternal match. The baby is not mine. I won't bore you with the emotions of that because it isn't really relevant.

The boy is now a toddler. I want to try and get refunded for the money I spent on all the baby/toddler gear. Is that ok to do? I'm think of giving her some stuff and strike it off as a christening gift or something. That leaves about a over a grand of stuff. Would it be ok to ask for monthly instalments? What is the best way to go about it?

God how awful for you.

Personally I'd write the money off but I suppose you have nothing to lose by asking her to pay you back. Are you still on speaking terms?

We are in touch not regularly. Knowing her as I do, I don't think she told me I was the father as a lie. I think it was a genuine mistake or more out of hope.
So we are pretty civil under the circumstances

The best way to go about it is forget about it.

Put it down to experience.

You may well have been one of several guys she contacted.

I wouldn't dream of asking for the money back. You bought everything and more knowing full well there was a chance you weren't the father. Good on you for stepping up to the plate when most would have bolted, but it was a choice you made.

What is her situation now? Does she work? New relationship? How would you asking for over a grand back affect her and the child?

Chances are she would tell you to piss off, so unless you still have receipts or other proof of purchase and are prepared to take it to a small claims court (meaning you want and need it back that much) then I'd just write off the money.

I did buy it but I couldn't really not buy it. When I bought it was on face value. Plus the roomers weren't about at that stage. There was no way of testing paternity during the pregnancy and I couldn't allow the baby to not have what it needed all that time whilst I process a paternity test.
I suppose it seemed like I was defrauded. I'm not including all the other costs and time I put in to it and the cost of counselling to help me through it.
Maybe I should write it off

Learn from it. Move on. Lucky escape?

You did the decent thing at the time and unless you really need the money or got into debt buying those things I'd write it off.
The decent thing for the mum to do would be to pay you back but she should know this already.

" Knowing her as I do, I don't think she told me I was the father as a lie. I think it was a genuine mistake or more out of hope."

You say this then say you seem like you were 'defrauded'. Which is it?

In this situation, as the mum, I'd offer to pay you back. But I'm assuming she hasn't made such an offer, so I think you have to write it off and move on.

If you have debts as a result of these purchases, then I think it would be ok to ask her to pay these off in some way.

If no debts, walk away. Chalk it up to experience. And thank your lucky stars that you found out the truth fairly swiftly.

Gin - I mean more situationally or genetically defrauded. I lost a child, losing the money was a biproduct of that.

King1982 - I feel for you. You sound like an absolutely great guy who has been through a hell of a lot.

I am going to ask you a question, but before I do, I want to say that I am (sadly) not a parent, so it is probably a very ignorant point to make. Please forgive me. My question is this: you don't believe this woman deliberately defrauded you, you think she was in earnest when she said that this was your baby. You agreed with her that the relationship wouldn't be exclusive, so there is no question of cheating. But by the sounds of things you loved being a Dad. Is there any chance you could continue to be an adoptive father to this child? Or do relationship circumstances not permit that? Or do you not want it?

I realise this would be an unconventional setup, but I have friends who have gone down this route and they are very happy. However, it obviously depends on the individual circumstances.