Will counselling work or has it gone too far

[Winniethewylde]

Ok, so we've been together 10 years, married 7 and have 2 dcs (5 and 2)

I think our marriage is dead, I've been unhappy for ages, so miserable, am a SAHM and he lives for his job and is constantly taking a back seat to all family stuff. We haven't had sex since our youngest was CONCEIVED! I feel totally neglected and taken for granted and I think I've had enough. He wants to 'try harder', is there a point?? I feel like my life is slipping through my fingers and I hate it. I feel so alone and basically trapped in this situation.

If you are both willing to try counselling, why not? It may help to mend your marriage. If you decide it is truly over, it could help with an amicable separation.

Thank you, I guess so. I feel so disillusioned with the whole thing I'm the one who feels like I can't be bothered. I am so full of resentment towards him.

Has he said before that he "will try harder", if so this attempt of his may be yet another by him to delay the inevitable end of your marriage. You likely did not believe him then and you seem like you certainly do not believe him now.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

Yours does read like a miserable marriage to a workaholic and your children are learning from the two of you about relationships as well. You do not want them to see that this is their "norm" for a marriage or relationship.

Counselling solely for your own self may be helpful and I would also seek legal advice asap to establish your legal position going forward. Knowledge after all is power.

Has he gone into detail about what trying 'harder' looks like to him?

Yes he has said that, lots of times but apparently this time he means it! I'm not saying I'm blameless in this but I feel like I've given up so would maybe be going through the motions of counselling and not really believing it will work. He thinks I'm giving up too easily.

I'm so worried about the effects on the children, particularly the eldest who is very sensitive. I certainly don't want them growing up thinking this is normal.

counselling isnt a magic fix... but it can really help you as an individual to see things for what they are and come up w it h a plan. whether its together or apart. counselling/therapy jointly can be a nightmare it depends where you both coming from.

Making more effort Gin I think.

Is Relate the best one? I had counselling years ago for an eating disorder but nothing like this.

I felt the same as you about 18 months ago. Thought it was the end of the road. I felt like we were two people living in the same house. I had become a 'mum' and nothing else. I felt totally unloved. Told my husband I wanted to break up and expected him to say 'me too'. He begged me to go for counselling and I thought 'what's the point? I'm done', but I did go and we are still together and our marriage and partnership is stronger than it ever was. My husbands job was a major factor in our problems, but we only realised this through the counselling and when I stopped going after a couple of sessions, he carried on going. But it definitely opened up a dialogue for us (without wanting to sound all American) and it was good for us. It was a horrible time, but it was so worth it. Of course, it's not going to be for everyone, but I just wanted to tell you my experience. Good luck whatever you decide

He just clams up when trying to talk things through, I imagine it would be painfully horrific sitting with a stranger and trying to talk.

Oh my goodness molyholy that's so good to hear. I'm so pleased things working out for you. Did you feel like you didn't want them to work out though? I feel exactly like you did. Just a mum, irrelevant and ignored. I'm starting to hate him. I hate myself for feeling that way too.

At the time I was totally resigned to the fact that my marriage was over, to the point of working out practically how I would manage with money etc. After I dropped what my husband believed to be the 'bombshell', that I wanted out, I told my family we had split up. I just found myself thinking 'my god, there has got to be more to life than this. Is this my lot for the rest of my life'. To be honest, looking back, I think I was suffering with depression. It was like I had no feelings whatsoever. Anyway, I was more shocked that my husband was surprised. I must say, if it wasn't for him fighting for our marriage, we might not even be together now. It is a very strange feeling looking back to that time because I don't even feel like it was us when I think of us and how we are now. We both actually think it may have been the best thing that happened to us. We have been together 13 years, married nearly 8 and have 1 dd aged 6. We, or at least I had felt this way for a few years before it reached a head like this. Mild acceptance of the situation, grew over time to utter resentment until we got to the point you are at now, so I can really sympathise with your situation x

Thank you molyholy your situation is uncannily like our situation. I have told DH how unhappy I am, have mentioned the word 'separation' but he seems to think it isn't all that bad, that I'm being a bit dramatic and our family should be more important than just throwing it all away. He doesn't seem to recognise my feelings at all. He said the other day that other people have it worse than us and they are still together. To be honest I think he wants the family package but not the work that entails. You said your husband fought for your marriage...that would be my dh's worst nightmare. He wants to carry on but only if I do, if I don't I think he'll throw the towel in.