Need some advice re assertiveness

[Livingtothefull]

I have a problem re assertiveness…I have a history of low self confidence, have improved in recent years, but I feel I just lack the skills for certain situations such as one that happened the other day at work:

I have an advisory/consultancy role which means I work with quite senior people & support them in resolving issues. There is one person who is very assertive and articulate, v sure of himself & historically I have found such people hard to handle…although I get on with him OK at a personal level. He has a close family member in the same field as me and says he has learned a lot from them…the upshot is that he frequently seems to tell me how to do my job, and can be quite argumentative (borderline rude) if he disagrees with the advice given.

Anyway he came up to the office the other day v angry and upset with a member of his team who had made a major error. He wanted this situation/person dealt with, I suggested course of action X and he said 'OK but I know that I am fully justified in doing Y (much more draconian - and risky - course of action). I want Y to happen and I want the help of your department in ensuring this does happen' and proceeded to tell me my job, what I should be doing etc.

This was all said at the top of his voice, in an open office with no regard for who could overhear. Some of what he said was quite confidential and not appropriate. People were staring and I felt so embarrassed and I'm afraid my mind went blank & I couldn't think clearly.

I didn't know what to do or say for the best. If I had confronted him head on about what he was saying, I know from experience that he would have escalated & the conversation could have got even more heated, I might have ended up saying something I shouldn't. I couldn't walk away because I was at my desk.

I really didn't know to say to him…. just stared blankly as my mind went blank. I eventually said that he should talk to his team member later (when he was calmer) to try to get to the bottom of the situation and then take from there.

Has anyone got prior experience with this kind of scenario & how to deal with it? A couple of people said to me afterwards that his behaviour was out of order….I feel that I should have been on top of this situation & been able to diffuse it but I don't know how.

If he was shouting then "You are shouting. Do not shout at me X" would be my first response, swiftly followed by "Thank you."

It's an old teaching trick but if you ask someone who is angry to do something and immediately follow it with "thank you" they are more likely to comply.

If he continued I would have said "This is really innapropriate X, we can discuss this when you are calmer, but not now."

If he escalated then you would be fully in your rights to walk out or ask him to leave.

He sounds like a bully who has cornered you. He is relying on your manners and politeness to get what he wants. Has anyone ever lodged a grievance against him?

I agree with above.

The other trick I've learned when in a difficult situation is just to say right I've heard what you've had to say I'm going to go away and think about.

Don't be bullied by any of them.

Thank you hamptoncourt and Dowser, that is great advice. I think I just need a strategy in dealing with this kind of scenario so that has really helped me in putting one together. It happened at the end of the day and I was wrong footed so want to be able to deal with it better the next time.

I did feel bullied and actually do want to address this with him and put a stop to his communicating with me like this.

I am not aware if anyone has lodged a grievance but this may happen sometime. Frankly if he talks to his team members the way he talks to us sometimes then God help them. I am also in a role where I have a duty of care to staff so yes I feel that I have been weak in dealing with this and want to change this round.

Maybe I can confront him about it (in private)? As I say I get on with him OK and actually don't dislike him. As he is so outspoken he can hardly complain if I am the same, if he kicks off to me I could tell him I am addressing the matter with him directly as an alternative to putting in a complaint so really I am doing him a favour.

I think you handled it ok to be honest. You were wrong footed but you did think clearly and you didn't fly off the handle - you put the situation on hold to give yourself thinking time and then you sought advice (in a non-traditional way, but mumsnet is a great place to get good advice!) and are now looking to learn from and handle the situation. All good things, so don't be hard on yourself.

It sounds like you need to "reset" this relationship back to a more professional level. At the moment he feels justified in acting like a toddler and you need to set clear boundaries, in a calm, non-confrontational way.

I'm not sure exactly what your role is but is there any scope for a meeting with someone who is his boss/line manager in order to talk things through to develop some sort of policy on how to deal with situations like this? If you have a set procedure then that is great back up because as soon as he comes storming in you can just say "X you know the procedure for this" then get him to follow that. It removes the personal element from things.

I would recommend having a situation where a staff member who wants to bring up an issue like this absolutely must email you first. That gives you time to think things through and prevents you from being blindsided. It also means that if someone storms in you can ask them to leave, email and come back. Emailing makes people watch their words and gives you a paper trail. It's win/win.

Overall it sounds like the tools aren't in place for you to do your job properly. Make it a priority to get that sorted.

Thanks very much for that callindana. Yes email is good because most people are (or should be) careful about what they actually put in writing and the act of writing encourages focus on the issues.

And yes I am trying to learn from this situation to do better next time. The worst thing though was that people were watching/listening & I feared that they might be judging the way I handled it. Maybe you are right & I didn't handle it as badly as I feared; it is hard though when somebody is demanding an instant response from me & is not prepared to give me the time to consider, as in: 'I need to know RIGHT NOW what you propose that we should do about this! No, tomorrow/half an hour is too late for xyz reasons!'.

When I get seriously stressed I find it hard to think clearly; all the more reason to have a very clear strategy for handling such a scenario in the future so at least I 'know what I am about'.

I don't want to complain about the person and get them into trouble - I actually have quite a lot of sympathy/respect for him - but want to be very clear about how I want to be communicated with & what is appropriate. Do you think this would be better done through his supervisor/manager or should I address it with him direct?

I am so used to handling things in a different way - putting my own feelings to one side and trying to look dispassionately at the issues at stake. I am not saying this is a better or a worse way just that it is different. And I know that to people like this individual who don't do this, it can come across as if I don't care (even when I do, really), which can enrage them more and then things can really deteriorate.

Let's be clear - he was entirely in the wrong. Storming around shouting at people is absolutely not the right thing to do in a professional situation and at the very least he owes you an apology for that.
But if you want to let that go then I'd suggest working on the policy side of things - get it down in writing how you intend to deal with situations like this and send it to everyone, not just him.

Thanks cailindana, I get that he was the one in the wrong. He did come across as aggressive - not directed towards me as such but still expecting me to drop whatever he was doing and respond to his concerns immediately.

At the moment I find it really hard to think clearly & respond appropriately when put under pressure like this. It is as though I get 'lost' - I want to be able to assert myself & impact on these situations positively.

I just need to learn how to handle myself and the advice from you & other posters have given me plenty of food for thought how I could approach this. As his behaviour was inappropriate it needs to be addressed with him, I am not sure whether this is best done by me or through his line manager.

In your OP, you said he was assertive but in the example you gave, he was not assertive, he was being aggressive. One of the first things they teach you in assertiveness training is the difference between the two. It is important because with an assertive person you can have a sensible and productive conversation but an aggresive person needs to stop being aggressive before you can proceed.

Sorry, should have added, it's up to you whether you want to calm the aggressive person down first or whether you simply tell them that their behaviour is not acceptable and that you will discuss things with them only when they are calm and polite. You have a choice.