Splitting up with a child in the middle???

[stuntdouble100]

Hi,

I’m having a very difficult time at the moment and wanted to hear from anyone in a similar situation or someone that can offer advice/thoughts on it all.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years and have been close to splitting up for about a year now.
We argue all the time, mostly over stupid things. We don’t spend any time together apart from with our 9year old child.
I’ve been sleeping in his room for the last 3 years as he had issues with being on his own.
We haven’t been intimate or had sex for around 4 years now.
It’s all got very out of hand and we seem to be just going through the motions.
I moved out for a week last year and after that we had a big chat and said things would be different. Nothing has changed….

My partner has been home for years with M.E so that’s one reason that things haven’t been easy between us but I still think we are going nowhere.

I suppose I’m asking if it’s worth staying together for our child’s sake or should we go our separate ways?

It seems such a massive step to split and can’t imagine what it would, be like not living as a family. In some ways though I think it might improve my relationship with my son.

I just don’t know if I we deserve more in life or does the child always come first no matter what???

Rant over….

Having two houses and happier parents is a squillion times better for your ds than one home where his parents 'argue all the time' and are miserable.

Are you sure your ds' insecurity is not linked in any way to the atmosphere at home?

I made that leap. My kids are adjusting well almost 2 years on. They get a much better deal from me as a parent now that I've escaped the oppression of a miserable angry man.

Everyone's situation is different, but staying 'for the kids' is a terrible burden for your child and usually the wrong decision.

It seems such a massive step to split and can’t imagine what it would, be like not living as a family.

But you're not living as a family now, are you? You're just like housemates (who don't even really like each other) who share childcare duties.

It sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time, and these are just the death throes. I'm sorry.

Arguing all the time with a 9 year old in the middle, it's just not fair OP, time to call it a day, do it for your son's sake, it can't be much fun being in the middle of you two.

You're right handywoman, two happy households would be better. I've fooled myself into thinking things are not that bad. It's the small moments when things are good between us al that throw me off track. I suddenly think that these moments would never happen again. It's good to hear a positive story of a split being beneficial for you and the kids.

Side note: Do I need to tag people for them to see my reply???

Pocketsaviour, I guess it has been the 3 of us for so long that I can't imagine anything different, let alone better. I'm so bad at accepting change as well.
One of the problems is that we don't hate each other enough for things to get heated and we split, if that makes sense. We can 'put up' with each other quite well.

Jan45, I feel guilty all the time for the arguing/bickering we do in front of him. I don't even notice it had the time , until it's the next day. He seems like it doesn't phase him, but I'm sure it's taking effect somehow.

It seems such a massive step to split and start again. I am so worried by the 'what ifs' of new partners coming along, time away from my son, how the relationship will work, when will I see him etc etc. The list goes on....

I would much rather face the possibility of some changes in a practical sense than watch my 9 year old learn and listen to bickering, it's very destructive, he may look un-phased but believe me he will think it normal to resolve issues through conflict, do it for him, your relationship is dead, you are just scared of the unknown.

You are right, I just needed to hear it from someone impartial.
Problem is I feel guilty about splitting as she has M.E and may find it hard to cope. It feels like it's my problem. Also I suffer from depression/anxiety and can be difficult to live with at times. Maybe a lot of it is my fault???

All that is a side issue, if you are arguing all the time the only way to stop that is to be apart I'm afraid.

If you want to do anything for your child's sake, make it that you speak to each other kindly and resolve differences civilly. If you can't do that all living under the same roof, then separate and see if that helps.

It is horrible being the child of warring parents - very distressing and unsettling - and that applies whether the parents are together or apart,

I hear what you're saying Jan45, just easier said than done at this stage. I know it has to happen though...

I can see we need to change our ways around my son. I was so stuck in the middle of it all before that I couldn't see how bad it had got.