The end of everything

[lillybee1]

Partner and I have separated. We have a baby and I have written on a couple of other posts. He moved out months ago and now he is moving into his new house. He wants to come tomorrow and take the rest of his stuff and divide other belongings. I feel like i'm in shock. We were arguing for a long time and he decided to move out 'for a few days' and now it's all over. Completely over. Maybe I am naive or stupid but I just can't get over the fact that it's finished. The thing is in the past we had a loving relationship, even up until he moved out we were still having some good times despite the arguing. I thought he just needed some space and would come back but then he found his own place and now I am suddenly a single mum. I hate him. I hate him for doing this to our family. I hate him for putting me through this. I hate him for leaving me with the baby the majority of the time. I hate him for not even trying to make things work. Just feeling utterly hopeless right now....

Sorry you're so upset. It is horrible when something comes to an end, especially when you still had high hopes for a reconciliation. It is normal to hate the other person and it's also normal to feel disorientated and shocked. It's a mourning process and that's always unpleasant, however many arguments there were.

I'd suggest that you don't spend more time in his company than is strictly necessary because it'll be even more upsetting and feel like you're being rejected over again. If you're thrown together dividing up property, maybe take a friend along for moral support.

It's not hopeless. You have your life and your baby and those are two very important things to hold onto. Do you have friends or family who can support you? Someone to sit with you and make sure you eat properly and get some sleep? Does anyone else know what's happening?

Thanks CogitoErgoSometimes

It's difficult to not spend time with him as he is around 2-3 times in week to help with baby. I don't want to see him though. I feel like I can't stand him right now. I just can't believe he has just given up though. It's finished and that's it as far as he is concerned. I can't believe how self-centred he has been in all of this. Doesn't he for one minute think of the future of his child? I am so bitter right now I suppose, just don't understand how people suddenly give up and how he's just left me to deal with everything.

I don't have any family or close friends near me. I did speak to a friend earlier and that helped. I'm just so miserable and I feel so sorry for our baby's future as well as myself

It is an upsetting time when you're dividing things up, I remember it. Before he comes go through every room and list everything. What is yours, what is his, what is joint, what you'd like to keep that is joint (I paid half the value to him for what I wanted to keep). Then of you can, treat yourself to a few small bits and bobs to fill gaps - a new duvet cover and lamp to make the bedroom feel new and less as it was.

It will feel a little easier when the dividing up is done. If he will have his own place let him take the baby for a few hours rather than having to spend time with him. Give yourself more space and help yourself get back on your feet. Chin up, have a good cry and try to close that door. It may take time but you will come through this.

You poor thing. You must feel so abandoned. Are you on mat leave? Could you go and stay with family or a friend for a few days? Take it day by day. You are in shock. Are you able to get out of the house? Is there anyone locally in RL who you can meet up with?

I think the dividing of the stuff was a real low point so you need to take it step by step and be kind to yourself. When I split from my ex (baby was 8 months) I cried all the time, then I just cried in the evenings, then one day I realised I'd not cried all day the dividing of the stuff was a crying all weekend situation. It is now a couple of months on and I've taken my 3 kids to Tenerife on holiday and am not crying at all. I thought I'd struggle seeing all the happy couples but I just think maybe in the future I'll meet someone suited to me and be like that. Baby steps and you'll feel better soon, you are in the eye of the storm.

Agree with honey about listing stuff. My ex stripped house taking every last lampshade, curtain and even the whirly I wanted (and he would never use) and it made me so angry. It was maybe good though as it made me see what a horrible person he was.

Could contact take place elsewhere? I don't think him spending any time in your home is a good idea any more.

The dividing stuff is rubbish. Could you have a friend there to offer some support to you.

I could have written your posts. Mine did the same re: leaving me and our newborn, he came back, but he was just coming and going for 4 years, while my focus was our famiky. Stay strong hon x

This happened to me on 3rd January. Found out later that day he was having an affair with my child's gymnastics teacher.

It is devastating. I have never felt agony like. We have 3 kids and he gave up on us. We were having lovely, passionate times right up until the separation. We had a fabulous Christmas (if you forget that he was fucking someone else) so the fact that he gave up on us is horrific. He is not even with her now, just 'fancies time on my own'.

Thank you for the replies. I just don't understand how men (because mostly it is the men) can just walk out on a family. I feel so sorry for our baby - feel so guilty. Been thinking on all the things baby will miss out on - family days out, family holiday, coming into mummy and daddy's bed in the morning, having dinner with the three of us. I saw a little girl at play group drawing a photo of her mummy and daddy - typical scene from childhood and nearly burst into tears. My child will never have that. I just don't understand how ex can just leave, all done - not even thinking about future or upbringing of his child. If we didn't have a baby I wouldn't feel this bad - I would move away, start afresh but I can't do that because we have a baby together and have to see him. Yet I can't stand him, my respect for him has become nil. Sorry just ranting now. I never thought I would be in this situation. I can't believe his behaviour, can't believe any of this really. And he tells me calmly via email what he wants to take to his new flat. I will go out when he comes.

I thought it would be better for baby (one year old) for him to come here so baby wouldn't have to be transferred to another place all the time but that means on those occasions we are either in the house together and its tense or I go out for the whole day - walking around aimlessly or sitting in a cafe. Is it better if he just takes baby to his new flat now? Or should I just continue to go out. Now baby has started saying 'daddy' a lot - I don't know if he notices or not. Just so sad.

I know other people go through this all the time. I just don't know where/how to start to even start to feel happier again and how to lessen this guilt/overwhelming feeling of loss/betrayal/anger.

I wouldn't let him in your home at all tbh. It is your sanctuary.

I dunno how they just walk out without a backward glance. Is alien to me. I never thought I would be in the situation either, but I am. My ex doesn't bother to see his children. His loss. And please don't feel guilty. It is not your fault.

Auburnsparkle how old are your children? Doesn't your ex want to see his children at all? So sad.

I just worry it will be confusing/damaging for baby to be taken to/fro between houses but maybe not?

Mine are teens so it is a bit different.

I dunno what the answer is for you tbh. I just think your own home is private and your sanctuary and him coming in and out all the time is not fair on you or your baby. It is a horrid situation isn't it.

I know you're upset but, by your own admission, the relationship was very poor with chronic arguments. That's no way to live. He may have left the family home but he doesn't appear to have walked out on the family if he's back on such a regular basis helping with the baby.

Sometimes things just don't work out and someone has to have the courage to call it a day. It's very distressing and disorientating but you have a baby together, you will always be parents, and you're moving into a new phase. You may find you eventually get on better as friends and co-parents than you ever did thrown together under the same roof. Your child may even benefit from living in two calm households with parents that are civil to each other than one acrimonious home with parents who haven't a kind word to say.

Yes I suppose so. He didn't walk out on his baby no, but he walked out on me - he gave up on me so this is the depressing part.