Don't know where to start.
I'm mid-30s and I have one sister, who's much older than me. She has two grown up children who are married and one just had their first child, my sister's first grandchild.
My sister lives about 150 miles from our parents. I live 30 miles from them, having moved a couple of years ago after previously living a similar distance from them to my sister and much closer to her.
We didn't grow up together as she married young and moved away, so we don't have a typical sibling relationship. But I am constantly disappointed by her and her family, in terms of the level of contact we have with them, both electronic and physical, and the interest (or lack of) that they show towards us.
She is very wrapped up in her church. For most of the time she's been married, her husband has been a church vicar, and she has had all the commitments that go with that (hosting, catering, running toddler groups and school holiday kids clubs etc), while also working part-time once her kids were in school. She, her husband, her kids, their spouses and my parents all share a strong (evangelical) Christian faith. (I'm much less ardent, and am still deciding my views and faith, having been brought up in the faith they all share.) My sister is a teaching assistant. Her husband left his role as a vicar a few years ago and now works full-time as a school chaplain. I hoped, as did my parents, that they would be able to visit more often as a result, but they’ve got involved to a similar level at their new church. BIL spends almost all his spare time leading extra-curricular activities, doing lay preaching at the new church they attend and running youth groups, including weekends away. (My sister seems to have similar, weekend, church obligations, but it's never clear whether these are in her own right or as his wife?) The ongoing church commitments mean they're never able to visit us at weekends, or if they do, it's a flying visit, literally 1 night and less than 24 hours, into which they try to cram seeing both my parents, my BIL's parents, me and my family, an aunt, and a visit to their favourite retail park for them both and the gym for BIL. So, not exactly quality time, even if quantity is short, and they definitely have no time to help out in any way my elderly parents. And, of course, the only holiday they get is school holidays. Again, these get taken up with all manner of other things and they basically never have time to visit for more than 1 night in half term, the usual 24 hour visit, and maybe my sister will visit for 2 nights in the 6 weeks summer holiday, but only when my BIL’s away with a youth trip. They only ever arrange visits at the very last minute too. As for us visiting them, apart from them hosting a few Christmasses in recent years, we don’t really visit. They never seem to be available. My parents are currently unable to travel to them, as they used to, and that’s unlikely to change much as they get older.
My parents are elderly, my mum has long-term, progressive conditions which cause periods of serious ill health. My dad is her main carer but is himself struggling with arthritis. My parents feel that my sister couldn’t care less about their health situation. She does call to ask after my mum but seems not to appreciate the seriousness of her condition. She has turned down the opportunity to speak by phone to my mum’s consultant to understand better the condition and prognosis. As I live closer I’m going to see the consultant myself sometime over the next few weeks as I think it’ll help me stop worrying a bit and to know more what to expect and how I can best help.
I feel that my sister and my BIL and their kids do all kinds of do-gooding for their church flock and others they see as being in need, and admirable as that is, it would be nice if they gave a fraction of that time and concern to their own family.
My niece and nephew seem to follow the same mould. They’ve not even sent, whether by mobile message, or post, a photo of my parent’s new great grandson to them. He was born 3 weeks ago. They’re all over Instagram though. I’m not on Instagram but discovered that’s what my nieces use and that’s why they never seem to post much on Facebook. I know they’re Facetimed with relatives on the other side of the family too. I sent a gift to the baby before it was born, it wasn’t cheap and was really lovely. I’ve had texts since from them, when I asked for some more photos, but they’ve not even mentioned it…? When I do see them, they seem to be always on their phones, texting and on social media, yet they never comment or like anything I put on Facebook, even about my son, and their reply-rate to text messages is about 20%. Emails the same, and replies are very basic, even if I send a chatty, longer message initially. If I call my sister and she's not available, she doesn't call back, even if I leave a voicemail.
My niece and nephew also really upset me recently. I miscarried and confided in my sister as she’d experienced the same in the past, and she asked if you could make them both aware of what had happened. I said yes, thinking it would be good for them to be aware so they could act thoughtfully. I thought they might ask how I was, or send a card or even text. But I got nothing from either of them. My sister definitely told them, yet their response was to do nothing which really hurts. I won’t share things in future.
My sister shows little interest in my son, her only nephew. She’s not ever offered to come to visit for a few days and maybe to babysit an evening while here for me and DH to have a night out. My parents are unable to and my ILs live hours away , though visit way more than my sister does. We have no other family locally. She’ll no doubt be very involved with her grandchild though.
I keep wanting to ‘have it out’ with my sister (and nieces) but they’re prone to huffing and I don’t want to cause a big family row and cause my parents stress which will just make them more unwell. But I can’t help fast-forwarding to when my parents pass away (so morbid!) as I know I will be unable to keep quiet at that point if the situation hasn’t improved by then, though it’s unlikely to have done so. It hurts that their so uninterested and that we don’t have a proper relationship. I’ve no idea what to do about it, beyond causing a big bust up. And I've no idea WHY things are they way they are.